Dear Uncle Ezra - Questions for Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Hi Uncle Ezra -

I'm a veteran writer to your forum...I've got another problem with a "relationship"...Well, or regarding the lack of, again...

It seems that, for the third time in my life, I've gotten rejected by someone I've been really strongly attracted to (I've been rejected more times, but the other times, I've had less invested mentally). This time it is a former friend, well kind of. She was more than an acquaintance, but we were never best friends or anything. Anyway, I liked her on and off all the way through college, but pursued other women since she never seemed to reciprocate my feelings. Then, upon her senior year (It would've been mine, too, but I ended up taking that year off from school), I suddenly felt the need to say something since I wasn't sure we would have reason to talk to each other again after her graduation. Well, I did, and despite her denials, I got into a bad old habit of mine whereby I insisted that she was just being stubborn. Well, anyway, to make a long story short, she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

So, anyway, two years has passed now, and, while I was able to get on with my life in many ways, I still think about her from time to time. When I do, it's often sadness followed by anger. The thing is, I'm still mad at her because I feel like we could have had something and I feel that refused to see me for who I was. Two years ago she said that she didn't see me "that way," which immediately hit my sore spot of always having women see me as the "nice guy" who they could never date.

Anyway, she's been out of the country since graduation and I understand (through mutual friends) that she'll be coming back to the states this summer. (I've definitely thought about her more now that I know she's returning.) Anyway, I'm not so much interested in relationship advice as I am in your answering this question: Does it make sense to be mad at someone you're interested in who doesn't reciprocate your affections precisely because they don't reciprocate your affections? I don't normally feel this way when I get rejected, but since I knew this woman better than most of my past interests, there's a feeling of betrayal...a sense that, of all the people to reject me, this person should be the last to outright reject me. I mean, she didn't even say that she needed time to think about it. She just outright said no! Now, as time has passed, while I certainly admit that this time away has really allowed me to grow as an individual with my own dreams and ! interests, I still feel like she (and, by extension, I) has lost out on two years she could have spent learning from and sharing with me, even if it wouldn't have consisted of all that much communication, given the geographical distance between us.

Thanking you as always...

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad and Confused,

Congratulations on being a nice guy!  Much better than being rejected for being a jerk, don't you think?  It is true that many people in dating mode go for the big bang, and find it hard to feel attraction for niceness or gentleness or kindness.  Some of it is innate mating behavior. Some of it is our cultural training to pay attention to the louder, brighter, faster whatever AS IF it were better.  Some people innately like hot and heavy, others prefer slow and steady.  Your task is to find some who prefers the latter.

Does it make sense ...? you ask.  Feeling your feelings always makes sense.  Definitely be aware of how you feel and what it does to your body, your thoughts and your behavior. The next step is to manage your feelings, change your thoughts to align with where you want to be, and shape your behavior to be congruent with your self-image. Then you can answer your own question about whether it makes sense to hold onto that anger, whether it is consistent with who you want to be and how you want to spend your own emotional energy.  You can't change the other person, so don't blame your emotional state on her. However, you know that it takes a lot of work to take her off the hook and take responsibility for your own life. Hard work, but it is worth it.

Sometimes we can use the image of another person as motivation for our tasks and accomplishments.   We can always dream that a new set of circumstances will create a new outcome.  While this is possible, changing the past is not.  So don't look back on what "could have been" and let unreality affect your current emotions.  You are doing the right thing by looking at what you have gained, how you have grown, and by staying positive about your situation.  As you have trained yourself to let go of the past, you can also let go of anger and disappointment. Try not to focus on something that isn't currently active and giving back. As hard as it may be, keep being yourself, meeting new people, and refining your sense of what will work for you in a relationship. Perhaps some day you'll be glad you moved on from Ms. didn't even need a day to think about it.

Good luck.  Continue to be the nice and self-reflective guy that you are!

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,

If you went to the store and bought a gallon of milk for 2.50, and then a few days later the price of milk went up to 3.50, and the store owner called you up and said "the price of that milk you bought last week went up a dollar; we're going to have to ask you to bring in another buck," you'd think that that is ridiculous, right?

Sure you would.

So why is it that when the post office raises the price of sending a letter, they sell you one- or two- or whatever-cent stamps to make up the difference? You already bought the right to mail one letter at the price that was being charged when you purchased your stamp... that's when the transaction took place. You're not paying them when you put the stamp on the letter and mail it; it's not like they pull the stamps off and take them to the bank and deposit them, it's just like a proof of purchase or a receipt so that when you put it on a letter, they know that you paid a post office or other stamp vendor for your letter being sent.

It especially makes sense because when they moved stamps from 33 cents up to 34 for a regular letter, they stopped producing 33 cent stamps; so essentially the fact that you've got one proves that you bought it when that was the going rate for sending your letter.

I guess we can't complain too hard.. I mean, it is really a matter of a few cents, and I still think that it's pretty damn cheap to pay less than half a buck and have people hand deliver your letter or whatever anywhere else in the country, and I know that our postal rates are the lowest in the industrialized world, I'm really just more curious about the rationale for making you pay the difference for a new price when you already purchased a service at the old price, like my example with the milk.

Please lemme know whats up!

-frequent mailer

Dear frequent mailer,

It is an interesting little set of circumstances. The pre-selling of stamps is actually a convenience to save you a trip. You are really talking about speculating in the futures market. Which the PO doesn't get into. If what you propose were possible, imagine the outcome - some folks would buy up lots of stamps and continue to send mail at low rates, and even resell stamps (possibly on the black market) so that the Post Office would lose control over the pricing of their services. If you think of it as an independent business, it would be like buying the right to purchase a gallon of milk at any future date for a certain price. If you've already bought the milk, the production costs have been covered. If you're going to buy the milk next month, there could have been a drought and feed costs could have doubled, gas prices could have tripled, and a biological threat could have increased the cost of health care for the cows. The Post Office also deals with such production costs -- gas, labor, facility and maintenance costs. Be thankful for email, which significantly reduces your need to buy stamps for everything from correspondence to bill paying.

Speaking of stamps, I saw a beautiful set of Carnivorous Plants stamps recently, and asked the clerk for a sheet. He said they had sold out very quickly because they were so popular. In addition to mailing letters, you get to enjoy these beautiful designs!

Uncle Ezra

Dear uncle Ezra:

My daughter is about to finish high school and asked me for help on how to choose a profession.  I did not imagine how difficult it was to answer that question!  When I was her age I already felt a strong inclination to outdoors work in rural areas, then choosing agronomy was almost automatic and I feel quite pleased with my profession. But she does not seems to have any special inclination at this time, then I can not tell her to follow her inclinations, and I would like to offer her a more satisfying answer.  Could you indicate me where to find resources (internet will be great) that could help us tackling this issue.  As a start, I have in mind something like tests that could indicate the existence of abilities (or lack of them) for certain types of work, or counseling that could indicate us how to analyze the do's and dont's of choosing a career.

We are overseas, in a developing country, and high schools here do not offer much support, as is the case in the US, for this kind of situation.

                                                         Thanks very much.

                                                          A puzzled father

Dear Puzzled,

It is indeed a different world.  It's hard to even imagine yourself in your daughter's shoes in the year 2002 with several decades ahead of her. This morning's (Ithaca) newspaper had pictures of galaxies merging.  A gaping hole in downtown Manhattan reminds us of our vulnerability. Designer children and immunizations against cancer are realities. Once upon a time a "schoolteacher" taught what they knew. Now teachers have to study every night to keep pace with their students. A patient often has to clue their doctor in to the latest treatment.

There are several tests your daughter could start with to begin exploring career choices.  The Strong Interest Inventory will rate her in various categories according to what she says she is interested in. The Myers- Briggs is very popular because it helps people understand how their personality type helps or hinders various kinds of interactions. For example, an introvert shouldn't be a salesperson.

Three general categories to start with are: is she interested in People, Data, or Things? If people -- teaching, preaching, counseling, or sales. If data -- research, computing, accounting. If things -- engineering, design.  Your daughter might want to browse a college catalogue and see what courses interest her.  She is young enough, though, that she may not know until she actually takes the course.  So, she might want to have an exploratory year at college and then talk with advisors there.

"What Color is My Parachute" by Bolles is the career counselor's Bible. You can look around Cornell's Career Center page at http://www.career.cornell.edu/ with many helpful links.  Check out Melissa Everett's Sustainable Careers Institute at http://www.sustainablecareers.com/bio.htm and read her book "Making a Living While Making a Difference." Any tests or books can be springboards for discussion, but a teen needs to try out the waters to get a real feel for how they can do.  Apprenticeships and internships as well as job-shadowing allows young folks to see the real work of someone advanced in their field.  Do you have any friends you could set your daughter up with to do this?

Remember also that people these days have an average of 7 career changes!  That makes it easier to just start out.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

P.S.  Your daughter is lucky to have a supportive dad like you!  Just be there for her as she explores and she will bounce back to new successes.

Uncle Ezra

Uncle Ezra,

I appreciate the response to my question.  I think you and Ms. Grant forgot a key point.  If you stage a protest in a private mall (say Pyramid Mall), the owners of the mall cannot kick you out unless you are hurting their businesses (see Lloyd v. Tanner, 1972).  My question is are Cornell's rules legitimate?  Can they constitutionally throw me out if I stage a protest (without a UUP form) if it does not interefere with Cornell's primary business (to educate)?

                                                                   Thanks,

                                                                  Same guy

Dear Same guy,

Associate Judicial Administrator' Linda Falkson says that "The UUP relates to university policy and I don't believe it's referenced in Title 5 of the Code. All Cornellians are expected to follow both the Code (Title 5 and other provisions) and University policy. In these situations, students and others should fill out a UUP. Similar to the holding in the case cited, Title 5 makes reference to whether the activities are 'disruptive'. In terms of their enforcement, that is primarily what the police would consider. In other words, regardless of whether a UUP was filed, a primary consideration would be whether or not students were disrupted from entering the Straight or academic buildings or other facilities etc. I do believe that regarding access by non-Cornellians, it's considered private. "I hope this clears it up for you.

Uncle Ezra