Dear Uncle Ezra - Questions for Thursday, February 12, 2004

Dear Confused,

We all have our limits. For some things, the sky is the limit. However, we all need to be aware of our personal boundaries and keep them firm and supportive to our mental health. What are the signs of disrepair? Your feelings. If you feel frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, bored, upset, depressed, hopeless, or worse, it is time to do some remodeling on the psychological homefront. Once you've done that work, you'll be able to reset your own moral compass to help you decide what is right or wrong for you.

Here are some questions to ask yourself: Why did I break up with him? What was good about the relationship? What was bad? What did I do to address the problem? Did it work? How did we move on? Did problems get covered up? Did I really feel like my questions were resolved? Did I understand where he was coming from and do I understand where he is going? Are his goals compatible with mine? Why did I get back with him? Are things different? How do I feel? How does he feel? What do I need? What does he need? Does this relationship help us get our needs met? What do I want? What does he want? Are we working on a dream that we both share? Do we really believe in it? How much are we willing to sacrifice to get there?

You could take out a journal and head each page with one of these questions. Allow yourself an hour of free space to free-write about it. Focus on your feelings so you can get some insight into what is happening inside of you. Journaling allows you to do this free of relationship issues which can sometimes cover up your own true feelings. Your insights will give you some solid fodder for a conversation with him which will help you clarify the issues that are discomforting for you right now. The skills you build in asking and finding answers to these questions will help you in this or future relationships.

Now that you know how you feel, you can judge what is right for you based on maintaining your self-esteem and positive energy flow. David Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook is a good guide. The stronger you feel, the better able you are to get out of the backwater and back into the main stream.

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,
I live in Collegetown. I never gave the postal worker a christmas gift b/c we left before the holidays and it didnt occur to me. What is the proper mailman etiquette? $20 check? A batch of cookies? I feel bad, cause i'm sure the mailpeople who have the suburban homes get good holiday tips, and i have a feeling that the college kids in c-town forget to do anything... What do you think? Thanks.

DUE,
What does the Bible say about sex before marriage?

Dear Biblican,

You can discuss your thoughts with your clergy or anyone at Cornell United Religious Works (http://www.sws.cornell.edu/curw/) at Anabel Taylor Hall here on campus. If you read the Bible, you may have more questions than when you started out with on this subject. Some may interpret what they read in light of their own moral compass, the historical context of no birth control but abstinence, and shorter life spans such that people married at sexual maturity. There are many websites on this issue. See http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Academy/2841/nosexbfmrg.html which says that the Bible does not say per se, however, a woman who was not a virgin when married was to be stoned to death according to Deut 22:13-21. This would make it difficult for a woman to decide not to maintain virginity until she is married, and rather thoughtless and unChristian of a man to put her in this predicament.

This site http://www.gotquestions.org/sex-before-marriage.html says that "the Bible calls 'pre-marital sex' fornication. It is repeatedly condemned in Scripture along with all other forms of sexual immorality (Acts 15:20; Rom 1:29; 1 Cor 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 12:21; Gal 5:19; Eph 5:3; Col 3:5; 1Thess 4:3; Jude 7)".

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,
My roommate and I heard that there is a sculpture on the cornell campus with only one testicle. Where would this statue be, and why does it lack one testicle?

Dear Uncle Ezra,
My professor keeps calling on me to answer questions in class. But I don't raise my hand, and I sit toward the back, so this is very awkward. I've never even spoken to the guy. It's a large class, and I'm wondering why he is so interested in me. He rarely calls on anybody else, even if they raise their hands...What should I do? I don't want to offend the guy and end up with a lously grade...

Uncle,
I have a big problem.. i get really tired no matter how much i sleep. I need an extra boost of energy during the day so i want to buy some pills that can give me energy. I have looked at GNC and all other supplements but i dont know which one really works. Can you help me find some energy pills that really work so i can be more productive during the day. Thank you, Daniel

Dear Daniel,

Feeling tired can be tiring. It may be a sign of stress or uberstress- exhaustion. Caffeine or pills may get at the symptom but not the cause. Save your time and money to get at some long-term solutions. Some energy pills are dangerous because they contain amphetamines. But if you want to try ginseng , it may be worth a try. Exercise is an important way to de-stress, and can actually energize you by replenishing your brain biochemicals - endorphins - that make you feel good and protect you from feeling low. BDNF- Brain Derived Neurotrophic Factor - is a recent substance of interest in this process.

Consuming regular, balanced meals with protein, carbohydrates and other basic nutrients is the best way to fuel the body and maintain energy throughout the day. There is no pill, bar, or drink that can do it instead, despite the many, many claims in ads and on labels. If you're having trouble figuring out whether your food intake is adequate, we have a nutritionist at Gannett who can help you -- students can schedule an appointment with the Cornell Healthy Eating Program nutritionist at Gannett, 255-5155.

If fatigue persists despite a healthy exercise and eating regimen and regular sleep, it would be good to check with a medical professional. There can be other reasons for fatigue, such as anemia, mono or thyroid problems, that can be treated most effectively when properly diagnosed. In an appointment with a clinician you could ask more detailed questions about sleep hygiene - how quickly to fall asleep? multiple awakenings? early AM awakening? less sleep on weekdays more on weekends? time you fall asleep - 10 one day 3 am the next? Duration of problem? I hope you find a solution.

Uncle Ezra

Uncle,
I wanted to know how the university tracks the elevator keys that they give out in the buildings? Just wondering...

Dear Uncle Ezra,
What are the requirements for Cum Laude, Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude for graduating the Human Ecology college as an HD major?

Hi Uncle Ezra,
I am an alum and I recently made my first trip back to Ithaca in quite some time. I noticed a lot of new buildings and things look teriffic. I also noticed that the Cornell Police have redone their cars. The old red, gray, and black painted cars are replaced with plain white. Why the redesign? I really liked the old color combination. Was it too expensive to maintain? - From, An alum who still misses Ithaca, and probably will forever....

Dear Uncle Ezra,
The other night I caught my roommate pleasuring himself in the room when he thought I was asleep. I consider this behavior totally unacceptable when I am in the room, regardless of whether or not I am asleep. What is a good way to approach my roommate about this problem? I don't want to upset him, as he is actually suprising sensitive and shy about sexuality, but at the same time I don't want this behavior to continue. Any advice would be appreciated. Sincerely, Grossed Out

DUE,
How does one pronounce Cassaro as in Denice Cassaro? I've been wondering for 6 years.

Hi Ezra,
I'm wondering why you choose to post twice a week instead of "as the questions come" or daily....? Just curious!

Dear Uncle Ezra,
I like a girl and she likes someone else. She wants me to be just a friend and i can't drop my feelings. What do I do?

Dear Uncle Ezra,
I still like my exboyfriend and everybody says he still likes me, but they don't want me to date him again. I can't get over him because I love him so much. What do I do?

Dear girlfriend,

Take the word "can't" out of your vocabulary. You can, but it takes hard work. There must be some reason why your friends and family are supporting your moving on to a healthier relationship. They can see what you can't, perhaps your unhappiness or depression. They can also see the road ahead when you are still in the fog. Trust them.

You can still like your ex, and maybe be friends with him if he is willing to accept that kind of relationship. If not now, maybe later. Once you start doing other things with other people, you'll be able to get over the missing him and see that life has more to offer you. In fact, you can always love him, but recognize that loving may mean letting go, so you both can do what is best for you.

Best of all, trust life, and have faith that it can be a very good thing, if you let it be so. Best wishes to you as you do this very hard thing.

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,
Last spring my girlfriend thought that I had cheated on her. Although the evidence in her favor was overwhelming I had not cheated on her and have been faithful for our three year relationship. She decided that we needed to take a break, not a "break up" but some time off. She told me that I could have sex with other people if I wanted and told her flat out that I did not want either of us doing that. I tried to give her space despite how difficult I found it. Not long after this she casually mentioned that we were completely broken up as if that had been the arrangement from the beginning. She did not listen to my plea to continue. Nevertheless I remained faithful and continued to show her my love. Eventually we started seeing each other again although she told me that she was not ready to be my girlfriend again. I told her everyday that I had been faithful to her. At first I thought she didn't believe me until I realized that it was actually guilt that I saw in her face when I said this. I confronted her and she eventually admitted that she had been drinking and had sex with someone. She refused to tell me who he was. With what seemed like an appeasement she decided that we could get back together. A month later I found from a friend who she had confessed to that it was one of my best friends (whom I had guessed it was originally and she swore to me it wasn't) and to make things worse that there had been another girl involved as well. This betrayal of my girlfriend and a very close friend destroyed me. I am fortunate to have friends who watched closely over me the next few days. I used alcohol as an escape, and sometimes still do. Before and after this incident I believe my girlfriend was very faithful and she sobs when she knows its on my mind. Yet I no longer trust her. This was the girl who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She still is. But I cannot get past this problem. I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been shattered. I always knew that she was bisexual and that she had a much longer list of partners in her past than I did. Which was not a problem until this. Now I feel insecure with her and I question whether I want to be monogomous with her anymore both for spite as well as my own desire for more experiance. I have yet to confront the guy who was once my friend. I got very drunk and tried to fight him, but luckily he hid in his apartment. I don't know what I will do if I see him again. We have thought about counseling. She promised me in June that she would make an appointment. It is now January and she has made two. Both of which have had to be cancelled. I don't know what to do. Do I take a break AGAIN and try other relationships, hoping that she doesn't get sick of my inability to get past this or find someone else. Or do I live the rest of my life dealing with insecurity and hatred for what she has done in her past before and during our relationship. I know I have other issues to work out besides with my girlfriend but she is what I need advise with. Please help me if you can. Thank you very much.

Dear crossroads,

Your decision is a tough one. You can look at what has happened so far and determine how you (and she) have voted "with your feet" even though not identifying your direction or decision. Agreeing to attend counseling, and then not following through, tells me that you did not agree whole-heartedly. Otherwise, why not take the appointment the next week, if the counselor had that time free?

You speak of "dealing with insecurity and hatred for what she has done in her past before and during our relationship." That tells me you have extremely strong feelings that you need to work out. What she did in her past is not yours to work with, and although you can admire or disagree with someone's past behaviors, you cannot understand the complex ecology in which they occurred. When something happened in your relationship, that was the time to work it out. Hatred is definitely a feeling you need to address within yourself.

At this point, much has been lost in the waiting. Whether or not you cheated, there was something that led to mistrust in the relationship, and that gap has widened. At the point that she marked your relationship as "completely broken up", you were surprised, and needed clarification. To continue on with your own perspective without factoring in the new information from her was disrespectful of her.

You speak of betrayal yet you say that you and she decided to take a break and see others. I'm confused about how there was a betrayal. Because of this and the many details, your situation warrants some counseling to help you sort out where things are and where you want to go and how to get there.

I'm concerned about your use of alcohol and your propensity to fight when you need to talk. It may also help you see if you work on substance abuse issues. You cannot work through other issues if there is an alcohol problem. You might be surprised at how these issues unlie others in your life. I hope you can get the help you need and find the relationship that works for you.

Uncle Ezra

Hi,
I have three questions for you. I'm a Cornell alum. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who, unfortunately, is severely depressed. We've been together for two years ; after a year, we got engaged and set a wedding date for next summer. Shortly after we got engaged, my fiance was fired from his job, and combined with some other factors, he spiraled down into the episode of depression he's still in. What I've learned since is that he's been depressed most of the time since high school, and that the first year of our relationship was an exception. At that time, he was on Celexa and seeing a counselor. When he became depressed 7 months ago, he went off the drugs and stopped counseling (it definitely went, first overwhelming depression, THEN decision to go off the drugs.) Long story short, we made the very difficult decision to put off our wedding indefinitely. It no longer made sense to be planning this event with what he's going through. We're still very much together and I have no desire to end the relationship--before he became depressed, he was 100 percent the partner I have always wanted, and our relationship was very healthy. He's resumed counseling just this week with someone new, which is great. But although I'm committed to seeing if we can work through this, his depression has taken a toll on our relationship. I was very sad about the decision to call off the wedding and I feel like I've gone into a self-protective mode that makes it very hard to be open to the relationship or to him. 1) So here's the first question: Before we cancelled the wedding planning, I was making the mistake of taking on his problems as my own, trying way too hard to "fix" him and find answers to his problems. Now I feel like I've swung way too far in the opposite direction--I want to be supportive and open, but I'm feeling remote and distant. What is my role with his recovery? How can I be close enough to be in a serious relationship with him, yet removed enough to protect my own mental health and personal growth? 2) In my own life, I've grown a lot in the past few years and changed a lot. I've developed a level of self-esteem and strength I never imagined I'd have. I'm generally happy, motivated, engaged with my life. I know the discrepancy between his current state and mine is causing problems for us. What can I do to mitigate this? I love him and I know he's going to grow and change a lot in the next few years. I don't want to make him feel crappy because I'm going doing well. But I don't want to feel crappy beause I'm doing well either! What do we do about this? 3) With regard to antidepressant drugs, from personal experience, his experience, and the experiences of many other people I know, it seems that SRIs work very well for many people--initially. Then you have to up the dose. Then you have to up it again. Then you get to a dosage level where you're not quite sure how you feel--you don't feel as depressed as you did initially, but you feel kind of numb and weird and the side effects are unbearable. That's the point at which I, and several people I know, jumped ship--went off them and swore we'd rather feel like ourselves, whatever that was, and we'd solve our depression another way--by dealing with whatever made us depressed. Worked for me, but I'm not sure I ever had the level of depression my finance does. Nevertheless, he has experienced the same tolerance, increased dosage, side effects and emotional dulling, and the same desire not to take them again (with four different SRIs, so it's not a matter of trying another, I don't think.) What is the answer to the fact that the effect of an SRI wears off and you have to keep taking more? And if he goes on them again now (as his new counselor wants him to), what then? Will he take them forever? We're both so confused about this issue. His counselor likens it to insulin-dependent diabetes. But you can't measure serotonin, and so no one can prove to him that he has any abnormality that the drugs are "fixing." On the other hand, you can point to a lot of factors in his life that are making him depressed--primarily his frustration over his music career. The counselor is using the common argument that he needs to take an SRI while in therapy so that he can become less depressed and then work on things in the therapy more effectively. So would he then go off the SRI once the therapy starts to "work"? After watching him withdraw the first time, I'd say that the therapy would have to have him practically super-humanly undepressed to withstand that. I'm just so confused and so sad. Thanks for listening and for any advice you might have. Shanna

Dear Shanna,

My heart goes out to you as you navigate this difficult situation. Depression takes its toll on a community of people around the person who is suffering from its clutches. I'm glad your friend has found someone to work with around managing his illness. It might help you to make a few visits to a knowledgeable counselor who can help you plot your course in relation to these events. Drugs have different effects on different people. There are too many complex factors for me to be able to give you the information you need.

It is essential that you stay your own course and keep moving ahead with your life, your goals and your relationships with friends, family and colleagues. They will be your support as you navigate the bumpy waters ahead. At times you may be close to him, at other times you will have to remove yourself to work on your own path. Only faith, endurance, patience, hope and love will see you through. When your supplies run low, replenish them. Your local Mental Health Association may have a support group for friends and family members. Only those who have been there know what it is like to be in the inner circle of this storm.

Pay attention to your own feelings of sadness and confusion. Try journaling or other ways of getting in touch with and expressing what you are going through. Listen to music, get a massage, go on a trip - take good care of yourself, and then you will be able to be a support to your friend at times, or be able to let him know when you can't take it. Don't take it personally.

I wish you the best.

Uncle Ezra

Uncle Ezra,
I've read many times that the fingerlakes were carved by melting glaciers as they moved along the earth. How many years ago did this happen?

Dear tourist,

I don't know who Sally is, but at http://www.sallys-place.com/travel/n_america/eus_cayuga_waters3.htm, you can read more about it. "The lakes were created about ten thousand years ago when huge glaciers that had moved into the central New York area from Canada began to melt. As the glaciers melted, the valleys that had been carved out by the glaciers as they moved south began to fill with water, creating the various lakes now known collectively as the Finger Lakes. Over time the streams that flowed down the sides of the steep valley walls eroded beautiful rugged gorges back into the hillsides. Today the streams tumble through the gorges in a series of cascades and waterfalls that are a constant source of pleasure to the eye and the ear." In the winter, you can hike into Taughanock Falls, Lower Treman or drive right up to Buttermilk Falls. Plan the bigger hikes along the gorges for June when the ice melts and they officially open the trails again.

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,
Screw BU,Harvard too. But whom are you rooting for: BC or Northeastern? -Stuck in Boston

Dear Uncle Ezra,
If the Cornell Men's Basketball team were to make the NCAA tournament, what would be the procedure for selling tickets alloted to the school?

Dear hoops fan,

The Big Red men's basketball team has been having a strong Ivy season thus far. Each year, the winner of the Ivy Title receives a bid to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. If Cornell were to win the title, and earn that bid, tickets would be distributed first to parents of players, coaches' guests and athletic administrators. The remaining allocation would then be split into two lotteries, one for Cornell students and another for the public and alumni.

The basketball team is partway through their Ivy schedule. Come out and root for them as they face Princeton and Penn on Friday and Saturday nights, 8:00 pm in Bartels Hall. Saturday's Penn game will also be broadcast on the YES Network/Direct TV channel 622. Admission is free for all CU students with their Cornell ID.

Uncle Ezra