Dear Fan,

This spot is charmed! Academics, dragons, hockey or Slope Day magic -- we don't need to brag! But we do like to share our special spot with those who care to venture north or west of the Old World's charms.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear miserable,

I'm sorry you're feeling badly, but I assure you things will get better. Feeling miserable is not silly, it is serious.  If you minimize your pain it may have to scream louder to get your attention.  Having a stable home base is an essential ingredient to a life that feels balanced and stress-managed. As is the case with your experiences, the more difficult history we build up, the more anxious we can feel about approaching a problem again.

Fortunately for you, the need for housing pushes you to try try again.  I hear some doubts about your ability to get along with roommates, but you say you don't want to live alone.  If that is important to you, it might be helpful to look at the kinds of situations that have come up in living with others and determine what worked and what didn't work in resolving conflicts. Try to develop a fuller toolbox of skills to manage your feelings and relationships before they become problems. Perhaps now you can walk away from more than you could before, or maybe you have more of a handle on your own emotional state that might contribute to easier roommate relations. That includes being able to let difficult roommates roll off your back and not let them get to you or not feel the need to react to their emotional states.

I'm worried when you say you are beginning to hate yourself for being human, not being perfect, not being sure, as if that were so easy.  Try to go easy on yourself, have a little compassion for this stage of unsureness, and don't blame yourself for the bouncing around that everyone does that affects everyone else. It's not about you, it's about your age and stage and the fact that seniors must find housing and that everyone is going through changes, too. Talk to yourself about how hard it is to be here and what you can do to move towards where you want to be. Allow yourself to feel anger and disappoint as normal human emotions, but don't let them fester into hate.  Plow that anger back inot the ground and turn it into fruitful action to make the changes that will move your life along.

Feeling insecure is uncomfortable, but you can manage the uneasiness with a little faith in yourself and in your community, knowing you won't fall too far.  Don't push for an immediate solution.  Allow yourself to feel the insecurity, and respond to it with a balancing feeling of hopefulness.  Each time you decide to look for housing, contract with yourself to be optimistic yet not expecting miracles. 

Contact the Housing Office and use local housing listings (online housingsolutions, bulletin boards like WSH, ads) and create your own ad.  Check the bulletin boards where you post it from time to time to make sure it is still up.  Networking is an especailly successful technique.

Some is lost, some is gained, there is more to lose and gain tomorrow, but in fact life does go on, and you only need to allow yourself to be a part of the natural order of progression.  Best to you.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Tilted,

It's a good idea to converse with your clinician and develop an ongoing relationship to get your questions answered.  You can call and leave a message to ask the clinician you spoke with to call back to discuss these questions. In that way the clinican can clear up misunderstandings without any misinterpretation. 

"Tilted uterus" probably refers to "retroverted" or "anteverted" uterus - in other words one that is tilted a bit forward or back. Most of the time this tilting does not cause a lot of problems - the amount of tilting and possible problems should be discussed with a clinician. It may mean you can't wear tampons comfortably.

Cranberry juice may help to prevent Uriary Tract Infections - UTIs - possibly by helping to prevent attachment of bacteria to the cells in the urinary tract - NOT by changing the acidity of the urine (you'd need a tanker load of juice to do that). Cranberry pills contain concentrates of the juice. Our Gannett physician says he can't recommend doses of herbs as he neither knows them nor  knows any research that says "this much works". Side effects would possibly be diarrhea (from the juice). There is no evidence that cranberry will cure an established infection, he says.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Shivers,

Our Gannett doc says that being out in cold weather, in and of itself, won't make you more susceptible to illness.  Unless, perhaps if you are out long enough to stress your immune system.  More likely, when it is cold outside, you spend more time inside and breathe the same air as your sick friends and relatives who cough and sneeze onto you or their hands; then they touch you and spread the illness. It is after all, the age of the germ theory.

When you come in and your nose is cold, the vasodilation effect makes the nasal mucous engorge and leak fluid in response to the warm indoor temperatures. Once you've equilibrated, things are fine again.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Proof,

Abby Nash, who teaches the Wines course at the Hotel School, says the balance is distilled water.  If you are referring to flavorings as additives, "the answer is subjective." 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Creditworthy,

You already showed good judgment at 16 when you didn't use your credit card. Unless you had a reliable regular income,  you could pay cash for your needs.  Training yourself to save ahead for what you want is good discipline against impulsive buying.  

As recent Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman proved, economic behavior is just as irrational as the rest of our actions.  So common sense tells you one thing, but then again it also tells you to get the best rate. It's a competitive world out there. No one blames you for getting a good deal. 

Your credit rating is based on your history of repaying your debts according to your contracts.  You are not even discredited for keeping an unpaid balance, if it's in the rules of the contract. Your mortgage and rents should be paid on time, and you shouldn't have a history of bankruptcies, there should not be too many credit inquiries, and your debt ratio should be within certain limits.  A good explaination of the process can be found at: http://www.econedlink.org/lessons/index.cfm?lesson=MM188.

Oh, by the way, the school you attend also can factor into your rating.  Cornell students fare well here. If you show you can manage your money, you're a good credit risk.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear niece,

I'm glad you feel your relationship is excellent.  Sometimes two very different types of personalities bring a nice balance to a relationship.  We don't really need someone to be just like us.  But, we do learn from those around us, and your boyfriend may pick up on some of your coping strategies that he sees are effective, in the same way that you may learn something about his being laid-back that helps you relax. 

Since your boyfriend recognizes his need for help, your best position is to be encouraging and supportive of his finding his way, without directing him or doing it for him.  The process is part of the solution.  Managing stress is a common need around campus, and there are programs from time to time through the Center for Learning and Teaching (time management), EARS (peer support) and CAPS (emotional management). See Ezra's Links to Counseling and Academic Services for contact numbers. Through CAPS, he may get referred to a counselor in town where he can do some focused work on the types of situations that trigger inappropriate responses and how to develop his reactions to manage his energy more effectively. 

At college, we are met with many more complex challenges in the increasing and interwoven arenas of our lives.  Therefore, we must all develop more effective coping skills for managing these situations as they arise.  And now, we have political situations which present further stresses.  These call on our resourcefulness to respond with care for ourselves and others around us.

We can care for one another by providing healthy islands in the midst of stress.  Having a morning coffee with a friend can help start the day out right, a special card in the mail or chocolate on the pillow, a walk in the gorge or a workout session together, watching the sunset or the stars -- these are all stress relievers that are free for the taking of the time to indulge.  The payback is manyfold.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Wannabe,

Change that wannabe to gonnabe.  Don't be limited by other peoples' ideas of what can be.  Define your own could be.  You want a nightclub without smoking?  Why not?  Start to imagine what it would look like, where it woud be, who its clientele would be, what needs it would fill?  Did you learn about cohort in your BA program - what is different about the cohorts you would be marketing from the cohorts of the past decades?  Have you heard of the Opera Karaoke in NYC?  Anything goes. Or, "build it and they will come." 

Think about the logic - nightclubs have been havens of tobacco and alcohol, so anyone who doesn't want to be in that environment stops going to nightclubs.  Then you start to define nightclubs by who is left because of the restrictions they have imposed.

Be a dreamer and build foundations under your dreams so you and the rest of the world can get there in this lifetime.  Good luck!  (P.S. Make an appointment with Career Services for some bricks and mortar.)

Uncle Ezra   

Dear helpful,

Thanks for sharing!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Wayne,

A physicist would have to repeat the experiment and might need to know if the metal cylinders are full or empty. Your question is for a physicist or mechanical engineer, and has to do with rotary motion, probably the change in friction as the water lubricates the surface of contact and the wave of water pushed away from the point of contact. The combination, if your observation is correct, would eventually produce a force on the cylinder surface that causes it to rotate in the opposite direction. Beyond this, perhaps you can ask a physicist directly so you can explain the details of your scenario.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Driver(?),

There are certainly pros and cons to that argument. The driving age has been as low as 14 in some states, yet a disproportionate number of drivers under 17 have fatal accidents.  Statistically, a 16-year-old is nine times more likely to have an accident than the average driver. Losing one teen to bad driving is one too many.  We just love you kids too much to have that happen!  Some possibilities are giving a longer-term learner's permit to allow for more teaching and monitoring, allowing workers to drive to work only, or offering more driver safety courses.

If the reason that teens have the highest number of accidents is that they are inexperienced, some argue that increasing the driving age to 18 would simply mean that 18-year-olds would cause the majority of accidents. Experience takes years to gain and cannot be rushed. However, there is a lot of mental development that takes place in those two 16-18 years. Younger teens are more impulsive, less tolerant of frustration, more egocentric, and less skilled at managing stressful situations. An 18-year-old has a much more mature self to bring to the driver's seat.

We must also consider the environment in which a teen is driving.  The roads are more crowded than ever.  Distractions abound - from CD players to cell phones, most teens are not disciplined enough to focus on their driving and are not able to delay gratification even a little. Lives are more stressful and people always seem to be rushing here or there. If you're running, you'll get an aerobic workout, but if you're speeding, you may take another person's life.

There are many responsible 16-year-old drivers on the road today.  They are helpful to family and friends and they take their privileges seriously. It is tough to legislate a one-size fits all policy. Lawmakers will have to use statistics and good judgement. I think safety of all is our paramount concern.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear faucet-conscious nephew,

Our facilties director says that "There are some types of American Standard faucets that both handles turn the same direction, but just because it is available doesn't make it a standard."  He is not aware of which  state plumbing codes specify the knob direction.  "In any case, our standard is single handle faucets which make this issue mute."

I asked an Extension Assoicate for a second opinion, and he said "I don't know where this student has his hardware store, but he may want to go home and talk to his dad.  In my experience the standard for modern
double knob quality faucets is to open by turning the knob to the center and close by pushing the knobs out.  When you reverse the spindles the knobs
will work the opposite way.  I have known people to reverse them on purpose because the faucet is close to the back-splash and they find it easier if the knobs work in reverse.  There are still some manufactures evidently who have the knobs both go in the same direction (right on and left off)-- with these the spindles are reversible without the direction changing, but I find these less and less.  I would guess at Cornell where all the faucets are the same in a particular building parts get interchanged with out much regard to direction especially in older building where parts may not be readily available anymore.   I don't know of any code requirement other than in institutional facilities where things have to be consistent so residents don't get confused and scald themselves, but most of these also have limits on water temperature as well. 

He continues with a litle good-natured teasing: "I hope this helps, but I don't think anything is going to convince this student unless you get a letter from Kohler, Delta, Chicago, Moen and all the other major faucet manufactures and even then it may not convince him.  I think he is just at that conquer-the-world age (I remember being there) another year at Cornell should teach him how much he doesn't know."  Or vice-versa. 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear frustrated Reader,

I agree, it can be dangerous with very hot water. I was likening this controversy to the Ann Landers "Which way to mount the toilet paper" arguments, but this one has more of a need for rational discovery. Read on ...

Uncle Ezra   

Dear tired,

As we raise our sensitivities and consciousnesses, so perhaps the process implies a necessary toughening of skins.  The process whereby that happens creates a feeling that the playing field is level, and that the "offending" term does not come with the power of cultural baggage.  Siblings can say almost anything to one another.  Friends have to be more careful. When at the level of a public institution, we need to develop a history with one another, respectfully yet allowing for playful license.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear best man,

Heartfelt and personal is best. Well, I have heard some only lightly embarassing comments used well.  "Remember the time..." if the memories now are warm and pleasant with the softening of time. Since everyone's perception of taste is a little different, if in doubt, one should check their intended speech out with a few friends. Thanks for the resource.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear examining,

It is natural to become emotionally involved once you let your protective guard down and start sharing on deeper levels with someone. Unless you're a rock or an icicle.  I assume you're not heart-broken since you say you didn't like him seriously. You're just a little ego-bruised.   The trick is to learn how to snip off those little threads of attachment that remain and close the outer gates to your heart again.

Give yourself some credit.  This guy pursued you - you were attractive to him and that feels good.  You were intrigued by his attractiveness to other women, so you checked it out.  Maybe they know something that you'd like to find out, you thought.  Now you know. 

I can't really answer your "what makes men" question as there may be as many answers as there are men.  Fear of intimacy?  Fear of loss of independence?  Fear of loss of control? Insecurity?  Uncertainly?  Fear of committment? Fear of self?

Let's look at what you are dealing with.  You can't believe you were played.  That may be a little harsh on yourself.  You can't understand why you couldn't melt this guy's heart.  You can melt hearts, just not his, and that's his problem. You were trusting and open and you misjudged; even if you got 1600 on your boards, there is no equation that says niceness=true love.  There are more variables in this equation than there are in predicting the stock market.

So, as you study for your exams, just smugly meditate on how easy they are compared to how hard figuring out guys is.  And if you do decide to become a social psychologist studying attraction and romance, good luck!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Cornell Grad,
The death of Ritesh Shetty was a tragic loss for his family, friends, and university community. We mourn his passing with sorrow. 

As your comment indicates, the stresses of being a graduate student and particularly an international graduate student are immense. The University continues to try and increase support for students through their colleges, and through the university at large.  Over the last 2 years, the University Counseling and Advising Network (UCAN) has been established through Gannett Health Center, with the purpose of increasing the awareness of  faculty and student support staff to signs and symptoms of students in distress, with the intent to reach out to those students identified. There are other initiatives as well, such as the Asian, Asian-American Task Force, which is looking at the particular needs of these communities.  CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) sees hundreds of students a year in an effort to support them in stressful times. The Office for International Students and Scholars provides many services to help with transitioning.

Sometimes, even with all of the increasing efforts, students in trouble are not sure how to ask for help, or the community does not respond in time. These tragedies are not always the result of external circumstances or the academic environment.  Some individuals have serious personal difficulties or illnesses and we never know exactly why one makes a decision to take one's life.  This is a very personal decision.

Of course, more needs to be done, and those in the Cornell Community who are concerned as you are, continue to work to learn how to be responsive to diverse student needs.  Thank you for your concern.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Applicant,

Typically, 15 to 25 percent of the early-decision applicants who are postponed to regular admission are ultimately admitted to CALS. It's too early to say what the percentage will be this year. Despite the statistics, I hope you make it in.  If not here, I hope you find an excellent college experience for next year.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear HortTiger,

Believe it or not, it is true that at Cornell the graduate admissions committees review the entire application file including test scores, undergraduate and previous graduate coursework and GPAs, the essay, the letters of recommendation, and any other submitted materials such as professional portfolios or work samples, when ranking applicants and making admissions decisions.  Of course, some programs, particularly doctoral programs and those in the sciences and engineering, give more weight to GRE scores or grades (particularly in courses related to the graduate program) than others, but I don't think there's a graduate field at Cornell that uses rigid score or GPA cutoffs in the review process.  If you would like more information, please check out the Graduate School's website at http://www.gradschool.cornell.edu/  It contains general information as well as separate pages for each graduate program, including requirements and contact information.  Each graduate program has a faculty member (the Director of Graduate Studies) and an administrative support person (the Graduate Field Assistant) who may be contacted with specific questions.

Good luck with your dreams and your plans!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Mom-to-be,

Congratulations!  You must be very excited, as well as concerned about managing these new responsibilities.  You've asked many questions about pregnancy at Cornell, and the short answer is that there is no one single place or group to go to.  However, we do have the collective wisdom of many...some of whom experienced  being a mom while a grad-student, like yourself.  Perhaps there are also some readers out there who might have some recommendations to offer as well? 

Do you have an ob/gyn yet?  There are many options in Ithaca, from the traditional medical approach to midwives, many of whom work in and through medical offices or September Hill birthing center. You must specify up front that you want to work with a midwife, and be expecting a fairly normal birth. You could make an appointment to speak with Suzanne Wilson, RN in Gannett Health Center. Planned Parenthood also offers pregnancy services. Of try the Ithaca Pregnancy Center at 273-4673.  They are very pro-pregnancy and want very much to support anyone in any way that they can. 

 For pregnancy support groups, consider joining a prenatal yoga class (257-3677), or meet other expectant mothers/couples at a Bradley birthing class. For childbirth classes in Ithaca, call 274-6622 or 266-7800.  Or try the Birth Group at 277-3455.  The La Leche League, 273-1325, may not be specific to your needs at this moment but they are very open and supportive of pregnant mothers, particularly those who plan to nurse.

When you tell your advisor, share the news with confidence and joy.  It may be helpful to present a plan for how you expect to balance your academics and your newborn when you tell him, complete with a revised timeline for degree completion.  You are worried that he won't take you seriously anymore, but if you have a professional and realistic approach to how you plan to balance your time (which may indeed mean slower progress) you will demonstrate that you are taking both your family and your academic responsibilities seriously.  See Q13 from the 2/18/03 posting for specific policy information about graduate students who are pregnant.  The baby's dad could shift his schedule, too, to accommodate the baby and both of your workloads. Are there grandparents in the picture - they can be very helpful.  A sister? 

Unfortunately Cornell does not offer maternity leave per se for graduate students (or faculty members either).  Many mothers with newborns took a semester or two where they cut back on their workload significantly, or may take a medical leave of absence.  Not only does a newborn take a lot of your daytime hours, but your sleeping hours too!  Some people feel that having a child while being a graduate student is the ideal time because they have the most flexibility in their schedule; they can work at odd-hours of the day.  Babysitters can help to give you undisturbed work time, although that may not fit in your graduate student budget.  You wrote that you're concerned about housing, have you looked at any on-campus options yet?  Visit http://housing.cornell.edu for information on housing for students with families.  Living with other students with small children might give you the sense of community that you need, as well as opportunities to share babysitting duties with each other. A babysitting coop can be very helpful, too.

If you are worried about the status of your fellowship and making ends meet, speak with the staff in Fellowships and Financial Aid in the Graduate School.  They would be able to work with you on the opportunities or limits in your current stipend -if your work schedule were to be reduced in the fall.  They might also be able to direct you to other scholarship opportunities that you have not found yourself.  A lack of funds should not prevent you from receiving adequate prenatal care, or medical care for your newborn child.  Your baby can receive health insurance through Child Health Plus, but you will need to also find something separate for you.  You would also be eligible for WIC resources.  Some of the referral groups above may be able to give you guidance on this, or try MOMS -Medicaid, Obstetric, and Maternal Services at 274-6622.  The Unitarian Church has a very generous Babies First program that lends all needed equipment (email: did1@cornell.edu).

If you notice that you are feeling depressed or angry, do find someone to talk to, to help you negotiate all of this.  Allow yourself to acknowledge that this is a hard time and reaching out will do more good than harm. In fact, taking the load off your mind will have multiple benefits for you and baby and family!

I hope these referrals give you a jump-start to finding the resources and support you need.  Reach out and look for groups that support pregnant women and new families, and you will find that there are many out there willing to reach out to you and your husband.  Early in your pregnancy you may not be showing (but neither are your peers), so knowing who those peers are will come with time!  I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy!   

Uncle Ezra   

Dear a.a.,

So, you really want to trade the sun for the snow, and the heat for our seasons? Sounds like a difficult series of circumstances you have experienced on your way!  Perhaps there was more going on -- it always helps to check into these things personally, although that in itself can be a frustrating challenge.  You can write a letter detailing times and dates, and follow it up with a phone call to a specific person. Cornell always reviews an application again if it appears that misinformation was provided to us by the school. 

For admission statistics, please visit the Instituional Research adn Planning (IRP) web site where you will find comprehensive admission statistics, including transfer statistics  http://dpb.cornell.edu/irp/undergrad.htm  There is a link from our admissions web site as well.

To understand the admission process, you can read the Transfer Guide (one should have been mailed to you if you have already applied). The Transfer Guide is a comprehensive review of transfer admission to Cornell. Students are welcome to request a transfer guide at the following web site https://admissions.cornell.edu/inquiry/transfer/index.cfm.

If you are truly motivated to achieve a goal, you will find a way to make it.  Perseverence is a fine quality -- don't let the red tape tie you up.  Hope to see you here soon!

Uncle Ezra