Dear Uncle Ezra - Questions for Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Dear Uncle Ezra:

I've always had problems with attention.  Oh, I've tried some techniques with studying such as taking frequent breaks, but I never seem to get enough (or sometimes anything) done before the break comes. Sometimes I start reading and within about 3 minutes I just tune out and start drifting without realizing it. Other times I try very hard to concentrate but it is so hard that I allow myself to drift, procrastinating in front of the book. As the day progresses, my mind becomes cluttered and it literally feels like my consciousness is wrapped in some kind of gauze.

I had problems like this in high school too - I used to sit around and listerally wonder about what it was that was eating at my brain.  I can't focus well on anything unless it is very interesting, and that's partly why I've changed my major from bio to psychology during junior year (I'm a senior now). I know I also had all this when I was very young.  I've always had a tendency to daydream and thereby tune out the external world to a great degree.  You can say that I daydream by default, and sometimes I have a difficulty snapping out. Even when I was in kindergarten, I had a much worse time predicting routine and understanding directions than other kids, because I was so lost in my world and could not concentrate on what happened around me.

I've also always had very bad difficulties with coordination, and have a very poor sense of direction  -I will get lost over and over on the same floor in the same building.  I can't drive a car, no matter how many times I do it I just don't get the feel for what to do when, I can't remember everything and pay attention and all. I've been described as a bad listener by relatives, I sometimes think I'm listening but I'm only barely registering what's being said, like I can't turn off what I'm thinking.  I tune in and out of conversations, especially in larger groups, and often find that I've missed stuff. I always seem to misread directions.

On top of it I seem to have a serious problem with practical intelligence stuff, like my mind just won't connect the dots from A to B and realize obvious solutions when performing simple tasks. I've never told anybody this before because I didn't think they'd believe me, and I was afraid of just another lecture on better study skills and paying attention through self-will. I've tried that, and I have grown tired of fighting something I don't understand, that I feel all alone with. I've tried to ignore it, but it's no longer possible.

I don't know what I have, if it's neurological or psychological or just plain stupid. Honestly, my symptoms don't seem severe enough for ADD, though I did take this Jasper/Goldberg test and scored 80, where 70 is supposed to be high risk of ADD. I don't think this is reliable because I don't seem to have the impulsivity part of ADD (though I do have an awfully short fuse and will make little decisions on impulse sometimes, it's really more a matter of constant indecision rahter than making thoughtless decisions).  Is it possible to not have ADD but still be on the continuum, with similar neurological basis? Or is it basically, you have ADD or you don't? Or am I just a fantasy-prone personality with some basic deficiency in practical intelligence? The latter doesn't help me, because it doesn't explain how to deal with the problem. I so wish I had a real explanation.

Sorry I'm rambling, but this is the first time I've ever told anybody. What should I do? Should I go get diagnosed for ADD, and where do I go?

                                              Senseless and Out of Options

Dear Looking for further Options,

Congratulations! You must have significant strengths and skills to have made it to your senior year despite these difficulties. You have a lot going for you! I would also interpret your asking for help as a sign of your strength and courage to address these issues. I would agree with your test score, that these are significant obstacles for you to manage on your own.  If you get further help with them now, you will enter the work world in a much stronger position to make the best of future situations.

The Jasper-Goldberg test is only a screening to lead you to the next step (the test is at http://www.pcnet.com/%7Edodge/ADD/jasper.html). You now need a neurological evaluation including a referral for psycho-educational testing for the presence of ADHD/ADD.  This will help you get a better handle on the scope and complexity of your problem. "Diagnosis" is based on observations, experiences, and a determination of the amount and degree and severity of traits. Contact Matt Tominey, Director of the Office of Student Disability Services (4-4545) on campus.  He can help you formulate a plan of attack.

ADHD/ADD is defined as a neurobiological difference characterized by selective attention, distractibility, impulsivity and hyperactivity. ADHD/ADD characteristics often arise in early childhood, with behaviors that are chronic.  It is estimated that ADHD/ADD affects up to 5% of the US population, with a strong genetic component showing up in the fact that 25% of first-degree relatives have been found to have similar traits, as have 85% of identical twins.  Because we as humans are so complex, ADD will look differently in each person.  You may or may not have impulsivity.  You may be able to hyperfocus at appropriate times in order to do extraordinary work and "save" yourself from a poor grade from those tasks which you did not complete. Your distractibility may have led you to creative projects and solutions.  Getting bored with one thing may help you to gather large amounts of material and explore widely when you are working on a topic.

William Sears and Lynda Thompson wrote "The A.D.D. Book" for parents of children with the problem, but you may find it a good place to start identifying your early experiences.  The authors of the book are very concerned about easy solutions in drugs, and report on excellent results from biofeedback.  This treatment essentially trains the brain to focus and attend more efficiently, perhaps by building neural pathways. The authors begin by asserting that "the creativity, energy, spontaneity, and ability to focus intensely, which characterize ADD, are qualities that often improve the world for all of us." The ADD "Hall of Fame" includes Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison and Mozart.

I hope that you will get further help and find the way to use your different abilities to your best advantage!

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,

I am a little confused. No, very confused. Apparently my mom has ovarian cancer, but she won't have to worry about it until her 80s. She's in her 40s now. Could it be that she does not have the cancer, but is predisposed to it. She had breast cancer in her 30s. Please tell me what this all means if you can and whether I should shake her and make her live in the hospital to deal with this. I don't want to be deprived of my mother so early. Any suggestions for resources for preventing cancer especially in women, i.e. breast and ovarian?

Confused and Crying

Dear Confused,

I asked Carol M. Devine, Ph.D., R.D., Associate Professor in the Division of Nutritional Sciences and Education Leader for the Program on Breast Cancer and Environmental Risk Factors.  She affirms that "You are right to be concerned.  I cannot tell for sure, but from what you have written, it sounds as though your mom might be one of those people who could have a genetic risk for breast and ovarian cancer.  There are two genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2, that are linked to breast and ovarian cancers that can show up early in life.  If your mom does have one of those genes, there are prophylactic treatments to reduce her chances of getting breast cancer again or of getting ovarian cancer.  If she has not already done so, your mom should talk to her oncologist (a cancer specialist) and also to a genetic counselor to find out what treatments are available to her.  To learn a lot more about these cancers, visit the National Cancer Institute's web site at http://www.cancer.gov and click on Cancer Information and then Cancer Genetics, or choose Breast or Ovarian Cancer.  There is a lot of helpful information there.

"In addition to your concern for your mom, you can also take steps to find out more about your own health. These kinds of cancers travel in families.  Both males and females can inherit these genes. Knowing about possible risk now can help you find out what kinds of treatments are available to you to reduce your own risk.

"Finally, both you and your mom might benefit from participating in a cancer support group in your community (for your mom) or a group for the children of cancer survivors (for you).  Many people who are cancer survivors find that they get a lot of benefit from talking with other people who have also had cancer.  You can find these types of groups in your community through your local hospital or your mom's doctor.  At http://www.cancer.gov you can also find information about national cancer support organizations that have local groups. Your mom is lucky to have you watching out for her!"

I would also encourage you to pay attention to your feelings of anticipatory loss, and make the best of every day you have with your mom.  Share your life with her in letters, phone calls or pictures. Plan a meal out, an outing or a trip together, perhaps with your or her friends or other family members. What about a Broadway musical, the Philadelphia or Boston Flower Show in the Spring, an Alaskan cruise, or an Omega weekend workshop?  You'll be glad you did it when you all could enjoy it.  It's also fun to record family history and gather facts for genealogical research for generations to come to be able to enjoy your mother.  Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book is a good resource, perhaps even a gift for your mom. I would add that your mom is fortunate to have your love and concern!

Uncle Ezra

Dear Medium:
Regarding 19 March 2002 question 1, please let "every male" know that the words "He must have spent $500 on her...," may be interpreted as meaning a number of things. Words, in their perfection, are polyvocal, language polysemic. Thus, we must be careful to acknowledge that what is writen or said is not (and can never be) what is read or heard. Again, you have offered outstanding advice but omitted a lesson from which "every male" may benefit.

"He must have spent $500 on her," can mean that HE spent $500 buying HER. If I buy a dress, and I tell my friend, "I must have spent $250 on it," then the sentence structure is the same as "He must have spent $500 on her." So, the point remains, "every male"'s expression denotes that the "date" has spent the money on the "her" rather than on "dinner at a black-tie restaurant and a broadway show afterwards." It is not difficult to see how "every male"'s expression leads to the conflation of "her" with "dinner...and a broadway show...."

Here's my dating advice in the form of an illustration: Y asks X for a date. X accepts Y's invitation [for A DATE, neither a lifetime COMMITMENT nor even the possibility of a COMMUNICATION (e.g. a phonecall) after the date is finished. A DATE, ONE date, that is it.] A date is a promise, a promise to appear. It is not a promise to BE(come) anything....

The questions dating poses are not usually in the form of: "Your money OR your life!" Dating is not like mugging. One who asks for a date is not DEMANDing, "Your money OR your (love)life!" And if that is not the question, then the answers must be different, too.

One last word about the assumptions of we "other" posters: "every male"'s gender need not be known, for "every male" to assume a male position in schemas of sexual desire and subjectivity. He could be "he" and she could also be a "he" too ... but could "he" be a BITCH? If yes, then when? and how? by being de-masculinized (and is this the same as being feminized)?

regards,

"ANYONE"

Dear ANYONE,

Thank you for sharing your understanding. Precisely because words are polysemic, having many meanings, communication and dialog are essential. The more we understand about how others interpret the same word or sentence, the more careful we can be in expressing ourselves. Case in point: how many interpretations are there of the B--- word? Words like this become transformed from their dictionary definitions through culture. And one could discuss at length how the meaning of masculinization and feminization have changed with the times, and with individuals' developing perspectives on gender roles!

"I don't think now the way I did in the past, so I cannot expect others to think the way I do now." --Anonymous quote

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,

Can we check application status on-line?

When will applicants be notified of admission decisions?

Unsigned

Dear Uncle Ezra,

I applied for admissions to undergraduate studies at Cornell. I would like to know if receiving a Cornell Day invitation although i didn't recieve a acception and rejection letter from the college, meant that i am accepted to the college, seen that Cornell Days are only for people who are admitted. I will also like to know if I didn't recieve a package saying that i am invited to Cornell Days does that mean that i am not accepted to the school

Unsigned

Dear Uncle Ezra,

I have a question for you. I'm a junior and am planning on going to grad school to get a Phd in a field like operations research. This summer I expect to earn about $15,000. Right now I'm on a substantial scholarship from Cornell and another source. What I'd like to know is whether my large earnings this summer will affect my chances of getting a good scholarship in grad school. Does grad school financial aid work like undergrad? I know you can't answer this question in all generality. Please let me know if high earnings during the summer adversely affect grad school financial aid.

Thanks a lot!

Unsigned

Dear Junior,

At Cornell, graduate aid for a Ph.D. program is typically merit based rather than need based; in most cases summer earnings will have no impact on the financial aid offered. For example, the majority of Ph.D. students at Cornell receive financial aid in the form of either fellowships (like a scholarship) or assistantships. These are typically merit-based awards. However, some federal fellowships have a need-based component. At Cornell, assistantships and fellowships typically carry tuition, student health insurance (SHIP), and a living stipend of at least $13,500 for nine months. In addition to merit based aid, graduate students may also apply for federal and private loans, which are need-based.

Uncle Ezra

Dear UE,

As a parent of a past student, I've enjoyed your column for many years and have often thought about writing you.  You deal with such a wide variety of issues, even "off the wall" questions that you are always entertaining.  Anyway, I have a couple questions for you; one sort of goofy the other serious.

Here goes.  Suppose for the past three hundred years there had been no wars, famines, epidemics,  natural disasters or anything other than natural causes to account for death.  What would be the estimated population of Earth?

On a more serious note, my daughter attends another large university. She got caught drinking in the dorm and had to go to judicial affairs. She's generally pretty open and honest about things and told me all about it.  She readily admitted her guilt and was assigned 40 hours of community service.  Her party mates were assigned 80 hours because they claimed the RA had no right to enter the room and therefore the "evidence" against them should be thrown out.  The fact that the door was open and the RA could see them was immaterial, so they argued!

Anyway, kids will be kids, of course, but I certainly hope my daughter has learned something from this and I applaud the RA for taking action. I have no problem with her being held accountable.  On the other hand, It seems this might be  a convenient source of free labor for the university and I wonder if there isn't some exploitation going on here. What do you think, Unc?  Is my paranoia justified here?

Thanks for your help!!

                                                               Curious Dad

Dear Curious Dad,

I'm still tallying your population question, but meanwhile, I'll respond to the more straightforward one. The Cornell Campus Code of Conduct limits to 15 hours the amount of community service a person could do for a simple underage possession of alcohol offense. ( See p. 19 of the Policy Notebook.) And, for years the office practice of the JA's office has been to send students to an educational meeting, not performing community work (we now have some suspended hours, but that is not what is described here).  So, maybe there was more to this offense than what you were told -- either exaggeration in the sanction or minimization of the offense.

To answer the broader question about "free labor" and possible exploitation:  In short, no, this educational sanction is not being used as a way to get free labor for the university.  When a student is referred to the JA, s/he is often given the opportunity to resolve the matter without going to a hearing.  This happens if s/he admits to the violation and agrees to the proposed educational sanction. Educational sanctions include restitution and apologies, part of new efforts to bring victims and perpetrators together and help people become more aware of the impact or their behaviors on others. S/he always has the right to request a hearing.

If community work is part of the educational sanction (it is a common sanction), it may be performed at any non-profit agency.  This includes Cornell, but also includes agencies throughout Ithaca or in the students' home towns.  Sometimes students prefer to complete the work on campus, and will work for the Plantations, grounds crews, or the residence halls, but it is up to them to decide.

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,

I'm very interested in the architectural history of my good old Alma Mater. I am aware of Morris Bishop's book "The History of Cornell," but I was wondering if there is perhaps an illustrated book or a collection of maps or something showing the evolution of Cornell in terms of land and buildings.

-- Curious Nephew

Dear Curious Nephew ,

There are several resources for exploring the architectural history and building at Cornell. Kermit C. Parsons has written several books dealing with this subject including "The Cornell campus: a history of its planning and development" and "An annotated bibliography on university and medical center planning and development," which can both be found in the Cornell libraries. You may also wish to make an appointment with the reference librarians in Olin and Kroch libraries (or email them at okuref@cornell.edu) to get some hints in researching your interests. There are a host of different sources in the Maps Collection and the University Archives that would provide you with all sorts of details about specific buildings and campus development in general. When you linger around a library its amazing what you will find!

Uncle Ezra

Hi Uncle Ezra,

I'm a Cornell grad. I graduated in May 2001. Right now, I'm back in my parents home. The room I live in is next to the bathroom and every morning at 4am I can hear my Dad taking a shower in the bathroom. It's very loud. Enough to wake me up. I can hear his feet rubbing against the shower floor and the water. Because of this, I have to wear earplugs every night. I plan on staying in my house for another year or so. Is it unhealthy to wear earplugs every night for one year? Am I prone to an ear infection? Is it bad to have earplugs in because they enlarge the ear canal? Are there any effects with your hearing? thanks

Unsigned

Dear Uncle Ezra,

ive quickly come to be friends (and now best/close friends) with sweet and wonder person. if there is ever a soulmate in this world, she is the one: we have grown very close the almost two years we've known each other and she means everything (and more to me). i wish the story ended here and everyone lived happily ever after - but it doesn't: she is married.

as a result, she is my platonic torture test. because we are close, she knows exactly how i feel. i tread lightly with great care not to disrupt the balance within everyone's life and furthermore, i treat her with great respect she deserves. yet there is that unbearable gnawing feeling of jealousy, of regret, of sorrow eating me alive from within. i feel so... hopeless.

deep down within me, i already know what the right thing to do is - i curse the social propriety that has been bred in me. please offer me some words of encouragement/advise that may perhaps help me get through this.

Unsigned

Dear Platonic,

Thankfully, our life stories continue as long as we do.  The "happily ever after" is a matter of opinion, and maybe also perspective.  But back to your dilemma.  It is indeed a test when we feel strongly for someone but there is not the option of acting on those feelings. The consequences of failing that test can be great -- you need look no further than some of the great books of wisdom that give it a high priority rating for behavior control. It is not merely social propriety that is behind the rule.  Kingdoms and lives have been lost to such decisions.  If you do truly love this woman, you will not want to create harm in her life, so your choice is to move on and show her how really wonderful of a guy you are by respecting her life choices.  And if you are that wonderful guy, I'm sure you will find a very deserving partner on down the road.

You need to look at what is causing you to stay stuck in your jealousy, regret and sorrow.  Is there some reward you are getting from this position?  Perhaps just feeling your feelings so intensely is somehow reinforcing to you.  If you need to feel deeply, find other ways in which to meet your emotional needs.  If you can't do so professionally, by working with those in great need, say teaching in an inner city school or Peace Corps or medical work, try volunteer work which touches your searching heart.  Look for those who live in greater hopelessness than you and reach out to them.  Water must flow, and when you provide another channel for your passions, they will flow out and away from the dam that is causing you such pain.

You might also look at tendencies you may have to fixate on one person to the exclusion of considering other possibilities.  Have you noticed yourself doing this with other people, ideas, or objects? Or, if you are shy, it may be much easier to stay with the bird in the hand and not have to face your social anxieties getting to know others in the bush.  It  might help you to explore your own insecurities and self-esteem to determine whether you are looking to her to fill gaps in your own development.  What does she have that you want or need?  How else can you get it?  I encourage you to work with a counselor on these issues to help you take care of yourself, and to live a more fulfilling life.  Also, get your physical needs met so you are not looking to her to fill those.  Get plenty of exercise and try a massage or other physical contact that will unblock you. You may be surprised at how this situation looks from a different perspective later on.

Uncle Ezra