Dear Uncle Ezra - Questions for Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hello Uncle Ezra,

This is my fourth semester here at Cornell. Every semester I experience the same recurring problem, and although I go into each semester believing that the problem will be resolved, I cannot seem to break the cycle. Considering that its only the second day of classes, I know that there is still much cause for hope, and I am writing you in hopes of receiving some wisdom to help me resolve my problem before I start sinking all over again.

Simply stated: I have a tendency to stand aloof in the presence of others. Going into class on the first day, I take a seat where one is free, but no one speaks to me, and I speak to no one. Over the course of the semester, I feel myself being further distanced from society until I am utterly alone. I have learned to tolerate my solitude and take advantage of the freedoms it offers, and I have even become quite happy in spite of it, but I know that my potential will always lie dormant until I can find away to branch out and become a functional node in our interdependent society. I am not standoffish because I feel that it is below myself to fraternize, I would actually quite like to become acquainted with my peers; its just that I cannot seem to stop drawing a dividing line between myself and the outside world. I guess its because I'm irrationally afraid that society will reject me, or out of a deep-seated but false belief that it already has.

I have had my fair share of counseling over the years, and I know all about exposure therapy. However, it seems to me that I have never had the right kind of exposure. Every time I have attempted such exposure, by going to a party or playing music with others, I feel like I lose sight of myself and my efforts crumble, and it is so jarring that I retreat to solace once more. When I look into the eyes of others, I sense too much, it causes an overload and I don't know how to react but to turn my head. Its as if I were looking into the sun.

There are rare occasions when I synchronize with others, and conversations flow naturally, and I even find myself possessed of wit. I feel myself to be a treasured, essential part of a greater whole. However, those instances only seem to occur when I initiate them. If I am sitting around quietly and detachedly with a group of people, they mostly behave the same. Attempts of anyone in the group to strike up a conversation seem to fail without my enthusiasm. I even start to sense that they resent me for it, and so I leave the group. The obvious solution, then, would be to consistently initiate conversation, but I cannot seem to succeed in doing so without inspiration, which is a force that manifests itself in my life only in sudden bursts, without rational explanation. I wish that I could will the inspiration to flow forth like an endless fountain, but it just doesn't work that way.

I think I am a friendly, all-around good person. I never seek to harm others. I have a great diversity of interests and even a few passions that I would like to share with others. It is worth mentioning that I refuse to be swept up by the Facebook phenomenon, because I believe at my core that under the guise of its massive "community", it significantly detracts from the quality of human relationship. For many students it has become a necessary first step in getting to know others. People become facebook friends, and then if they like what they see on each others' profiles, they pursue further communications to varying extents. It pains me to think that the miniscule amount of contrived information on a person's profile has become the prime source of knowledge by with others base their judgment of whether that person is worth knowing. Anyways, I can't beat 'em, and I won't join 'em, so I know I will just have to find a way around the facebook barrier to friendship through direct face-to-face interaction.

I meditate every day, and constantly seek to become more calmly aware of the reality of my existence, but somehow I seem to forget all the lessons that I have learned when confronted with the challenge of summoning my light to shine upon others. Every day which passes here that the ice remains unbroken, I feel a lack of fulfillment, accompanied by a distressing feeling of impending existential doom stemming from the knowledge that I only have 2 more years here, and that if I cannot achieve harmony with this community in that time, it will set a very bad precedent for the rest of my life.

I know that you are only human yourself Uncle Ezra, and I don't wish to burden you with an impossible abstract request. All I ask is for some concrete suggestions to guide my continuing search for a niche; ways that I can meet many new people in conducive settings (i.e., not loud, crowded, drunken shitshows) until I discover the role that I am to play in our human network.

Sorry for the obscenely long letter and facebook rant, but obviously I had alot to get off of my chest.

Yours truly, Socially Challenged

Dear Wanting to be social,

What a wonderful letter! You have great insight into your situation and have done much of the legwork, like counseling, to be ready to start connecting with people. And, yes, it will only happen if you take the initiative. Ready, set, go!

Here is my advice: Join one of these three groups to help you get started on fulfilling relationships (and I agree that face-to-face is the way to go vs. online).

EARS (Empathy Assistance and Referral Service). Sign up for training in communication skills, http://ears.dos.cornell.edu/training.html#whoisinvited:

Who is invited?
Any member of the Cornell Community who wants to:
• become a better listener
• gain personal life skills
• prepare to become a counselor
• meet people from across the campus
• build your resume

What will I learn?
• Empathic listening
• Non-judgmental communication
• Counseling micro-skills
• Ways to enhance relationships
• Leadership practices
• Greater self-understanding and compassion
• More appreciation for others
• In-depth skills for real-life situations

Cornell Minds Matter is another great organization on campus that runs billions of events, educational and social, to get to know people, start conversations and find balance as a student at Cornell. Go to their first General body Meeting in the Memorial Room of Willard Straight Hall on Tuesday, Feb 1st from 4:30 - 5:30.

Or join one of their small groups, like Writing Through the Rough Spots. You can sign up for this on their website: http://mindsmatter.dos.cornell.edu/index.html.

The third idea is to join Toastmasters. Experienced professionals and beginning speakers alike can benefit from our practical, face-to-face learning program. Whether you're speaking to the board of directors, your customers, your co-workers or your kids, Toastmasters can help you do it better. You'll learn and practice in a friendly, comfortable environment with people who are there for the same reason you are—to become better communicators.

At Toastmasters, members learn by speaking to groups and working with others in a supportive environment. A typical Toastmasters club is made up of 20 to 30 people who meet once a week for about an hour. Each meeting gives everyone an opportunity to practice conducting meetings, giving impromptu speeches, presenting prepared speeches, and offering constructive evaluation. http://cayuga.freetoasthost.us/index.html.

Uncle Ezra

Dear Uncle Ezra,

Can a non-engineer student get a minor in engineering department?

Dear Uncle Ezra,

Does Cornell University allow small dogs in a dorm?

Dear Uncle Ezra,

I've been itching to take up knitting needles and learn how to make hats, scarves, and other winter delights, but I really don't know where to begin and I thought it would be nice to find other people who can show me the ropes/spend time with while I'm learning. Are there any student clubs dedicated to needle work?

Thanks!

Your Niece

Dear Uncle Ezra,

Back in 87 someone asked you if there were buses from Cornell to Greek Peak. Can you plz let me know how does it work today?

Ski lover

Dear Uncle Ezra, I would like to take either a nutritional science or a psychological distance course over the summer but I am having a hard time finding these courses. Who at cornell can help me with this. (I don't mind taking courses from other universities) Thanks

Dear Uncle Ezra,

On Thursday, January 20th, 2011, you made a comment about pre-med being a major; it is not a major at Cornell. It is a track for students interested in pursuing a career in medicine. Both science and non-science majors can pursue the pre-med track. The population attending medical school today tend to be half humanities/social science majors and half science majors.

--Hardcore Pre-med Student

Hello Uncle Ezra,

I was wondering why the real estate in Ithaca is so expensive? I remember one bedroom apartments not being so expensive and now they're all $1,000+. What's the deal? Is it because of the general state of the economy? Also, do you know of any affordable, nice one bedroom/studio apartments in Ithaca near Cornell's campus? Thanks!

Sincerely,

Apartment Hunting Grad Student

Dear Uncle Ezra,

On Martin Luther King day on Monday, one of the people in my building (who is white) put on blackface makeup and started walking around the hall reading quotes from MLK, Obama and other civil rights leaders.

I found it extremely offensive and told him so. We ended up getting into a big argument about whether or not this was offensive, and he ended up calling me a racist. He said if I wasn't so obsessed with race I should be able to see past the fact that he was wearing blackface and judge him only by "the content of his character."

I am absolutely not racist, but I still think painting yourself (poorly I may add) to look like a black man when you are white goes way over the line. Who is right here?

Thanks.

Dear Trying to be Helpful,

The essential point to consider in this conflict is not which person was right and which person was wrong. In fact, both seemed to have good reasons for their behaviors – and both bear some responsibility for the negative direction of the interaction. I am proud of the author of the question for speaking up when he/she found something to be offensive. Too often, people sit back, confused or unwilling to bear the discomfort of speaking up to address offensive actions. Speaking up is difficult, takes courage, and is to be commended.

The core of all counter-offensive behaviors, however, must be a resolute respect for other human beings. Thus, speaking up when one feels offended does not necessarily mean telling someone, “hey, what you’re doing is offensive”. Although there are times when it is important to say something so clearly and directly, those times are in my experience few and far between. It is more effective to approach someone with kind curiosity. Thus, something like, “I notice your face is painted black and you’re reading all these quotes. It has certainly caught my attention! I’m so curious to know more about the message you are trying to get across”, would be a good choice in a situation like this.

We are all capable of being offensive even when we don’t intend to be. I do pick up is that the exchange that occurred was not grounded in mutual respect – which is why it ended in an argument and name-calling, and without either party leaving the situation with increased knowledge, awareness, understanding – and maybe even a new friend!

In reality, the best answer we can provide has already been crafted by Jay Smooth at Ill Doctrine.com. You can find the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Ti-gkJiXc or here: http://www.illdoctrine.com/2008/07/ . The conclusion he reaches is simple: The productive conversation – the conversation that changes behavior (which is what I am assuming your questioner hopes for) - happens when you hold people accountable for what they do, not who they are. It sounds like the writer tried to hold a person accountable for *being racist* not *doing something racist* and ended up in what Jay Smooth calls the “rhetorical Bermuda Triangle”.

Formal mechanisms for holding people accountable for their actions are (when students engage in suspect behavior) within the Office of the Judicial Administrator or (when faculty and staff do), within the Office of Workforce Policy and Labor Relations. Both consider activities covered by University Policy 6.4 (available here: http://www.dfa.cornell.edu/dfa/treasurer/policyoffice/policies/volumes/humanresources/prohibited.cfm ) to be violations of expected conduct and therefore subject to official university sanction. What the writer witnessed/experienced may not rise to that level – that is, it may not have violated the campus code of conduct or University Policy 6.4. An investigation would be held to determine if it did. But if it did, you can rest assured that accountability would be demanded.

In some ways, the University’s Bias Response program (more info here: http://www.hr.cornell.edu/diversity/reporting/bias_response.html) helps create a different kind of accountability. The Bias Response program is designed to hold the collective “you” (meaning the University) responsible for an environment where acts like the one described might happen but when no one knows by whom or when the action doesn’t rise to the level of violating University Policy. These acts of bias – acts that negatively impact the general climate of the institution – should also be acknowledged and efforts should be made to identify ways to prevent them from happening again. Through that program, it’s at least common that educational activities ensue, helping people individually (or collectively) understand why an action may be seen as racist (or sexist or homophobic or ablest).

Uncle Ezra