Dear Sticky,
I've heard experts debate both sides of your question, so I thought I'd ask our own Andrea Parrot, Assistant Professor of Human Service Studies (who teaches HSS 315, Human Sexuality), for the definitive answer.  Dr. Parrot says that 1-2% of all women may ejaculate when they are stimulated by vaginal thrusting.  Sometimes this rare phenomenon is confused with urinary incontinence which is much more common; if urine leaks when a woman coughs, sneezes, laughs, or during sex, she is not ejaculating.  If it is truly ejaculate, it is forcefully propelled, and contains prosthatic acid phostatase (the same liquid released by the prostate gland in men) rather than uric acid (found in urine).  The reason some women have this capability is that before a fetus differentiates into a male or female, it develops Skenes ducts. If the fetus develops into a male, the Skenes ducts develop into the prostate gland.  Women and men, therefore, have the same origins when it comes to these structures, and some women maintain the ejaculating capabilities of a fully developed prostate gland.
        The "wetness" you felt while masturbating is most likely what THE NEW OUR BODIES OURSELVES by The Boston Women's Health Book Collective describes when discussing female sexual arousal:


        "Early on in sexual excitement, veins in the pelvis, vulva and clitoris begin to dilate (open) and fill with blood, gradually making the whole area feel full.  (This is called vasocongestion).  In the vagina this swelling creates a 'sweating' reaction, producing the fluid which makes the vaginal lips get wet -- often an early sign that we are sexually excited."
        However your body responds, what's most important is that you feel comfortable with that response and enjoy it fully!  If you have other questions about female sexuality, the above quoted book, along with THE WOMEN'S ALMANAC, compiled and edited by Kathryn Paulsen and Ryan A. Kuhn, are excellent resources...and thanks to Professor Parrot for helping us get clear on the facts!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Reluctant Counselor,
No, your previous epic apparently didn't make it, but you do a good job of explaining your concerns here.  If everyone in the world had problems like this, the world would be a better place...but that doesn't diminish the painful fact that your ability to empathize and support people stands in the way of the reciprocation you want.  Rather than answers, I have some questions for you:


        *  Do you find it equally easy to receive, to speak up about your own needs and weaknesses, to let others care for you when you're down?  A romance doesn't have to be perfectly balanced, but it does generally function best with give-and-take.  So a partner or potential partner may feel uneasy if the listening isn't mutual.
        *  In your past, was there a time when you gave to others in order to avoid conflict or get approval?  Altruism can be a form of self-defense, under the guise of "everyone likes a giver".  This provides needed protection in traumatic moments, but it can boomerang against us when we want a relationship on equal footing, in which our partner's pleasure may spring in large part from her or his ability to give and be needed.
        *  Do you feel you can give other people (as well as yourself) space to experience and learn from suffering, and can you trust their resources to handle their own problems (as well as your own)?
        *  Do you tend to seek out -- consciously or by seeming accident -- people with high needs?  If so, can you take a step back and look at the possibility of relationships with people who are in their stride, sensitive but confident, and who seem to have a zest for life?




        Whatever your answer to these questions, the issue here is NOT ceasing to care.  Rather, it's finding a balance between your needs and a lover's needs. The compassionate side of yourself is a rare gift that others seek out...yet your own boundaries, limits, and pain matter as much as a friend's.
        So how do you avoid getting hooked into such lopsided relationships?  One step in that direction is learning to let your own needs show a little more. Another is encouraging your friends and lovers to recognize their own resources and your limits:   "We're getting into some really heavy stuff here, and because I like you so much, I want to make sure I don't lapse into just being your counselor...I want to be your friend (or lover), able to share with you the fun of life as well as its suffering.  Is there another trusted friend or counselor who can help you with some of this pain?"  If s/he can't hear that, the relationship has already lapsed into an unhealthy dependency.
        Wondering about this confidant dynamic and observing it in your relationships can take you a long way towards experimenting with other roles, to keep your attractions on an even keel of sharing.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Admirer,
You'll be happy to know that your furry friend is owned by the fraternity Sigma Chi, and his name is Bismarck.  I spoke to the president of Sigma Chi, who told me that Bismarck, although cute, gets into a lot of trouble. Apparently, he can't be kept in the house because he knows how to unlock the front door and get out through the windows (!) -- and when he's not careful the SPCA picks him up and charges Signa Chi $60 to rescue him.  What surprises me is that he can't escape by himself!  So enjoy your study periods with Bismarck, but keep a lookout for the brothers of Sigma Chi so they can take him back home and save themselves and the SPCA a headache.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Reader,
The kind of back-to-back losses you've experienced can feel unbearable, especially when your husband -- however well-meaning his intent to protect you -- shuts down support whenever you take part in a funeral or family gathering. At times like this when stress keeps mounting, seeing a professional counselor can be enormously helpful. There's no substitute for the healing power of in-person caring and insight to guide you through the emotional hurdles which a history of sexual abuse and family deaths/suicides present.
        If you're not already familiar with counseling services in your area, you can check whether your college has a counseling clinic by asking the staff at the main phone switchboard or at your health clinic.  You can find other local counselors by word of mouth, through an area doctor you trust, or by looking in the Yellow Pages under headings like "Psychologists", "Clinics", and "Marriage, Family, Child & Individual Counselors".
        Other resources which can give you the wherewithal to make it through include:


        1)  Books on recovering from sexual abuse.  Many bookstores now carry a whole section titled "Recovery" through which you can browse. Here are a few recommendations to get you started:


            *  THE COURAGE TO HEAL, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (New York:

Harper Collins, 1988).
            *  THE COURAGE TO HEAL WORKBOOK, by Laura Davis (New York: Harper Collins, 1990).
            *  THE SEXUAL HEALING JOURNEY, by Wendy Maltz (New York: Harper Collins, 1991)..
            *  SURVIVING WITH SERENTIY:   DAILY MEDITATIONS FOR INCEST SURVIVORS, by T. Thomas (Deerfield Beach, FL:   Health Communications, 1990).
        2)  Books on death and grieving, such as:


            *  LIVING WHEN A LOVED ONE HAS DIED, by Earl A. Grollman (Beacon Press).
            *  Stephen Levine's books and audiotapes on death and dying, such as WHO DIES? and HEALING INTO LIFE AND DEATH (Doubleday).
            *  Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's books on death and dying.
            *  LIFE IS GOODBYE/LIFE IS HELLO:   GRIEVING THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LOSS, by Alla Bozarth-Campbell (CompCare Publishers, Mineapolis, MN).
            *  COURAGE TO GRIEVE, by Judy Tatelbaum (Harper & Row).
        3)  Periodicals exploring healing from sexual abuse, such as HEALING PATHS (PO Box 599-MO, COOS BAY, OR  97420-0114; $18 yearly) and INCEST SURVIVOR INFORMATION EXCHANGE (ISIE:   PO Box 3399, New Haven, CT 06515; $10 yearly; strictly confidential mailing list).
        4)  Support and information networks for survivors, such as:


            *  SURVIVORS OF INCEST ANONYMOUS (SIA:   PO Box 21817, Baltimore, MD 21222-6817; phone 301-433-2365):   A twelve-step support group based on the model of Alcoholics Anonymous.  For information, send a legal-sized SASE; be sure to specify if you'd like a directory of meetings in your area.
             *  LOOKING UP (PO Box K, Augusta ME  04332-0470; phone 207-626-3402):

An organization offering resources and information to survivors of childhood sexual abuse and incest.  Counselors on staff provide support by phone or mail; the organization also runs wilderness programs, workshops, and retreats.  They also publish two periodicals, THE LOOKING UP TIMES (written by and for survivors) and THE SURVIVOR RESOURCE CHRONICLE information, news, editorials, and resources).
              *  VOICES in Action, Inc. (PO Box 148309, Chicago, IL  60614; phone 312-327-1500):   VOICES (Victims of Incest Can Emerge Survivors) organizes conferences, publishes a newsletter, and provides information on recovery and self-help groups.
        Believe it or not, I've only scraped the surface of available support. That's a lot of information to tackle at once, but remember that any step you take to work on one small aspect of your recovery will bring information and hope to other parts as well.  Take care, and have a peaceful, healing holiday season.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Niece,
If you want to contact the department directly, you can write to John Gormley, Alcohol and Drug Education Coordinator, Gannett Health Center, 10 Central Avenue, Cornell Univ., Ithaca, NY 14853.  Hope this leads you towards a terrific internship!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Civilly Joking,
As long as you know you've taken on more than any reasonable human being would, your brains will absorb the shock.  Nora Ephron observes in HEARTBURN that the truest sign of insanity is that "insane people are always sure they're just fine.  It's only the sane people who are willing to admit they're crazy."
        So you can go a little overboard for the sake of a goal...but remember that even jokes speak to us.  Maybe this one's reminding you that a refreshing break every now and then enhances study rather than detracting from it.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Confused,
No, you're not a slut at all!  Sex in human beings has three functions, as Dr. Alex Comfort describes in MORE JOY OF SEX:   "It can be reproductive (producing babies), relational (expressing love and bonding adults together), or recreational (play and fun).  Most human problems over sex arise from anxiety over, and confusion among, these modes."  Noting that at no time in human history have people lived solely by the mode of sex for procreation or of sex for relational bonding, Comfort continues, "Even in very kin-minded cultures gaps were left for sexual activity which wasn't an expression either of the wish for children or all-embracing personal closeness....
        "All good sex is partly relational.  If it's really good it generates a relationship, even if only of warmth and gratitude, and nobody wants sex even at the play-level with a person who isn't considerate and caring.  At the same time it can perfectly well express anything from total involvement to a romp between friends.  The important thing is that all these are worthy aspects of human interaction provided the partners fully share their estimate of the level of concern involved.  Sex may, through its intensely reinforced bonding ability, change two people who engage in it and make them closer...Accordingly you have to pattern your choices by common sense...Don't above all, misread recreational as frivolous or exploitative.  It means playful, caring and tender."
        Only you and your partner can decide whether your current relationship fits that definition of "recreational", and whether you two see eye-to-eye about the level of concern you have for each other. These topics are worth some thoughtful discussion, between all the fun.  If your feelings and sexual needs remain difficult to sort out, a talk with a sexuality counselor at CGSS (Contraception, Gynecology, and Sexuality Services; third floor Gannett; 255-3978) or with an EARS peer counselor (211 WSH; 255-EARS -- will reopen next semester on first day of classes) can help you work things through.
        Also, either of these sources (or even a quick trip to the reception area at CGSS to pick up a few brochures) can give you ideas about protecting yourself from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like AIDS, if you feel at all in the dark about safer sex...which can be great sex, whether it includes intercourse or not.  Sexual enjoyment in a caring, safe context that's not necessarily "serious" or long-lasting is a perfectly acceptable arrangement, as long as it's mutually embraced.

Uncle Ezra