Dear SC,
For most people, sexuality isn't easily pigeon-holed.  Many straight people have had at least one gay experience, and many straight people have fantasies about gay relationships; the converse is true for gay people and straight relationships.  One encounter does not define an orientation, but any sexual experience can give you information about the range of what you enjoy.
        It's natural to have a wide sweep of fantasies and experiences that fall on a continuum between the polarities of 100 percent heterosexual and 100 percent homosexual.  To get a better idea of your bearings right now, you can ask whether gay fantasies turn you on but in real life you'd rather have sex with a woman, or whether the fantasies suggest that you'd like more actual encounters with men.  Or you may find both attractive, leaning towards bisexuality.
        Just knowing that you don't need to be all one way or another can help erase confusion, but if you still feel stuck after thinking through these possibilities, you can talk to a counselor about your concerns or get information about groups which specialize in sexuality issues example, here we have a Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Coalition which counsels people of any orientation).  To find good resources in your area, ask friends and/or look in the Yellow Pages under headings like "Counseling", "Psychologists", and "Human Service Organizations".
        As Judy Grahn writes in ANOTHER MOTHER TONGUE:   GAY WORDS, GAY WORLDS:

"Within any society men and women develop differently and have, each, a subculture of their own that is overbalanced in the importance it places on particular jobs, attitudes, amount of aggressiveness, roles it plays, amounts of expressed physicality and tenderness...".  The more we cross over between these often arbitrary divisions, finding a balance that suits us as individuals, the healthier we and all of society become.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Lonely Engineer,
There's nothing like love to make schoolwork suddenly look insignificant! She must be extremely special to pull you out of your ordinary routines, even to the point of prompting you to work on your shyness.  And the fact that you see her specialness clearly shows that you have many of the same qualities, even if you're not yet fully aware of them.
        Taking a step forward under the circumstances is scary because it may endanger what you've already got.  The question is:   Are the risks worth it to you?  If she reciprocates your feelings, you'll be increasing the intimacy between you, which can be frightening in itself if you're usually shy and reserved.  If she doesn't, you may be left to struggle with loss, loneliness, and rejection.  So give yourself permission to go as slow as you need to, remembering that pacing yourself does not mean letting opportunities to get to know her slip by.
        If you choose to convey your deeper feelings to her, you can share some of your vulnerability as well as your love:   "It's hard for me to say how much I'm growing to love you, because I'm afraid I might scare you away so that we'd lose our wonderful friendship.  I want you to know that however you feel, I'll respect your choice and hope the friendship can remain."  Remember, too, that even if she's not ready for a romantic relationship, it's not a slam to your self worth -- it's simply an expression of her own needs at the moment.  Also, leaving at the end of the semester isn't cause to rush things.  There's always the chance that the seeds of friendship and affection you sow during this time will blossom into romance if you keep in touch.
        All along the way you'll get signposts about what to choose:   a surprising feeling of courage one day that lets you speak your heart; a look, touch, or word from her that gives you the go-ahead or suggests that just friendship is more appropriate now.  If these clues seem impenetrable, or if you make a move which results in further questions, feel free to write again to me or talk to one of the student volunteers at EARS peer counseling (255-EARS, 211 Willard Straight Hall).  And no matter what plan you decide upon, be sure to give your heart a chance to live.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Heartbroken,
As you say, perhaps good would come of telling him...it's hard to predict until you try.  So one choice you have is to let him know how much you enjoy the friendship yet that you're also attracted to him in a romantic way. You can even invite him out to a meal or event that appeals to both of you. Though you may risk rejection, you'll get to know where he stands...and you'll open the door for reciprocated feelings, too.  In a friendship of shared self-respect, honest discussion about the possibility of romance needn't destroy the relationship even if one or both of you turn the idea down.
        If you instead decide to keep your feelings to yourself, then think about whether you want constantly to be with him as friends or whether that tears at you too much.  And regardless of how much time you decide you want to spend with him, give your own inner equilibrium some attention.  What this man draws out in you with his teasing and companionship are qualities which are yours, and you also have the power to bring them to the fore on your own once you recognize them.  He brightens your day because of an inherent cheerfulness in you, and he's dear to you because you have a fine capacity for loving.  Please
let me know how things turn out.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Adventurer,
I'm sorry I didn't get this answer out to you in time for break... I hope you went to the Bahamas and had a great time!  In any event, I think this answer can still be of help to you and to others with similar fears. There are certain events in life which focus our fear of death...and for many people, flying soars above all others.  Perhaps that's because, even with some knowledge of science, it really is amazing that we humans can get off the ground at all.  Or perhaps it has to do with a mistrust of machines, or perhaps with the way a wonderful destination highlights all that we hold dear in life,
which -- it dawns on us -- we could lose. But whatever the reasons, even though statistics show that you're safer in an airplane than on the road, plenty of people dread the very thought hearing the jet engines start up or the propellers whirl.
        It's all right to be afraid.  In fact, wonder and terror are closely related; the most miraculous, mysterious aspects of life are the ones before which people often tremble.  However, you can choose what you want to do with the fear; feeling it and acting on its prohibitions are two different things.
        In this case, if your desire to take that marvelous trip to the Bahamas outweighs your fear, then it's a great time to work with the fear.  In that case, I have several suggestions from which you can pick and choose which will work for you:




        *  Explore your feelings about fear, loss, and death in a personal journal, with caring friends, or with a counselor (see SUPPORT ADVICE PERSONAL in CUINFO for several free, confidential campus services).  See what comes up about your opposing needs to be in control and to trustingly let go.  Where are the fears coming from, and how might you want to change?
        *  Imagine yourself going through the experience safely and calmly, being light and free and able to get on the plane.  Such imagery helps you deal with whatever comes up during the actual flight, even if it's difficult.
        *  You can learn to take the experience of flying one step at a time, focusing on the rhythmic, reliable inflow and outflow of your breath when you feel panicky.  Give the fear attention but don't let it consume you; for example, when you're particularly frightened, doing something nice for yourself or for a companion can help reorient you.
        *  Ask the friends with whom you're travelling for their understanding and support.
        *  You can take a rational approach, reminding yourself that statistics show you're much safer in an airplane than in a car.




        *  You can try numbing out the fear when you fly.  For example, I know people who fear flying and in various ways tune out the fact that they're on a plane:   They don't sit near a window, they have a glass of wine to loosen the fears, and/or they get lost in a book for the duration of the flight.
        *  If you want to check out therapies for densensitization of phobias (which simply means being afraid despite rational evidence), call Psychological Services at 255-5208 and ask for a referral.
        Trust is the opposite of fear, so you can also look at whether you trust that things work out as they should in your life, which gets down to your core philosophy about life and death.  That's pretty intense work to earn a vacation, but from all I've heard, the Bahamas are worth it. Wherever you do decide to go, safe travels to you!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Still Too Sexy,
I marvel that you can eke out time to correspond!  Hope you didn't forfeit dinner to do so.
        Your question poses a seemingly impossible problem to solve: "How can we translate no spare time into the time we need to meet dates?". The simplest solution is to double-up activities; for example, on those rare occasions when you do eat, invite one or two New Yorker couples you know and like to join you. Pick their brains for ideas about City life and romance beyond med school walls.  Or, while you're taking a bath, browse through newspapers that list local events and pick ones which interest you and therefore may give you chances to meet compatible people.
        You can also try an alternating approach:   work hard six days of the week and take the seventh to get to know the town and its resources. Surprisingly, the break may even enhance your studies.  Another option (if you can wait), is to take the summer off to go somewhere lovely with a large young adult population and a small woman-doctor population (rarity attracts).  If you pursue your question all summer with the same fervor you use to study the blood-brain barrier, you'll at least wind up with good memories and maybe even with an ongoing romanticly intense struggle to intertwine two locales and two careers.
        In other words, it ain't easy.  But physiology isn't a bad thing to talk about when you're courting someone, as long as you emphasize the right parts. So don't underestimate your resourcefulness.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Planning Ahead,
Hope you've got an enticing trip in mind!  The folks at the University Registrar's Office (255-4232) tell me that 1994's Spring Break will be March 19-28.  For further information, you can get calendars for next year in the "Course of Study" books available at the Information and Referral Center in Day Hall (254-INFO) or check the schedules posted in University libraries.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Despondent and All-Too-Single,
I received your two letters within days of each other, and though your angles on your virginity differ, your simultaneous writing underscores that you're not alone.  Clinical psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, in his great book MALE SEXUALITY, cites surveys done by PLAYBOY (of college-aged men) and PSYCHOLOGY TODAY (of a wider segment of the population) which indicate that most men think that only one percent of their peers are virgins, while in truth approximately one quarter of the men in both surveys reported that they were virgins!  While I haven't seen similar statistics for women, the number of women who write to me with questions about sexual intimacy suggests that a large number of women also feel that they lack sexual expertise, yet subscribe to the cultural myth that this is their unique problem.
        The reasons that people in their twenties or older lack sexual experience vary; you hit upon several of them in your letters. Sometimes it's just plain difficult to meet compatible people.  Sometimes one feels unsure how to initiate sexual encounters and therefore shies away, which intensifies the shyness over time as more and more peers find sexual partnerships.  Sometimes one gets so jealous of others with lovers that s/he finds it hard to keep an open heart.
        One key to reversing the angst of being alone is to learn to appreciate who you are and where you find yourself in life.  Granted, that's an awfully tall order, but without it, tensions continue to mount so that you build emotional armor which impedes discovery of what (and perhaps who) you most need.  There's a beautiful passage on shyness in author/educator Eda LeShan's writings:


        "Acknowledging and accepting shyness as a necessary, respectable, and potentially good human quality is really the heart of the matter. If shyness is your natural way of feeling and being, it can be a source of joy; it can lead to sound choices in friendship, work, and love.  The person who chooses a few close friends over a large circle of acquaintances...the person who chooses to work in a small laboratory rather than a huge office...the person who falls in love with another gentle soul or someone who appreciates gentle souls...can all have a full and wonderful life.  If the world ever needed gentleness, it surely needs it now..."
        Several resources can help you gradually reduce your discouragement and discover your potential.  You can:


        *  Read Zilbergeld's MALE SEXUALTITY (he devotes an entire chapter to men's concerns about virginity); Lonnie Barbach's FOR EACH OTHER (which centers in on women's sexual needs); and other similar books to increase your understanding of your own sexuality, become more comfortable with ways of releasing sexual tension whenever you need by pleasurable self-touch, and to get ideas about how to approach partners in sexual relationships.
        *  Read books on self-esteem and building satisfying relationships, like Eileen Gambrill and Cheryl Richey's IT'S UP TO YOU; Phillip Zimbardo's SHYNESS; Robert Bolton's PEOPLE SKILLS; and Carl Rogers and Barry Stevens' PERSON TO PERSON:   THE PROBLEM OF BEING HUMAN.
        *  Talk over the phone or in person with a sexuality counselor at Gannett (CGSS, third floor Gannett, 255-3978).  This service is free and confidential for registered students.  A sexuality counselor can also give you further referrals (if needed) to psychologists who can help you make concrete changes. Bear in mind that one unhelpful counseling experience doesn't mean that all counseling relationships will be ineffective for you.
        *  Call Psychological Services (255-5208) and express your desire for a support group; these are often created according to needs people voice.
        *  Browse through past postings of "Dear Uncle Ezra" to get ideas from
others who've struggled with fears about romantic relationships. For example, OCT92 contained relevant letters on pages 51-54, 76-78, and 128-129.
        While the complaints of many grads suggest that meeting compatible partners at Cornell is like trying to find a polar bear buddy at the South Pole, people do fall in love here, even in their 20's, 30's, and beyond, and not necessarily by relying on the bar scene.  CUINFO lists several activities and events which provide grounds for a start, under topics like GRAD ACTIVITIES, SERVICES ORGS, and SERVICES VOLUNTEER. Perhaps you already know about the TGIF in the Big Red Barn every Friday from 4: 30-6: 30pm, a fine place to meet other grad students for informal dialogue over non-alcoholic beverages and snacks (for free) and draft beer (for sale)...bring grad ID and proof of age.  The International Coffee Hour on Thursdays from 3: 30-5: 30pm in the Big Red Barn provides another chance to mingle with both international and American students to get to know new people.
        LeShan's passage concludes:


        "The shyness that so often accompanies falling in love suggests that shyness can be a longing to be known for what you really are as well as a deep caring for another human being.  It is a shyness of discovery -- very private and totally without deceit.  It is, in fact, a shyness that grows out of caring for another human being with such hope and tenderness that you are quite overwhelmed by the awareness of how beautiful life can be."

Uncle Ezra   

Dear SC,
For most people, sexuality isn't easily pigeon-holed.  Many straight people have had at least one gay experience, and many straight people have fantasies about gay relationships; the converse is true for gay people and straight relationships.  One encounter does not define an orientation, but any sexual experience can give you information about the range of what you enjoy.
        It's natural to have a wide sweep of fantasies and experiences that fall on a continuum between the polarities of 100 percent heterosexual and 100 percent homosexual.  To get a better idea of your bearings right now, you can ask whether gay fantasies turn you on but in real life you'd rather have sex with a woman, or whether the fantasies suggest that you'd like more actual encounters with men.  Or you may find both attractive, leaning towards bisexuality.
        Just knowing that you don't need to be all one way or another can help erase confusion, but if you still feel stuck after thinking through these possibilities, you can talk to a counselor about your concerns or get information about groups which specialize in sexuality issues example, here we have a Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Coalition which counsels people of any orientation).  To find good resources in your area, ask friends and/or look in the Yellow Pages under headings like "Counseling", "Psychologists", and "Human Service Organizations".
        As Judy Grahn writes in ANOTHER MOTHER TONGUE:   GAY WORDS, GAY WORLDS:

"Within any society men and women develop differently and have, each, a subculture of their own that is overbalanced in the importance it places on particular jobs, attitudes, amount of aggressiveness, roles it plays, amounts of expressed physicality and tenderness...".  The more we cross over between these often arbitrary divisions, finding a balance that suits us as individuals, the healthier we and all of society become.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Lonely Engineer,
There's nothing like love to make schoolwork suddenly look insignificant! She must be extremely special to pull you out of your ordinary routines, even to the point of prompting you to work on your shyness.  And the fact that you see her specialness clearly shows that you have many of the same qualities, even if you're not yet fully aware of them.
        Taking a step forward under the circumstances is scary because it may endanger what you've already got.  The question is:   Are the risks worth it to you?  If she reciprocates your feelings, you'll be increasing the intimacy between you, which can be frightening in itself if you're usually shy and reserved.  If she doesn't, you may be left to struggle with loss, loneliness, and rejection.  So give yourself permission to go as slow as you need to, remembering that pacing yourself does not mean letting opportunities to get to know her slip by.
        If you choose to convey your deeper feelings to her, you can share some of your vulnerability as well as your love:   "It's hard for me to say how much I'm growing to love you, because I'm afraid I might scare you away so that we'd lose our wonderful friendship.  I want you to know that however you feel, I'll respect your choice and hope the friendship can remain."  Remember, too, that even if she's not ready for a romantic relationship, it's not a slam to your self worth -- it's simply an expression of her own needs at the moment.  Also, leaving at the end of the semester isn't cause to rush things.  There's always the chance that the seeds of friendship and affection you sow during this time will blossom into romance if you keep in touch.
        All along the way you'll get signposts about what to choose:   a surprising feeling of courage one day that lets you speak your heart; a look, touch, or word from her that gives you the go-ahead or suggests that just friendship is more appropriate now.  If these clues seem impenetrable, or if you make a move which results in further questions, feel free to write again to me or talk to one of the student volunteers at EARS peer counseling (255-EARS, 211 Willard Straight Hall).  And no matter what plan you decide upon, be sure to give your heart a chance to live.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Heartbroken,
As you say, perhaps good would come of telling him...it's hard to predict until you try.  So one choice you have is to let him know how much you enjoy the friendship yet that you're also attracted to him in a romantic way. You can even invite him out to a meal or event that appeals to both of you. Though you may risk rejection, you'll get to know where he stands...and you'll open the door for reciprocated feelings, too.  In a friendship of shared self-respect, honest discussion about the possibility of romance needn't destroy the relationship even if one or both of you turn the idea down.
        If you instead decide to keep your feelings to yourself, then think about whether you want constantly to be with him as friends or whether that tears at you too much.  And regardless of how much time you decide you want to spend with him, give your own inner equilibrium some attention.  What this man draws out in you with his teasing and companionship are qualities which are yours, and you also have the power to bring them to the fore on your own once you recognize them.  He brightens your day because of an inherent cheerfulness in you, and he's dear to you because you have a fine capacity for loving.  Please
let me know how things turn out.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Adventurer,
I'm sorry I didn't get this answer out to you in time for break... I hope you went to the Bahamas and had a great time!  In any event, I think this answer can still be of help to you and to others with similar fears. There are certain events in life which focus our fear of death...and for many people, flying soars above all others.  Perhaps that's because, even with some knowledge of science, it really is amazing that we humans can get off the ground at all.  Or perhaps it has to do with a mistrust of machines, or perhaps with the way a wonderful destination highlights all that we hold dear in life,
which -- it dawns on us -- we could lose. But whatever the reasons, even though statistics show that you're safer in an airplane than on the road, plenty of people dread the very thought hearing the jet engines start up or the propellers whirl.
        It's all right to be afraid.  In fact, wonder and terror are closely related; the most miraculous, mysterious aspects of life are the ones before which people often tremble.  However, you can choose what you want to do with the fear; feeling it and acting on its prohibitions are two different things.
        In this case, if your desire to take that marvelous trip to the Bahamas outweighs your fear, then it's a great time to work with the fear.  In that case, I have several suggestions from which you can pick and choose which will work for you:




        *  Explore your feelings about fear, loss, and death in a personal journal, with caring friends, or with a counselor (see SUPPORT ADVICE PERSONAL in CUINFO for several free, confidential campus services).  See what comes up about your opposing needs to be in control and to trustingly let go.  Where are the fears coming from, and how might you want to change?
        *  Imagine yourself going through the experience safely and calmly, being light and free and able to get on the plane.  Such imagery helps you deal with whatever comes up during the actual flight, even if it's difficult.
        *  You can learn to take the experience of flying one step at a time, focusing on the rhythmic, reliable inflow and outflow of your breath when you feel panicky.  Give the fear attention but don't let it consume you; for example, when you're particularly frightened, doing something nice for yourself or for a companion can help reorient you.
        *  Ask the friends with whom you're travelling for their understanding and support.
        *  You can take a rational approach, reminding yourself that statistics show you're much safer in an airplane than in a car.




        *  You can try numbing out the fear when you fly.  For example, I know people who fear flying and in various ways tune out the fact that they're on a plane:   They don't sit near a window, they have a glass of wine to loosen the fears, and/or they get lost in a book for the duration of the flight.
        *  If you want to check out therapies for densensitization of phobias (which simply means being afraid despite rational evidence), call Psychological Services at 255-5208 and ask for a referral.
        Trust is the opposite of fear, so you can also look at whether you trust that things work out as they should in your life, which gets down to your core philosophy about life and death.  That's pretty intense work to earn a vacation, but from all I've heard, the Bahamas are worth it. Wherever you do decide to go, safe travels to you!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Still Too Sexy,
I marvel that you can eke out time to correspond!  Hope you didn't forfeit dinner to do so.
        Your question poses a seemingly impossible problem to solve: "How can we translate no spare time into the time we need to meet dates?". The simplest solution is to double-up activities; for example, on those rare occasions when you do eat, invite one or two New Yorker couples you know and like to join you. Pick their brains for ideas about City life and romance beyond med school walls.  Or, while you're taking a bath, browse through newspapers that list local events and pick ones which interest you and therefore may give you chances to meet compatible people.
        You can also try an alternating approach:   work hard six days of the week and take the seventh to get to know the town and its resources. Surprisingly, the break may even enhance your studies.  Another option (if you can wait), is to take the summer off to go somewhere lovely with a large young adult population and a small woman-doctor population (rarity attracts).  If you pursue your question all summer with the same fervor you use to study the blood-brain barrier, you'll at least wind up with good memories and maybe even with an ongoing romanticly intense struggle to intertwine two locales and two careers.
        In other words, it ain't easy.  But physiology isn't a bad thing to talk about when you're courting someone, as long as you emphasize the right parts. So don't underestimate your resourcefulness.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Planning Ahead,
Hope you've got an enticing trip in mind!  The folks at the University Registrar's Office (255-4232) tell me that 1994's Spring Break will be March 19-28.  For further information, you can get calendars for next year in the "Course of Study" books available at the Information and Referral Center in Day Hall (254-INFO) or check the schedules posted in University libraries.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Despondent and All-Too-Single,
I received your two letters within days of each other, and though your angles on your virginity differ, your simultaneous writing underscores that you're not alone.  Clinical psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, in his great book MALE SEXUALITY, cites surveys done by PLAYBOY (of college-aged men) and PSYCHOLOGY TODAY (of a wider segment of the population) which indicate that most men think that only one percent of their peers are virgins, while in truth approximately one quarter of the men in both surveys reported that they were virgins!  While I haven't seen similar statistics for women, the number of women who write to me with questions about sexual intimacy suggests that a large number of women also feel that they lack sexual expertise, yet subscribe to the cultural myth that this is their unique problem.
        The reasons that people in their twenties or older lack sexual experience vary; you hit upon several of them in your letters. Sometimes it's just plain difficult to meet compatible people.  Sometimes one feels unsure how to initiate sexual encounters and therefore shies away, which intensifies the shyness over time as more and more peers find sexual partnerships.  Sometimes one gets so jealous of others with lovers that s/he finds it hard to keep an open heart.
        One key to reversing the angst of being alone is to learn to appreciate who you are and where you find yourself in life.  Granted, that's an awfully tall order, but without it, tensions continue to mount so that you build emotional armor which impedes discovery of what (and perhaps who) you most need.  There's a beautiful passage on shyness in author/educator Eda LeShan's writings:


        "Acknowledging and accepting shyness as a necessary, respectable, and potentially good human quality is really the heart of the matter. If shyness is your natural way of feeling and being, it can be a source of joy; it can lead to sound choices in friendship, work, and love.  The person who chooses a few close friends over a large circle of acquaintances...the person who chooses to work in a small laboratory rather than a huge office...the person who falls in love with another gentle soul or someone who appreciates gentle souls...can all have a full and wonderful life.  If the world ever needed gentleness, it surely needs it now..."
        Several resources can help you gradually reduce your discouragement and discover your potential.  You can:


        *  Read Zilbergeld's MALE SEXUALTITY (he devotes an entire chapter to men's concerns about virginity); Lonnie Barbach's FOR EACH OTHER (which centers in on women's sexual needs); and other similar books to increase your understanding of your own sexuality, become more comfortable with ways of releasing sexual tension whenever you need by pleasurable self-touch, and to get ideas about how to approach partners in sexual relationships.
        *  Read books on self-esteem and building satisfying relationships, like Eileen Gambrill and Cheryl Richey's IT'S UP TO YOU; Phillip Zimbardo's SHYNESS; Robert Bolton's PEOPLE SKILLS; and Carl Rogers and Barry Stevens' PERSON TO PERSON:   THE PROBLEM OF BEING HUMAN.
        *  Talk over the phone or in person with a sexuality counselor at Gannett (CGSS, third floor Gannett, 255-3978).  This service is free and confidential for registered students.  A sexuality counselor can also give you further referrals (if needed) to psychologists who can help you make concrete changes. Bear in mind that one unhelpful counseling experience doesn't mean that all counseling relationships will be ineffective for you.
        *  Call Psychological Services (255-5208) and express your desire for a support group; these are often created according to needs people voice.
        *  Browse through past postings of "Dear Uncle Ezra" to get ideas from
others who've struggled with fears about romantic relationships. For example, OCT92 contained relevant letters on pages 51-54, 76-78, and 128-129.
        While the complaints of many grads suggest that meeting compatible partners at Cornell is like trying to find a polar bear buddy at the South Pole, people do fall in love here, even in their 20's, 30's, and beyond, and not necessarily by relying on the bar scene.  CUINFO lists several activities and events which provide grounds for a start, under topics like GRAD ACTIVITIES, SERVICES ORGS, and SERVICES VOLUNTEER. Perhaps you already know about the TGIF in the Big Red Barn every Friday from 4: 30-6: 30pm, a fine place to meet other grad students for informal dialogue over non-alcoholic beverages and snacks (for free) and draft beer (for sale)...bring grad ID and proof of age.  The International Coffee Hour on Thursdays from 3: 30-5: 30pm in the Big Red Barn provides another chance to mingle with both international and American students to get to know new people.
        LeShan's passage concludes:


        "The shyness that so often accompanies falling in love suggests that shyness can be a longing to be known for what you really are as well as a deep caring for another human being.  It is a shyness of discovery -- very private and totally without deceit.  It is, in fact, a shyness that grows out of caring for another human being with such hope and tenderness that you are quite overwhelmed by the awareness of how beautiful life can be."

Uncle Ezra