Dear Concerned,

I am so glad that you wrote to me and that you have been such a good listener and support for your girlfriend.  When someone is depressed, not sleeping regularly, not attending classes, and sobbing a lot; it is time to help them get the help that they need. You say that this has been going on for some time and that the situation is not getting better.

Your goal of keeping her happy and safe is very important. Please let her know how much you care about her and of your concern for her well-being. Use I - statements, "I'm very concerned about how sad you are and how much trouble you have been having." Tell her how important it is for her to seek help so that she can move past these troubled times.  She does not have to bear this alone and there are many here who can help her.

She has many options at Cornell.  If it is important for her to be anonymous she can see a counselor at "Let's Talk" for a free, confidential counseling session at 9 different locations on campus, http://www.gannett.cornell.edu/services/counseling/caps/talk/index.cfm.  She also can make an appointment to talk to a counselor at Gannett Health Services by calling 607-255-5155. 

If she refuses to see a counselor there is another very good option.  She can meet with an advisor in the Academic Advising and Student Services Office of her college at Cornell.  They will be able to talk to her about the difficulty she is having academically and offer resources and options.  They won't call her parents, but will work with her to find solutions to what is challenging her.

You can also continue to stay in touch with her so she has your support. But remember, you can't do everything.  You can't fix her problems, but you can listen and encourage her to get the help that she needs. 

If she seems suicidal (up to 80% of people who kill themselves tell someone that they are thinking about it) tell a responsible adult, like her parents or Gannett Health Services, even if it means breaking a confidence.  It is more important that she lives than if she is angry at you for talking to someone in order to save her life.

Also, there are 100 students a year who take time off from Cornell in order to work out difficulties that they are having.  They then return, finish their education and say that their time off was invaluable in enabling them to reach their full potential.

Please write again and find support for yourself while helping your girlfriend.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Graduate Student,

I want to assure the writer that the Graduate School takes Cornell's Code of Academic Integrity very seriously.  Whenever an academic integrity issue is brought to our attention, we work closely with the relevant faculty and students to make sure that these high standards are maintained.  It's hard to know from this question, however, to whom the writer has complained. 

If any student feels that the Code has been violated, he or she should bring those concerns directly to the faculty member responsible for that class.  It would be that faculty member's responsibility to pursue the complaint.  Since AI cases are treated as confidential, however, the writer would not know what the outcome has been, and thus might think no action has been taken. 

If, however, a student feels that a complaint has not been addressed, she or he can then bring those concerns to the attention of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board of the College through which the class has been offered.  If the writer of this question would like to discuss this further, please have him or her contact me as listed below.

 J. Ellen Gainor, Associate Dean of the Graduate School, (607) 255-7374 jeg11@cornell.edu

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Confused,

It is possible that these notes are from one of the many organizations on campus that are trying ways to share appreciation and kindness. There are many ways that people are working to increase the caring community at Cornell. Or maybe there is some individual who believes you could benefit from a kind word.

Either way, enjoy the compliments, and pass them on.  Think about who you come in contact with who you appreciate and let them know.  Put it on your list to thank or appreciate at least one friend and one stranger each day.  And smile!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Agape,

You pose a question Your Uncle has pondered mightily—from both sides of gappy American restroom stalls. My outside perspective comes from construction experience; in 19^th Century Ithaca I was “The Builder,” and before building mills, dams and the first American telegraph system, I nailed together an outhouse (privy, back-lot loo, call it what you will) or two. Just for practice.

So my three-part theory of gaping doors goes back to Early American outhouses that “informed,” as architects like to say, design of the post-modern toilet stall. Perhaps a scanty door affords, first, ventilation? Second, a partial indication of whether the stall is occupied (or not)? Best of all, material for cartoonists and comedy script writers forever more.

Inside the stall door, my thoughts are not so profound: “I hope people see my feet beneath the door, because this darned lock doesn’t work.” Mostly Seinfeldian stuff like that.

Anyway, congratulations on solving all but one of the Great American Culture Mysteries — in a mere four years — and please do write from wherever you travel next.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Niece,

You have great insight into your situation and you are not alone.  There are so many wonderful things to do... so many of them exciting and important and necessary, but you cannot do them all at the same time.  My guess is that as you add more things you will find less satisfaction rather than more.  Your plate is too full!

You have done a wonderful job trying out all that is offered here. That actually is a good way to start. Now is the time to evaluate which of those things are most important to you and make some choices about which ones to continue wholeheartedly, which to dabble in now and then and which to put off for a later time.  You will have four years here.  You don't have to do everything at the same time and you don't have to do everything to the fullest.

Happiness is balance, as you say; and that balance for you probably means doing a bit less or doing things differently.

EARS counselors are trained to help people with situations just like yours.  A directionless rant is their specialty. Go for it! They will listen and reflect what they hear so you can be better able to understand what you value and how your actions are meeting those values or not. They will help you choose your goals and brainstorm options and solutions.  They will help you create a step-by-step process of moving forward to a more balanced and fulfilling life.  Give them a try.  You can stop in their office on the 2nd floor of Willard Straight Hall any day from 3PM - 11PM or call to talk to a counselor on the phone, 255-EARS.  No appointment necessary, free and confidential!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear "Executive Summary",

For many of us there are times when life is more difficult than others.  From your letter to me, it is obvious that you have been suffering for a while and holding a lot inside because you know that lashing out is the wrong thing to do.  I applaud you for resisting the urge to hurt others because you have been hurt.

Just as you have resisted hurting others, it is also important to resist hurting yourself. Please see a counselor at CAPS by calling 255-5155. Let them know that you need to see someone right away. They can help you deal with your parents, rediscover your talents and resources and find a new direction.  Although in our darkest moments it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is important to remember that every crisis brings opportunity if we only take a tiny bit of effort to discover it.  And usually this involves letting others help us.

Another option for free phone counseling when in crisis is the local Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service.  Their number is 607-272-1616 and they are available everyday, 24 hours a day.

There are also other choices that you may not have explored.  Although there have been so many advances around people accepting differences and respecting diversity there is still much work to be done... as you very well know!  One option is to turn your anger and frustration into positive action to do meaningful work with others who are also dedicated to making this a more accepting world.

Organizations exist on campus likeThe African Latino Asian Native American Students Programming Board (ALANA), a multicultural umbrella student organization. ALANA seeks to provide the Cornell community with a wide variety of programming that fosters awareness of and appreciation for diversity and multiculturalism, http://alana.dos.cornell.edu/. Their advisor is Kiran and you can contact her at KKL42.

Or the Asian & Asian American Center:

The Asian & Asian American Center (A3C) brings together the rich diversity of Asian and Asian American student experiences to forge a strong and inclusive campus community. The center promotes positive student-to-student and group-to-group interaction to contribute to the multicultural education of all students and to the social/cultural development of leaders able to negotiate an increasingly diverse and complex global environment.

The Asian & Asian American Center is a second home for Asian, Asian American, Pacific Islander, and bi/multiracial undergraduate and graduate/professional students. It is a place that cares for them, advocates for them, celebrates them, and promotes their academic and personal success at Cornell University. http://dos.cornell.edu/a3c/index.cfm. To find out more please contact Patricia at pcn29.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Non-Greek,

During this time may fraternities are asking those who rushed to attend dinners and activites, so it is understandable that they will be less available.  This may change as time goes on, so don't give up on them completely.

I applaud you for understanding the importnace of having a variety of friends to meet your various needs.  There are many avenues to meet new people and the direction you take should be geared toward what you are looking for.  Many people bond with those in their major and benefit from study groups and social events with those who have similar career goals.

Others look to social or leisure time activites for friends and join one of Cornell's 800 Clubs or Organizations; http://sao.cornell.edu/SO/browse.  Some find new friends on their floor after those who joined fraternities are absent. 

Another option is to attend events on campus that interest you and strike up a conversation with those around you.  Denice Cassaro keeps turning out wonderful events on North Campus and Cornell Minds Matter is starting to run two social events every weekend to help students meet each other.  Try their website to find upcoming events; http://mindsmatter.dos.cornell.edu/application.html.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear No Rider,

That’s a great question for Kelsey Craig ’11, the senior captain of the Cornell Equestrian Team, whose photo graces page 15 of the Feb. 4, 2011, Daily Sun — along with the feature “Ten Questions for Kelsey Craig, Equestrian.”

Says Kelsey, “We get our clothes (pants called ‘breeches’, boots called ‘field boots) from certain equestrian outfitting companies such as Ariat, Dover Saddlery and Tailored Sportsman. However, the equestrian style has been emulated in many recent fashion lines of companies such as Ralph Lauren and JCrew (though their clothes are non-functional.)”

Thanks, Captain Kelsey, for the fashion pointers. Presumably non-rider fashionistas around campus will avoid the problem you address in the Daily Sun’s question two (why your car is driven with the windows open?). “My roommates don’t let me keep my horsey things in the house, so they live in the car,” so you said. 

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Poet,

Information for all the contacts for Rainy Day magazine are easily found on the Cornell Student Activity website, http://sao.cornell.edu/SO/org/10-11/182.  They meetTuesdays from 4:30-5:30 in Rockefeller Hall 189.

For those interested, Rainy Day is the longest running literary magazine on the Cornell University campus, publishing a biannual magazine presenting the finest student literary works to the widest audience possible. We are a cooperative group of editors who critique work through interactive meetings.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Student,

Every college and school at Cornell has its own requirements.  Check with an advisor in your college's Academic and Student Services Office to see what the limits are for your program.

Uncle Ezra