Dear graduated,

It was Archie Ammon's Salute:

May happiness
pursue you,

catch you
often, and,
should it
lose you,

be waiting
ahead, making

a clearing
for you.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Grad,

Have you tried the Big Red Barn http://www.gradschool.cornell.edu/grad/student_life/brb/index.html& nbsp;on Fridays ? (TGIF, Tell Grads Its Friday, ICTHLTTL - in case they have lost track of time in the lab.) There are many grads in your position, caught in the crunch of career/academic vs. social/personal needs.  Why not take the initiative to call a small dinner party at your place?  The best thing about being a graduate student is that the people you work with will be your colleagues for life. So however you make contact, you will be building and investing in life-long relationships. 

What are your interests? There are both student organizations and community groups for you to join with to find those who share your love of rock-climbing, international folk-dancing or solving the world's problems at the Chapter House. Try attending lectures around campus if you have special interests in those subjects, or go to the Art openings at the Johnson or in town. 

I can assure you that your days of having fun have only just begun (although you may change your definition of fun)!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear looking for best way,

I fear you may be setting yourself up.  By definition, "in the closet" men may be most difficult to locate and possibly least likely to be interested in establishing an enduring relationship. Although your desire to find men with same-sex attractions is natural, I wonder why you are exclusively interested in men who are “in the closet.” This raises several interesting questions that you might want to consider: Am I ready for a non-heterosexual relationship?, Am I ashamed of my same-sex feelings?, and Do I fear being seen with “out” gay men? Additionally, are you under the impression that closeted men will be more masculine or confidential and thus protect you from your own internalized homophobia and fears of exposure? To obtain a sense of inner peace, happiness, and self-esteem, it will be important that you carefully consider these questions and examine the motives behind your request.

If you wish to meet a broad variety of males with same-sex attractions – some of whom may still be closeted to family, friends, colleagues, etc. – you should consider attending some of the many events offered by Cornell’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Resource Center (LGBT-RC, www.lgbtrc.cornell.edu). They sponsor gay-themed movies, weekly coffee houses, weekly happy hours, and special events. Another excellent resource is Haven, which offers several social/support/discussion groups including: Cornell University Gay – Straight Alliance, Dialogue (religious, Christian, Jewish - Ga'avah), Greeks United (fraternity members), Mosaic (for “people of color”), OUTreach (formerly Men at Cornell, male discussion group), and Safe Space. Other Cornell resources for men are Lambda Law and Out in the World (social events for graduate students).

A more formal avenue for interacting with men takes place in the free/confidential Gay, Bisexual, and Questioning Men’s Support Group offered by Counseling & Psychological Services at Gannett. While they offer opportunities to connect and share, dating among members is prohibited.

Finally, the bar/dance club Common Ground is frequented by gay and bisexual men (and women) and provides an arena for socializing and meeting persons from beyond Cornell.  Of course, making your sexuality known to others is one of the best ways to let people know what you are looking for.  I hope you find some interesting people to get to know better, and that one of them will be interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear spattered,

My imagination creates a picture of one of those art experiences where one spatters all colors of paint in wild abandon.  You are the canvas and your friend is the artist.  OK, so he/she is not benefitting from the experience, but the image might help you smile.

Many people suffer from a wide range of anxiety when interacting with other people.  This anxiety can show itself in avoidance and self-isolation in the most timid.  The courageous will try to manage their anxiety but it may come out as soft voice, forgetting words, stuttering, and through other body symptoms such as sweaty palms, racing heart, dilated pupils, cold hands or shaking.

Your challenge is to communicate the effect your friend's symptoms have on you without increasing his anxiety at interacting with others. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine the easiest way to hear the message.  Be kind and compassionate; three steps ensure this approach.

Start with the positive: "I enjoy talking with you", and try something empathetic like "I know its hard to think about what you're saying and how you're saying it when you're excitied about it." You can even relate one of your own similar experiences.  Then insert the comment:  "Sometimes your enthusiasm comes out a little wet" -- if he gets that you may not need to be more specific, but clarify if needed to not leave things hanging.  Lastly, end on a hopeful note:  "If you don't mind, I'll let you know when it happens again" (you can develop a secret sign that only you and he understand), and let him know how you feel: "I'm really glad I was able to get this off my mind so we can continue to talk ."

Remember the old "I" statement adage? You are taking care of your feelings of discomfort: "I feel uncomfortable when this happens..." rather than blaming the person for their behavior: "You ..." In this way you don't bring out defensiveness from the other person.

I hope this sponges up your interactions! Sponging -- that's another fun art technique!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Dad,

You're welcome, I'm glad to be of help to a concerned parent.  Our children face so many challenges in life, and there are a few that we can offer help with. If we teach our children to take care of these things, rather than let them worry us unnecessarily, they learn to do what they can for themselves as they become more independent.

If you have a physician give your son a check-up and there is concern, you would probably be referred to an endocrinologist; from there he might be considered for testosterone injections at some point -- a lot would depend upon what condition was being treated.  I hope this help alleviate your anxiety so that you can go into your medical appoinment prepared to ask questions and understand your options.   

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Just,

You make a good point. If we can get a person on the moon, why can't we simply make a contraceptive that is 100% effective?

You are also very astute. As you acknowledge, many contraceptive barrier methods are vulnerable to human error. Putting on a condom after per-ejaculate has leaked, insufficient lubrication, use of "expired" condoms, improper or irregular condom use, etc. can lead to failure. Effectiveness rates include the failures caused by errors such as these.

Furthermore, human reproduction is not an exact science. Male and female fertility is affected by many factors such as health, substance use, stress, nutrition, menstrual cycle, etc. A woman may not always know when she is ovulating yet this is her most fertile time. A man may not be aware that sperm can cause pregnancy when deposited close to the vulva, even if a condom is used at the time of intercourse. Sperm can be transported later into the vaginal tract by a hand or finger, traveling up with the help of cervical mucus that may be present. Or, should sperm leak out after the act of intercourse is complete, it can still cause pregnancy. Sperm can live in the vaginal tract up to 5 days.

Suffice it to say, type of method, use, human failure and the often unpredictability of fertility all contribute to less than 100% effectiveness with contraceptives.

The good news is that individuals can certainly significantly reduce their risk of unwanted pregnancy with the proper use of certain barrier methods. Many barrier methods also provide the added bonus of decreased risk of sexually transmitted infections. Overall, most barrier methods provide good protection to those who are sexually active.

Part of our sexuality is being human and part of being human is imperfect.  We try to work the odds in our favor.  Abstention is 100%, all else hasa margin of error.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear was searching,

It ws indeed Q2, Tuesday 9/17, and the book, available this month in paperback, is Tuition Rising: Why College Costs So Much by Professor Ronald Ehrenberg, the I. M. Ives Professor of ILR and Economics.   His supply and demand theory is detailed: "A considerable volume of research, including some that I have done myself, shows that students who attend selective private colleges and universities on average, earn higher salaries and have a better chance of getting into top graduate and professional schools than otherwise comparable students.  The long lines of students that keep applying for admission to these places and the increasing quality, as measured by test scores and rank in class, of the students who attend them, suggest that students and their families understand this.  Tuition has been going up at these institutions for over 100 years at 2 or 3 percent more than inflation a year (on average) and the reasons for this are all discussed in my book."   Ehrenberg teaches a course on the Economics of the University in the ILR school.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Movie Goer,

Yes, you are correct, permission is required to use Cornell (or any name) anywhere, including television and movies. Typically if a movie or TV show would like to use the Cornell name, or Cornell memorabilia, they send us the portion of the script where the name is referenced for approval. In the past, Cornell has even supplied phony diplomas for a set! If a TV show or film does not ask permission to use the name, then the institution has a right to pursuit legal action. However, given the time and money that it takes to file complaints and lawsuits, I suspect that Cornell or another institution chooses when it is worthwhile to pick their battles.

I haven't had a chance to see Stealing Harvard yet, and I cannot speak for Harvard’s approval process. But perhaps they did approve the use of their name figuring ‘hey getting our name on the title of a major motion picture, regardless of the context, is still promoting the name Harvard.’ I would suspect that most institutions would not respond favorably to having their name associated with illegal activity or showing inappropriate behaviors supposedly happening at "their school." Perhaps this is why fictitious college names are often used in films that highlight the debaucheries of college life, such as Coolidge College in Van Wilder or Faber College in Animal House. The bottom line is that when you create your blockbuster movie, and you want your lead character to be a Cornell grad, make sure to ask first!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Queued-up,

You're right -- getting season hockey tickets in the section of your choice  is an arduous process!  For as long as Cornell Hockey tickets have been in demand, there have been complaints about the process, although that process has changed over the years. But despite your frustrations, the format of the hockey ticket sales is truly not to humiliate the fans! Rather, the goal is to insure that Lynah’s most Faithful get seats, and that those most committed will be able to get the seats of their choice.

Frank Araneo has been actively involved in the coordination of hockey ticket sales for the past couple of years. He explained "waiting may not prove you love Cornell Hockey, but it does prove that you are willing to sacrifice something to obtain one of the hottest commodities in Ithaca, and it is a demonstration of your commitment to show up at the games. The process is intended to ‘weed out’ those who are not die-hard fans. History shows that the easier the tickets are to obtain the lower the actual student attendance at games. The hockey team benefits from full attendance.

"After years of ticket-sale lines and waiting, one year the department instituted a lottery. There was no waiting, no sacrifice. Just enter the lottery, get your number, pay the bill and get the tickets. Everybody had an equal chance at getting the best seats. Student attendance suffered greatly, and the stands were not full. Many Lynah Faithful complained about the system and their seating and the wait/reward system was reinstituted.

"We do provide relief in that a student may hold another's place in line by holding his/her line number and presenting it during the random line number checks. This allows students the opportunity to leave the line, bathe, eat, sleep, study (which some do while waiting), etc. Also, a student can get season's tickets without waiting much in line. If you show up Saturday evening, get a line number, and wait until 11 pm, you will get tickets. You may not get the most preferred seats, but you will be able to get season's tickets. The line waiting method currently employed provides the means for students to get the seats of their choice, provided they are willing to sacrifice something to get them."

While you may not agree with the system, I hope that this explains the rationale behind the system. The Athletics Department has worked with the Student Assembly over the years to try to insure a safe and equitable ticket purchasing process. However, if you have some constructive comments for how they might tweak the system to run more efficiently, please let them know! If this is the madness that Cornellians experience when buying hockey tickets, can you imagine the hoops that students must jump through to get football or basketball tickets at a top-25 ranked school?!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Jeff,

The folks in the Department of Athletics and Physical Education would be happy to refer you to the photographer who took your friend's picture.  However, they need to know which picture it is so that they can locate it on the right contact sheet first.  Marlene Crockford (mmc7@cornell.edu) in the Sports Information office puts together the monthly event calendars; email her with more details and she will direct you to a color copy of that photo.  Good luck with your search! 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Columbia House Sufficed,

Whether you sign up to receive free CDs from Columbia House, charge merchandise to your credit card, or use electricity from NYSEG, by signing up for those services, you are agreeing to pay the company within the terms specified in your original agreement. This can mean paying the full amount of the monthly utility bill within 30 days, or agreeing to purchase 12 CDs from Columbia House over a given period of time.

Some companies may give you a grace period to pay your bill, or charge you a finance fee if you comply but at a slower pace. However, after a given time, if you do not fulfill your requirements, most companies will turn your name over to a credit agency. Defaulting on a payment of any sort will reflect negatively on your credit rating. You may not feel the immediate effect of defaulting on a credit card payment or blowing off your Columbia House contract. However, the repercussions may be felt the next time you apply for a credit card, car loan, cable TV service, apartment lease, or even a job and are declined because of your credit.

To learn more about your credit or obtaining a credit report (which will let you know your credit status) visit http://www.studentmarket.com/studentmarket/credit-reports.html. This link will explain your credit rating in further depth, as well as provide links to companies that can provide you with your credit report. As for Columbia House, I encourage you to fulfill the remainder of your contract -you received your free merchandise, and as part of that deal you agreed to buy a certain number of additional units. But be savvy! They may use sneaky marketing strategies to encourage you to extend your contract; when they send you 2-for-1 offers, or get "3 more free" offers avoid them! In the future, be sure that if you are going to sign up for any offer, that you read the fine print and understand what your commitment is! Also keep in mind that companies are not allowed to send you something that is unsolicited and that you are required to pay for, without your consent. Good luck!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Dilemma,

Life does present us with complex choices.  Yours is unclear to me -- do you plan a civil rights protest in which you'll be trespassing or are you going to take something from someone to prevent their harming themselves?  If you are likely to commit a huge mistake with huge implications, and possible consequences to yourself, you should get some more specific advice. 
Why not talk the situation over with someone for whom the conversation would be considered "privileged", like a psychologist, a lawyer or a clergy person?  In some situations, the police might be able to help, and your position would be stronger.   Take care of yourself!

Are there other ways you can effect the same ends -- letters to the editor, forming a group to work on the issue, or even making it an academic project that could result in a grant proposal and intervention? 

Mark Twain said, "Always do right -- this will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Niece,

I am sorry to hear about your mother's death.  Such an early loss is especially hard on family members who plans and dreams are shattered.  Our lives are so intertwined with a spouse and mother, that it is sometimes even impossible to imagine that person out of our lives. 

Your father is certainly in early stages of grieving.  He may not have accepted the loss yet, and may be trying to ward off his deeper grief by filling the role of spouse and parent for you with someone else.  He may feel so lost himself that he wants to feel something solid in order to go on - the solidity of another spouse may seem comforting to him. What you are perceiving as a "cavalier" attitude is actually a way of managing very strong and unsettling feelings by denying their strength. He is trying to hold himself together, and he may feel the need to hold the family together too.  Many men have internalized these "macho" values to not express emotion or show vulnerability, and so he may be struggling with how to be a man and navigate this emotional storm.

You can't control your father's behavior, so keep a comfortable distance until you're ready to deal with his life as he will now create it.  Try to be happy if he can reach out to others and use their support to get through the next year or two.

One thing you can do is take care of yourself at this very difficult time for you.  Those closest to you will feel some reverberations -- you are angry at the loss and it may come out as anger at anyone or anything close.  Make sure you have some good punching pillows, or some weeds to pull or wood to chop.  Scrubbing the oven or tub may do it, too. Some people even find it helpful to roll up the car windows and scream -- anything that helps you get your feelings out and protects others from the intensity.

Journalling is an excellent way to keep yourself sane at this time.  You can write a letter or poem to your mother, and cry your heart out as you do it.  As you reread it, it will help you get in touch with the bittersweet memories -- how you loved her and how you miss her.  Grief support groups can be very strengthening at this time -- call your local Hospice for information. Some people find a counselor or therapist helpful to help them maintain a sense of emotional balance during a grieving transition.  Since you say you are feeling strong negative feelings toward your dad and boyfriend, at least a few sessions may help you manage these feelings.

Make sure you play some comforting music, take a walk outside, eat well and keep connections to friends and activities that have been important to you. There are many helpful books in the bookstores now about grieving.  If you could browse in an actual store (as opposed to online), you may be able to find the one that speaks best to you. There may be an online chat group around the grieving experience, but be careful that it is a good and secure group and that you have some internet security tools to keep advertisers from picking up your history and targeting you as a vulnerable subject for selling their easy cure.

Do you know this Archie Ammons poem?

"An Improvisation For Angular Momentum":           

"...Perhaps the death mother like the birth mother
does not desert us but comes to tend
and produce us, to make room for us
and bear us tenderly, considerately,
through the gates, to see us through,
to ease our pains, quell our cries,
to hover over and nestle us, to deliver
us into the greatest, most enduring
peace, all the way past the bother of
recollection,
beyond the finework of frailty,
the mishmash house of the coming &
going,
creation's fringes,
the eddies and curlicues"
                       ;                                                 & nbsp;                       &n bsp;              

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Happy,

The Mental Health Association in Ithaca maintains a partial listing of local therapists  (http://www.mhaedu.org ).  You can try Signe Kastberg signek@twcny.rr.com or Barb Platek.  They can refer you to others they know of.  You may find that many Ithaca therapists use interesting and holistic approaches that will help you, so you might consdier expanding your horizons to find the right fit.  I hope you are able to find someone compatible.  

Uncle Ezra   

Dear wants selection,

CIT tells me that they do not, in fact, operate a monopoly on internet service within the residence halls.  With permission from Campus Life, students may elect to obtain service from the provider of their choice.  For example, students in cable-ready rooms may choose to contract with the cable provide for cable-modem internet service.

The first step is to contact the Campus Life facilities office at 255-0423 and discuss your request with the area manager for their residence.  This will determine what options are available in your specific residence, and at what installation cost.

Bear in mind that you are responsible for any and all costs associated with the installation and provision of service by whatever means you choose.  Make sure you get all the information to make wise choices.

Uncle Ezra