Dear Parents,

Sharing parenting and discipline is one of the most difficult challenges of creating new families.  It sounds like you are up to par on "natural consequences" which allow you to step back and let the children learn for themselves that if they do A then B will happen.  If they forget their coat, they will get cold.  Next time they're more likely to remember the coat. It the coat comes to them via a phone call, that's the trick they learn.  It's only natural.  I also congratulate your husband on knowing "when to hold'em and when to fold 'em" by being flexible when he can.  That way you are teaching children that we all make mistakes and are not always perfect, and the best way out of a dilemma is to say "please" and "thank-you."

When anyone threatens, negotiations stop and someone is pulling a power play. If a child threatens, if all else is reasonable, the adult wins. It is disrespectful and manipulative for a child to threaten, unless there is an extreme situation such as an abusive parent.  Threatening by kids does not go over at all well at school or in the workplace, but children who learn it at home will use it when they think they can win. Here is an example of when it's ok for an adult to threaten (disguised as a choice):

Dad:  Go to bed please, Myra. Myra: No. Dad:  Do you want to go to bed now or five minutes from now, dear?
Myra: Never. Dad:  Do you want to go to bed by yourself or do I have to take you in
         there?

Dad has drawn the bottom line, and that is his job as a parent.  Kids want to know where it is, and like to play right around the edges.

Grandparents are special people.  For better or worse, they can do just about anything.  It is their privilege, and sometimes it helps them develop a relationship and reach kids when no one else can. In the situation you describe, I suspect grandma was responding to the emotional dilemma in the best way she knew. If it is typical for the mom to forget or not follow through, grandma may feel she is making up for it. And, grandma may feel she is helping out because of the night work schedule. The best you can do is gently explain that you appreciate her helping out - in many ways - but you don't want the kids to get the idea that they can be rude to their dad.  Ask her to help out by explaining this to the girl as only a grandmother can.  Believe me, if you can get grandma to be your secret agent, you will be a step ahead - especially in the teen years when whatever you say means do the opposite.

When things are less heated, after a nice meal together, you might be able to share your house rules and ask grandma what she thinks of them. Then ask if she'd like a copy.  You might also discuss values that you and your husband hold and want to reinforce through your child-rearing. Visit the site below, where you can find rules for giving, which discuss reasons for moderating material gifts, even when you are able to rush out and buy a quick solution. http://family.go.com/raisingkids/child/skills/feature/maho118give/maho118give2.html,

At http://www.familyfusion.com/grandparent/ahoy.shtml, some grandparent issues are discussed, and you may find support for yourself at http://www.secondwivesclub.com/.  Go for the long-term goal of good relations.

You might also be able to discuss with your daughter how kind it was of grandma to buy the shoes, and help her work out a repayment or gift of appreciation.  That way she learns that doing favors is a two-way street, and she may decide to moderate her requests according to what she is willing to give back.  Some suggestions: a thank-you note at the very least, help with yardwork or housecleaning, or something handmade that grandma can brag to her friends about.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear bw,

If you are interested in transferring to Cornell University,  start by checking out the admissions website at http://www.admissions.cornell.edu/.  This will provide you with useful information about Cornell as well as with links to each of the undergraduate colleges.  You may also contact the Admissions Office at admissions@cornell.edu, and indicate that you are interested in transferring to Cornell and that you would like to request a copy of the University Transfer Guide.  This will provide you with good basic information about transferring.

You may as well see how you settle into the University of Waterloo. Interests change as you go through college, so you may find you really like the University of Waterloo and prefer to stay, or you may  find that after a semester or two spent there, you would prefer a different direction for your studies at another university, or perhaps at another college within Cornell, different from that to which you originally applied.

I commend your devotion and commitment to wanting to attend Cornell, but also encourage you to make the most of wherever you are while you are there.  Good luck with your choices!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Confused,

Many people wonder about this distinction. The type of degree that an institution issues must be approved by the state's department of education.  The state basically breaks down courses/fields of study into those of a liberal arts-general studies nature, and those of a more practical/applied nature.  The percentage of a student's course work that falls into each category determines if they have a bachelor or associates of arts or science degree.

Areas considered by NYS as a liberal arts-general education include: English; drama; languages; music; art; philosophy; religion; mathematics; natural sciences; social sciences.

Fields of study that are not considered liberal arts-general education by NYS include: hygiene and health; physical education; secretarial science; business; home economics; education and methods; specialized professional courses such as law, medicine, nursing, architecture, and engineering; technology/technician fields; agriculture; personnel; library science; art studio courses; play production, lighting, etc.; music studio, performance recording, etc.; business correspondence; and theology.

A Bachelor of Arts (BA) or Associate of Arts (AA) degree has 75% liberal arts content (approx. 45 credits for an AA and 90 credits for a BA).  A Bachelor of Science (BS) or Associate of Science (AS) typically has 50% liberal arts content (approx. 30 credits for an AS and 60 credits for a BS).  A Bachelor of Fine Arts (BFA) or other similar degree typically has closer to a third of the course work in the liberal arts fields.

This explains why a science major in the college of Arts and Sciences receives a BA while a Hotel School student (who typically takes fewer science courses) receives a BS degree.

For more details about how "liberal arts" is defined, or what the various fields of study encompass, contact the New York State Education Department, Office of Higher Education at (518) 474-2593.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Vino searcher,

I am sorry that you are having troubles finding your favorite Finger Lakes wines on Long Island.  It's not that liquor stores in Long Island are anti-Finger Lakes, but that wineries sell their products to various liquor stores through distributors and through their own sales staff. Many of the local wineries are very small, and as a result, their distribution is not very far-reaching.  You might be hard pressed to find many Finger Lakes wines available in markets even 3 hours away, and if you do, the selection may not be very diverse.  Some of the larger vineyards such as Glenora and Dr. Frank have tried to expand their distribution, but it is not without a lot of work!

Your best bet for getting the wine you want is to contact your favorite Finger Lakes wineries directly, to see if they sell their wines on Long Island, and if so where.  If they do not, they may be more than happy to ship wine to you, since that's how they reach many of their long distance customers.  Here are the web sites for 3 of the biggest Finger Lakes wine trails:

Cayuga- http://www.cayugawinetrail.com/ Seneca- http://www.senecalakewine.com/ Keuka- http://www.keukawinetrail.com/

From these pages you can find out general information as well as contact information for individual wineries.  I notice that on the Cayuga wine trail site, you can order a wine sampler, a case of wines from all different Cayuga Lake wineries.

You might also want to visit the Uncork New York website at http://www.nywine.com/.  This provides links to all of the different wine regions in the state.  If you click on "Wine Locator" you can find NYS wine retailers in different regions of the state.  There is no Long Island region but there is one for New York City.  Depending on where you are on the Island, a trip to the Big Apple to buy wine might be feasible as well.

Also, have you visited any of the L.I. wineries yet?  Particularly along the North Fork, there are some wonderful wineries, to explore and sample.  With summer upon us, a trip to the agricultural part of the Island with a nice picnic lunch would make a lovely weekend excursion. The NYS site can provide information on these wineries as well.

If you're hankering for a trip to the Ithaca area, the Finger Lakes Wine Festival happens every July at the Watkins Glen Raceway and features wineries, food, and entertainment from all over the region. This is a great opportunity to sample and stock up on all of your favorite wines, as well as some new ones!  For details visit, http://www.flwinefest.com/.

Good luck with your wine searches.  Cheers!  Prosit!

Uncle Ezra   

Hi,
I've been lacking in the romance department.  what are the best places to meet people for that purpose?  at school, everyone is focused on their studying and nothing else.  bars and parties are usually cheesy.  aren't there advantageous situations where girls outnumber guys?

                                                                  Unsigned

Uncle Ezra