Dear distracted,

You are right, it is not unusual that the excitement and admiration you experience each day can become sexualized.  In fact, it is natural in some ways, for humans to form attachment bonds when they have regular and positive contact. 

Of course, you've heard the phrase that you don't need to act on your fantasies.  You can keep them in your imagination if it keeps you going.  You'd be surprised what you can control if you put your mind to it. However, if you have unmet sexual needs, that makes it more difficult to manage yourself. Make sure you get exercise to work off extra energy.

One option for those with strong communication skills is to talk to the person about their attraction.  Often people are aware of the undercurrent so the words do not change what is there, they only help people to think through what is happening.  Since you are aware of the consequences your actions would have on your job, you could say "I am feeling attracted to you, but I want you to know I am committed to my professional position here and will not act on my feelings."  You may get a sense of relief from him as well as from yourself.  You may hear what you don't want to, such as that he is in a committed relationship or not interested, and you must be prepared to accept this also.  If he and you were interested in pursuing more, you could make rational plans to do so at the proper time. 

Keep your long-term career goals in mind and don't let your emotions cloud your judgement in this important area of profession and career.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Egypt,

Yes, these affairs have been a part of human relationships as long as humans have been relating.  However, they are handled differently depending on the culture in which they occur. Today, we are learning how to communicate about feelings and how to process the intricacies of relationships without running into taboos or "improper" subjects.  Men and women can be friends, and can discuss what they want the boundaries of their friendship to be. Since women today are able to support themselves economically, they are freer than ever to enter into these discussions without the confines created by needs of previous generations.

Don't "shouldn't" on yourself and create unnecessary confines to your own conversations. If you used an "I" statement to express that feeling, you may find you feel anxious or fearful of rejection. To be fair to her, you can't ask her to make up her mind about her next step before you take your turn. Unless you're the Queen of Hearts in Wonderland, that's not the way we play croquet.

Once you start the conversation, you may find that some of the pent-up tension is released and it is not as hard as you imagined to talk about your wants and needs, and hers, and then to see if there is a possibility of meeting them with one another.  I hope it goes well.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear enjoying the sun,

I hope that you are doing well in your post-Cornell err, post Ithaca, NY world.  There is a small liberal arts college in Mt. Vernon, Iowa that shares the name Cornell.  Cornell College was founded by William Wesley Cornell, a distant cousin of Ezra, in 1853.  But apart from having distantly related founders, the two schools are very different.  The older of the two schools, Cornell College, has a distinctive academic structure, where students complete one course at a time.  Cornell Magazine once summed up the differences, in an article about the two schools, writing "Their student body is just over 1,000; at our Cornell, some courses are more densely populated." 

Despite the differences, quite a few folks have confused the two schools over the years.  According to an article on the Cornell College website (http://www.cornellcollege.edu) entitled "Not in Ithaca," CBS called Cornell College in 1971, to say it planned to televise their upcoming football game, before realizing that Heisman contender Ed Marinaro '73 played for our Cornell.  And over the years, esteemed publications including the Chronicle for Higher Education have incorrectly cited professors as being from the wrong Cornell! 

What other stories about the two schools have you heard? 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear friend,

Ask your friend about his behavior.  He isn't hurting anyone, so it is probably not of concern.  Some people like to talk, and to hear themselves or someone else talking, like speaking thoughts out loud. Some people are inhibited from doing this. If your friend has a good memory and good imagination, then he is putting it to good use. Does he sing in the shower, too?

Uncle Ezra   

Dear niece,

Relationships are about communication, forgiveness and interpersonal growth. You have done these things when you keep the conversation going rather than say "it's my way or the highway." 

You are vague in your description of what was misunderstood between you.  Was it "dating" such as going to a movie or was it his having sex with someone that bothered you?  Sometimes it is hard to be specific when you discuss these intimate subjects, yet you risk misunderstanding if you use code words. You didn't describe your value system to me - did you discuss it with him or did you make assumptions? Was it the value of absolute virginity for both of you that you had and he didn't?

It is easy to think that someone believes the same as you before your beliefs are put to the test. When you realize that your perspective is different from your friend's, it is time to discover how and why they see things differently, and to help them understand the same in you. If you like or love or are interested in the other person, you will be open-minded as you ask and answer these questions. Part of the process may be that you change your own view just a little.  This is the excitement and the mystery that nurtures the growth of a relationship.  Some call it love. If it is still there, you and he may have more to talk about.  I hope you can work it out.

Uncle Ezra   

This is probably a good time to advise all, that unauthorized file-sharing of copyrighted intellectual property is both illegal and a violation of Cornell policy. Cornell's policies and resources on the use of peer-to-peer file-sharing technology can be found at: http://www.cit.cornell.edu/oit/policy/memos/filesharing.html.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear student,

First-year students cannot request a building - they can only request:  a room type- single, double, triple, quad, townhouse or single gender.  If they want a single, they will probably get a single, but there is no guarantee in which building; you cannot request Mews or Court.  I'm sure you'll enjoy your residence and your experience here. CU.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Ingrid,

Go to http://www.phobialist.com/ to find these two: Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old. Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear depressed,

I'm glad you are talking to counselors.  As you know, your particular situation is more complex than a simple answer from me could do credit to. It does sound to me as though, at this point, you may be stuck in holding on to what is past, and you may need to do some letting go work, grieving the loss of what is gone, so that you can be free to move on.  Your counselors can help you with this work, and can suggest techniques such as journaling, and activities such as yoga or tai chi, to help you free your mind of the nagging worry from which you suffer.  You may need to create a ritual of saying goodbye to what you are giving up to make space for something new to grow.

Respect your own decisions and don't hold yourself hostage in a war between parts of you in disagreement.  Heal the rift and find a solution that integrates your inner conflicts.  Accept imperfections and unclear situations, and learn to laugh at life's jokes on us. Or make poetry of it.

Birdwings (Rumi)

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror

Up to where you’re bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,

Here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.

If it were always a fist or always stretched open,

You would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,

The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated

As birdwings.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear CC,

The university, too, is quite concerned about the money that had to be spent removing the disco ball from the tower.  This is a serious matter and Cornell Police are continuing to investigate this as an open criminal case.  The cost was so high because hiring a crane large enough to reach the top of the tower is very expensive.  Add to that cost the labor to pay safety patrol to keep the area around the tower safe until the disco ball could be removed.  It was taken down because officials were concerned that the item might fall from the tower and hit someone, which would have been a major liability for the university.  In the same week, someone chopped down one of the mature sycamore trees in front of Day Hall.  In both cases these actions waste many university resources (including financial and human).  We hope that the "disco perpetrator" is found, and that some of those costs can be recouped. 

Uncle Ezra