Dear wondering,

Do you annoy yourself?  Or others?  Or both? When I try to imagine what that might look like, I imagine that perhaps the same things come up again and again.  I would say, perhaps you are expecting too much of yourself, too fast, too perfect. I would suggest, that you slow down, take a deep breath, look around and see what's there.  Feel better? 

The feeling of being annoyed, or the behavior of acting annoying, can come from anxiety and hyperarousal.  If you are causing anxiety to someone else, you are doing something they don't like, and perhaps have asked you not to do. In this case, being annoying could be focusing on your self and your own "feel-good" behavior, probably something you do to calm yourself down.  If you are making someone else feel badly, then you may only be making it worse for yourself.  It could be you are in denial of the feelings you have, either of anxiety, guilt, disappointment, sadness, anger or loneliness. In order to drown out these feelings, you repeat a behavior that hasn't worked, but is in your repertoire, and quick and easy. But you may feel badly that you've done it, and there you go annoying yourself.

Living together in the world as we do, we need to respect one another's boundaries.  Whether it is not playing loud music at night, not carrying on long phone conversations, or not throwing your towels on the floor, we must come to an agreement with those with whom we share space, to create a mutually acceptable living environment.  It must be win-win, anything else is annoying.  

If you have unmet needs and insist on winning at someone else's expense, you can look for other ways to get your needs met.  Working with a good counselor can help you identify some of these areas and some strategies for moving out and on. In the extreme case, annoying behavior may come from a person who is suffering from untreated depression, anxiety, or a more serious problem which can be helped with medication and therapy. In this case, be kind to yourself and try a solution out before you discard the possibility.

Then again, you could be young and cute and creative and unappreciated for the unique genius that you are!  In this case, keep looking for an environment, a school or workplace or group of friends, who appreciate your talents, and who you can also appreciate. 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear seeking truth,

The truth is there are many many bright students, some of whom perform well on SATs, but not always. Some of them go to top Ivies, but some prefer other schools for various reasons.  Each student body is unique, and Cornell compares quite favorably, if there is any way to compare, which there really isn't. Some of our students or theirs may find the cure for cancer or a way to world peace, but many of the best and brightest will go on to become good people, citizens, friends, maybe parents, and workers in whatever line they choose to use to express their genius.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear blue,

Attachment bonds hurt when they are broken.  And you have the additional hurt of homophobia, seemingly without remorse.  This student is young and may need more experience and education before he can examine his attitudes and make some changes.  Your relationship with him will factor into his experiences that may one day help him see things differently.  You may have lost a friend, or he may be back later, or maybe he wasn't as close a friend as you thought. Did you tell him about your own orientation when he made the comment about not being able to be friends?  It's hard to confide, so one needs close friends to practice sharing intimacies and feeling acceptance.  I'm sorry he wasn't one you could do this with.

Gay or straight, unreturned phone calls may be a social message to ask for more distance, and it is best to respect a person's wishes, no matter how poorly articulated. If a person feels their boundaries are treated with respect, they may be more likely to communicate around the edges.  Consider his feelings of safety as well as your own needs.

When you noticed he was looking, you may have been making some interpetations that may or may not be accurate.  Be careful about how you read behavior.  There are no discrete boxes for social and sexual behavior.  Don't try to label a person based on one piece of behavior.  Let him be who and how he wants, as you would like to be.  There may be the perfect friend waiting for you to notice him right behind you.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Not Listed,

It depends on whether you are a staff member or a student.

If you are a staff or faculty member, you can use Employee Essentials to suppress your home address and home telephone number. A faculty or staff member who wants to suppress their campus address or telephone number should contact their human resource representative.

If you are a student, you should contact the Office of the University Registrar in Day Hall (univreg-mailbox@cornell.edu about your options).  Beginning this fall there are 2 ways to supress this informatoin, but both have some limitations (it's not possible to just restrict your local address/phone, without other restrictions as well). 

Make sure that those who will need to communicate with you know your contact information, and be sure to update them as needed.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear colors,

Red is a hard color to wash with white in the same garment.  Certain fabrics bleed more easily than others. In the future, use cold water and and a colorfast cold water detergent. At this point, you could try dabbing bleach on the white with a Q-tip, but the bleach could just as easily bleed onto the red and leave streaks. You might also take the garment by a dry-cleaning establishment and ask their advice.  Good luck.

Uncle Ezra