- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Readers,
Uncle Ezra is on vacation for the Summer. The questions below
were received earlier in the year. See "About Uncle Ezra" on the
main Uncle Ezra menu for details.
DUE,
I know you're here primarily for the students, but can you tackle
this question from an employee? The problem is parking on campus;
specifically the high price. I live too far away to walk or bike to
work. I can't take the bus because I often have to work late and the
last bus to my town leaves at about 5 PM. I also have no way of
predicting which days I'll have to work late, so there's no one on
campus who would be patient enough to carpool with me. So I have to
drive myself. In addition, the free option of Lot A just doesn't
work: it would add on 20-25 minutes each way (to either walk or
coordinate with a bus) plus then I wouldn't be able to run lunchtime
errands in Ithaca (on average, once per week....after all, weekdays
are the only time most businesses are open!). You can forget about
suggesting that I talk with my boss to see if my hours can become
more "regular" so I can carpool or take the bus. It just doesn't work
that way. I'm OPI, and that means the work must get done even when
it takes an extra few hours several times a week. I even often have
to come in on weekends but thankfully parking isn't a problem then
(except on days of home football games, which is another complaint
entirely!).
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind paying extra over those who can
make use of lot A. What galls me is that they make a big deal out of
the fact that parking rates are guaranteed to rise not more than 6%
per year, and that's exactly what they have gone up each year since
1991 (And the increase in 1991 with the new plan was much higher than
6%!). Now compare that to salary increases. My boss tells me that my
raises are limited by and reflective of the university wide salary
increase pool. 1991: 4.5%. 1992: 4%. 1993 2.5%. And now I read in
the Cornell Chronicle that this year's salary increase pool for
endowed will be 3% (May 12, page 3 in the article on student
insurance). So I can pretty well guess what my raise will be this
year. Exactly half of the percentage of the parking increase.
Of course, it wouldn't be so bad if everything else didn't also
increase more than my salary. But take a look at just about ANYTHING:
property and school taxes, insurance, healthcare costs, food,
utilities -- they all go up more than 2-4% per year. So I'm losing
ground every year. I have a good job, but basically no one has been
getting promoted in the last few years. Not me, not any of the other
deserving people that I work with.
It just seems like the university should limit their parking
increases to the average salary increase. Wouldn't that be more fair
to employees?
- barely getting by
Dear Barely Getting By, There is indeed a sizable leap between the percentage increase
in parking fees and the increase in most Cornell employees' salaries.
The parking-fee increase amounts to less than a dollar per biweekly
paycheck, but, as you say, with food, rent, insurance, and everything
else going up in price, every cent counts.
It doesn't look likely that the 6 percent increase will
diminish... in fact, Director of Transportation Services Bill Wendt
(BW4@Cornell.edu) says that one of the intentions of high fees is to
discourage people from bringing their cars to campus. The folks in
the Transportation Department have designed options like OmniRide (an
unlimited use bus pass), Ride Share (a program of discounts and
rebates for carpoolers), and Occasional Parker to get people to campus
in less car-intensive ways.
But, as your story points out, these alternatives don't mesh with
everyone's schedule and lifestyle. In instances like yours where
nothing seems to work, you can call the Transportation Department (116
Maple Avenue; 255-4600) and ask for a brochure called "Choices", which
lays out not only the options mentioned above but also a "Parking
Hardship Review Board" that assesses circumstances that make parking
and paying extra tough for some employees. Or, for in-person help
figuring out a sensible, affordable plan, you can call Judy Eckard,
Executive Assistant at the Transportation Department, at 255-2434.
If any of the programs (for example, parking somewhere in town
and using OmniRide) appeals to you, you can try it for 30-days with
the guarantee that you'll get your individual parking permit back at
the end of that trial if you wish. Given the parking crunch on
campus, most answers (with the exception of walking or biking, for
those who can!) have drawbacks, but the "Choices" brochure and/or Judy
should steer you towards a more workable solution than your present
out-of-sight inflation. Uncle Ezra - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Uncle Ez:
I have a question about birth control... I've been on the Pill for
quite a while -- about 5 years, with a 1-year break in the middle.
When I recently switched my prescription, it was to counteract some
strange mood swings I thought might be caused by the old ones. Well,
unfortunately I felt they were making me gain some weight, an effect I
hadn't experienced before, so I was sort of unhappy with them, and
when my boyfriend left town for the summer, I decided to stop taking
them for the three months he'll be gone and see if things improve.
Besides, I thought, it's really a waste of money when he's not around
anyway, since we're totally monogamous (and by the way, I miss him
like crazy, but that's another letter. I'm actually having a good
summer so far.. I feel like I'm getting a handle on my own life, and
that's a great feeling! :) ) Anyway.. I digress. I was just
wondering if this short-term (relatively speaking) break from the
Pill could be harmful, or hard on my body? I'm not sure how long a
"break" is recommended once you do go off to avoid confusing my poor
ovaries! :) Also, I'm really hoping it's not bad for me to go back on
them, because even with the complications, it's the best form of birth
control I've found. There's something about me that feels it's a
statement of distrust to use a condom with my boyfriend, since I trust
him with so much of my emotional self, I (personally) need to be able
to trust him with my physical well-being as well. Using a condom in
this relationship would feel to me (although he's perfectly willing)
like saying, 'you're dirty, I don't trust you. Let's put something
between us.' What a contradiction! To enter into the one activity
(besides giving birth) where you're closest to another person, and at
the same time insist upon having a barrier between you! I agree that
for anyone who doesn't feel this strongly or isn't as committed to her
partner as I am, a condom is the _only_ way to go. But for me, the
solution is different... I just refuse to share something as important
as sex with anyone I would _need_ to use a condom with. Whew! Sorry
for the speech. But I feel pretty strongly about that. At any rate,
thanks for listening, and for your help with my question.
-- Happy and Hormone-free (for now)
Dear Happy and Hormone-free, Glad to hear you're having a good summer and feeling in stride!
I'm sure you do miss your man, but if "distance makes the heart grow
fonder", then even this time apart allows your love to grow.
Because I can't diagnose over the computer, I recommend that you
talk with someone in person about what's appropriate and healthy for
you in terms of your Pill prescription. Your doctor or, if you're
here at Cornell, the folks at CGSS (Contraception, Gynecology, and
Sexuality Services; third floor Gannett; 255-3978) can give you
individualized feedback based on your prescription and medical
history.
To get a rough picture of the issues you mention, though, I spoke
with a nurse at Gannett. She says that some pills do cause a bloated
sensation and that it's good to have a medical practitioner check your
actual weight gain. With water retention, sometimes what feels like a
big gain actually isn't significant (more than five pounds).
The nurse noted that women taking a break from the Pill usually
do so for a minimum of three months, preferably six months to a year.
When you first go off the Pill, your next period can be delayed for
as long as eight weeks, and it's good to cycle on your own for awhile
before resuming your prescription. Everyone goes through an
adjustment period when going off or on the Pill; you can experience
some side effects even if you simply switch Pill prescriptions with
no interlude between.
A lot of people share your feeling that condoms are fake and get
in the way, but an infection isn't so great either. Many people in
trusting, monogamous relationships make condoms part of their
love-making all the time, with the Pill as their back-up method. Even
in the most committed relationships, sometimes one partner gets
involved sexually with another person, often on a one-time basis, and
it can be difficult to communicate that his or her primary partner.
So some people don't even realize they have a sexually transmittable
infection which they may unintentionally pass along to someone they
love.
Provided you use them correctly, condoms help protect you and
your partner against AIDS and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases
(STDs), which are transmitted among all kinds of people and have
nothing to do with anyone being dirty or untrustworthy. And if you've
had any kind of unprotected sex, getting tested for HIV/AIDS by the
folks at CGSS is a wise idea (elsewhere, a doctor can refer you to a
testing place).
The reception area at CGSS has helpful brochures about safer sex
and condom use, and if you want to talk further in person with someone
about what form of birth control/protection works best for you,
Sexuality Counselor Roz Kenworthy at CGSS is understanding,
knowledgeable, and easy to talk to. As you may be learning through
this separation, bodily closeness is just one small part of a bigger
picture that involves your hearts and minds, and condoms don't get in
the way of those at all! Uncle Ezra - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 3 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Uncle Ezra,
Hi. I was just wondering, who sets the sundial on the engineering
quad every day? Is this a paid position I can apply for?
signed,
Too Much Time on my Hands
Dear Too Much Time, I asked President Emeritus Dale Corson who sets the marvelous sun
dial he designed (along with the mechanical design expertise of
Professor Richard M. Phelan). He replies, "The first person by in
the morning turns the dial to the current date and that is all there
is to it." Since the sun does the bulk of the work, there is, alas, no
money to be made in the process.
Thanks, President Corson! Uncle Ezra - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Uncle Ezra,
I'm hoping you can provide another helpful answer. I wrote
you about two months ago with a question regarding my relationship
with my boyfriend. To fill you in, I told you that we are both grad
students in different cities and that we have been going out since
freshman year of college. I also told you that I was concerned about
our relationship since my boyfriend had begun acting distant, both in
terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I also explained some of the
factors that I thought might be involved, including the strain of his
father's recent death and the fact of a year's separation during which
he was studying in a foreign country and saw me once.
Since I wrote to you I have been talking to my boyfriend via
telephone and email, but have not gotten to see him in person for over
two months. Here is a summary of what I have been able to ascertain.
I asked him what was the matter, i.e. why he had become so
distant. He told me that for about two years (apparently ever since
his father died, immediately after which he went abroad) he has been
unsure about our relationship because he felt it no longer was an
equal one. He told me that he had been reluctant to say anything I
might construe as critical because he strongly believes in people's
individuality and doesn't feel it's right to criticize aspect of
people's personalities that they can't change. Nevertheless, he felt
that it was important that he get his feelings out on the table, so
to speak, if we were to get anywhere.
He said that he sensed both an emotional and a physical
inequality in our relationship. The emotional inequality was based on
the fact that he is a very introspective type who tends to mull over
problems a long time before airing them. The problem with this is
that it is sometimes hard to tell whether anything is wrong. He said,
nevertheless, that he felt I really didn't understand him because I
had not made an attempt to look behind that facade to see what was
inside. He told me that he felt it was necessary for both of us to
have an understanding of each other's deeper fears and problems, in
addition to the more superficial, quotidian aspects of friendship, if
we were to have a deep relationship. After further discussion with
him on this point, I got the clarification that he wasn't blaming me
for failing to communicate, but that he percieved a difference in our
communicating styles as a problem that had caused him to feel unequal.
The physical inequality, he said, was that he felt pressured
by my repeated insistence on making out and by my queries as to
whether he was ready to have sex with me (we haven't). He said that
because he didn't feel attracted to me any more, he was unsure as to
the motivation he was supposed to bring to such physical intimacy
(i.e. should he do it out of lust, compassion, or what?). Thus, while
it seemed only natural for me to approach my boyfriend, thinking that
everything was all right, to him it seemed ludicrous that I didn't
perceive the major problems going on and so he thought my motivations
were a little strange too.
My personal opinion about the perceived physical inequality
is that I knew something was wrong for a while---and thought that if
maintaining physical intimacy was the only reassurance I could get
that there was any love left in the relationship, then so be it.
Basically, when I was able to get him to respond, I felt reassured
that he cared for me to some extent. Besides, it's very difficult to
go without sexual satisfaction of one form or another for a long time
due to a long distance relationship.
After hearing about what he thought of our relationship, I
assumed that if we made a mutual effort to tailor our individual
styles of communication to a common wavelength, we would be able to
overcome many of the difficulties that had cropped up. This made me
feel better. However, that is not the impression he got. Further
discussions reveal that the root of his problems goes much deeper
than the status of our relationship.
Apparently, from what he tells me (which is not enough, since
it is like pulling teeth to extract details from him), he is
undergoing a sort of personal metaphysical crisis in which he is
re-examining the priorities in his life, which include his commitment
to becoming an academic in a field in which it may be hard to find
jobs, along with his natural need to have someone in his life. I get
the impression that the immense effort required to perform admirably
in grad school this year and the year he spent abroad studying one of
the world's hardest languages has taken a toll on him, because it
takes so much time and willpower. I think that he feels that being
the best possible student precludes having a life that makes room for
other people, or for a girlfriend. I can't imagine that he could feel
fulfilled by such an existence, even though he has a longstanding
track record for being a very committed student.
I have tried repeatedly to ask him about what he is going
through and whether there is anything I can do to help him think
through his dilemmas. This is not seeming to work and is making me
depressed and frustrated. He has told me that he feels a great loss
in "not being really able to relate to anybody," casual friends or
otherwise. He feels detached and disconnected from everyone and has
felt that way since his father's death two years ago. Unless I am
reading too much into the situation, he seems to be in some pain
which he sublimates by being a withdrawn and serious person, and even
more introspective than usual.
This is frustrating for me because I want and deserve some
resolution that repairs our tattered relationship. He says that he
doesn't love me but that he feels an obligation to rediscover what he
has lost, because on some level he feels that we are such a decent
match, and that I am his closest friend. He says that although he does
not phrase his desires about the relationship in as emotional terms as
I do, I should take seriously the fact that he hasn't dated or touched
another person since these difficulties began. In other words, he,
too, is holding out despite the difficulty of doing so because he is
not prepared to give up on the relationship either.
The problem is that I have been holding out for two years
myself, and am becoming impatient. I have asked him how he knows when
he has arrived at a solution to the questions about his life that he
is asking himself. I have asked him if he even knows what those
questions are. He can't answer either of those questions, and says he
can't even put into words some of the thoughts and feelings that are
going through his mind. His personal impasse is thus frustrating both
of us, especially since, as his erstwhile girlfriend, I should be
someone that he feels comfortable confiding in.
To his credit, he says that he is not asking me to do anything
I find painful--which presumably included waiting an indeterminate
amount of time for a resolution, at the end of which I get him back.
However, I am not prepared to give up if he is not prepared to give
up. We have discussed breaking up, but no one is doing anything about
it. My fear is that it seems to becoming inevitable. I am having
difficulty in getting him to come visit me, and there is only so much
that can be done over the telephone. I strongly feel that whatever
resolution we arrive at necessitates our seeing each other in person.
My research currently prevents me from leaving Ithaca, so I am left
dangling as I wait for him to decide to come up here. His reasons for
not coming are increasingly sounding like excuses to hide the fact
that he doesn't want to come. It's a catch-22. How can we get anywhere
if we don't see each other?
I wrote him a letter expressing my opinion that he needs to
get counselling to help him figure out what unnamable demons he is up
against. As I write this I am strongly considering getting counseling
myself, because I have become incredibly depressed and am unable to
concentrate on my work, which I usually enjoy. What I want more than
anything is more information about what is going on, and to see him to
try and work this out or to end it for once and for all (and I
reiterate, I'm reluctant to do that, because our relationship used to
be wonderful and we used to communicate quite well).
I'm sorry this is such a long letter, but putting my thoughts
in words is helping me and I feel that it's important to present as
much detail as possible if you are to proffer any advice.
Please help me out, if you can!!!!
THANKS,
me
Dear You, Having to wait and wait without knowing when you'll get more
clarity takes a toll on your emotions. And hearing that someone
doesn't love you anymore really hurts. Now that you've tried so hard
to get your friend to tell you how he feels, you have gleaned more
understanding, yet you still feel unable to progress in the
relationship. You seem to be wondering what move would be best for
YOU to make if he continues to be hold back physically and emotionally
while you want to go forward or at least to recover some lost
intimacy.
Your depression clearly indicates that you do need to find ways
to take care of yourself now, without relying on further response from
your friend. There IS a way to get somewhere when you don't see each
other: by working on your own side of the relationship and growing in
your understanding of what's happening between you two. So your
inclination to talk to a counselor seems on track to me. You'd have a
chance to air your frustrations, and you could get in-depth feedback
about how to tell when hanging in there has gone too far.
Couples counseling would be ideal, too. It would give you both
insights into how to communicate clearly and resolve differences. But
of course talking with a counselor together depends on your friend's
willingness to participate, as well as on being in the same place at
the same time. So for now, individual counseling can help you sort
out your side of the saga, and can come in handy as a way of getting
referrals to couples counseling if your friend does decide to visit.
Psychological Services (ground floor Gannett; 255-5208) has free
weekday walk-in hours (you don't even have to make an appointment)
from 9am-4pm; a counselor there can give you further referrals for
sources of support during the summer. Cornell United Religious Work
(CURW; Anabel Taylor Hall; 255-4214) also continues to offer
counseling about problems, which don't have to be religious in nature.
You can also look into some of the communication dynamics that
men and women typically face when they try to talk with each other.
Books like YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND: WOMEN AND MEN IN CONVERSATION,
by Deborah Tanin and Robert Bly; THE DANCE OF INTIMACY and THE DANCE
OF ANGER by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.; and MEN ARE FROM MARS,
WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray, Ph.D., contain ideas about dealing
with the withdraw/pursue dynamics you mention in your letter. You can
browse through the "relationships" or "psychology" section of a local
bookstore for these and similar books, or you can ask the folks at a
bookstore to special order them for you if they're not in stock.
As you pull back and consider your own needs, you throw the
reponsibility for your friend's needs back on him. In THE DANCE OF
ANGER, Lerner notes that, "It is a position of dignity and strength
that allows us to say to ourselves or others, 'You know, I observe
that this is what I am doing in this relationship and I am now going
to work to change it.' Such owning of responsibility does not let the
other person off the hook. To the contrary...it brings our
'separateness' into bold relief and confronts others with the fact
that we alone bear the ultimate responsibility for defining our selves
and the terms of our own lives. It respectfully allows others to do
the same."
Apparently, your friend's interior life has gone through a
dramatic change following the death of his father and during his stint
abroad, and he's trying to rediscover who he is. By setting his own
pace and feeling free to see things differently from you, he'll be
free to make choices that are right for him. So you have nothing to
lose and everything to gain from focusing on yourself and your own
part of the relationship for the time being; that's the first step to
mutual solutions. Uncle Ezra - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Ezra,
Here I am yet again, the lonely alum trying to negotiate grad school
in big bad New York City. I wrote (6/2/94 Q04) you about my sad
feelings after asking a classmate to go to lunch with me, and he just
cut out on me, with a quick, "Not today." I began to recover even
before I got your very smart answer, and I decided to not try again,
at least until things quieted down a bit at semester's end. Well, we
had that class again since then, and I was worried about things being
awkward between he and I (how are you supposed to say that, anyway?).
He sat next to me as usual, but he was unusually chatty (remember I
thought the guy was shy). He also had his chair pulled right up to
mine, and was leaning toward me, so I was very aware of his physical
presence (remember I was very attracted to him). Well, I think the
combination if these, compared to my expectation of awkwardness, just
got me carried away, and I became rather silly and flirtatious. I had
no intention of trying to get him to go out with me again at that
time, but I was really relieved - and a bit off guard- to have what
seemed like all this tive attention. At the end of the class, I said
something that was just (I thought) innocuous teasing, and he really
shocked me. He capped off my remark with an extremely witty,
sarcastic (and cutting, and hurtful) reply. I was just sort of
stunned, and as before, he quickly disappeared. My cognitive
dissonance (how's that for an expression?) was so acute at the whole
episode, that I really didn't feel the pain of the remark until the
next day when I happened to rinto him around the department office.
I'm probably starting to look really stupid (I'm certainly feeling
that way). There were other people around. I asked him a question
about his class project, because he had mentioned being uncomfortable
about it the day before. Zing! Another snotty remark! Now I am
feeling really devastated, for a lot of reasons. I feel humiliated
at being open with him about likeing him, and feeling as if I played
into his hands for him to be cruel like that. I don't understand that
kind of cruelty anyway-- what purpose does it serve? What good is it
to be clever and witty if you just use it to hurt people-- people who
you don't know very well, who might be friendly? I feel deceived
about him, and as if I cannot trust my impressions of people, and I
am grieving for the friendship I had wanted, and I thought was
possible. It is two days sonce this happened, and I am still extremely
depressed about it-- I'm not shaking it off. I think what hurts most
is feeling like I was open with this person about liking him and
wanting to get to know him better, and I am still rather stunned at
him putting me down after that; I don't think I have ever experienced
anything quite like it, as if I have been manipulated. Finally, now I
_really_ don't know how to behave in the remaining classes of the
semester. I am a person who tends to be up front, and to understand
what is going on with people, but I can see that this would probably
be a bit risky in this case! My M.O. has usually been to confront
people I have been mad at, and try to talk the thing out-- sometimtes
I've found out that I've hurt the person in a way I didn't realize. I
don't know if that would even be appropriate in this case. Should I
just stay away from him altogether, or risk more hurt and humiliation
by telling him how I feel about his remarks?
_MORE_ hurt and frustrated
Dear _MORE_ Hurt and Frustrated, When you openly reach out to someone and they cut you down, you
really are left with a dilemma...not to mention hurt feelings. Like
you say, your normal mode of operation is to tell someone when you're
mad and get feedback, but that can amplify problems when the person
you're talking to doesn't want to be equally honest. However, staying
away from him altogether can make it hard to shake that residual
bitterness.
Snide remarks are often a protection or defense put out by
someone who has a hard time dealing openly with feelings. As you
experienced, a barbed comment has the effect of shutting down
communications, which this man may have desired. Since I know him
only through your comments, and you know him only through his indirect
words and actions, it's hard to be clear about more than that. After
all, people cut off conversations for reasons which can be completely
opposite: One person does so because he fears getting too close, even
though he likes you; another breaks things off because he isn't
interested in being friends but doesn't know how to say so. From the
complex and confusing behavior your describe, I doubt that this man's
reactions were any kind of clear-cut, premeditated rejection, but they
certainly do seem hurtful and manipulative.
Since you can't get much out of him -- at least not much that's
clear and consistent -- you can try falling back on your own part in
all this. Once you realize that he's a person with some very fine
qualities who also may have some emotional growing up to do (as
evidenced by his verbal cruelty), you can go a little easier on
yourself. You aren't stupid, nor were your attempts to reach out
unfounded. Apparently his choices about how to deal with this
relationship are quite different from yours, and as you go along,
you're needing to reassess what you want according to the vibes he
gives off. As you say, this means a kind of grieving, because either
he's making himself unavailable, or at least he's emotionally harder
to reach than you originally speculated. So you've lost the EASE of
friendship which you hoped would naturally develop once you got past
his shyness, but you haven't necessarily lost all chances of
friendship yet.
It's up to you whether you want to try again. If you do, keep
in mind that you don't have to accept cutting remarks without
comment. You can come back with a comment that says how you feel -- "I
don't like being cut down that way, especially by someone I'd like to
be friends with." Then you preserve your dignity and you demonstrate
to him another, more direct style of communicating.
By calming and centering yourself in your own self-worth, you
can treat whatever he dishes out with equanimity, knowing that what
he says and thinks can't shake who you are. If there's any hope of a
friendship between you two, that kind of modeling offers the most hope
of showing him that sarcasm doesn't prove anything, but caring that's
based in firm self-esteem has power. Uncle Ezra - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Question 6 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Uncle E.,
I am not writing to _ask_ you anything, but to _tell you that you
are quite amazing and wonderful. Thanks again.
Your NYC grad friend
Dear Appreciative, You're welcome! I've enjoyed your perceptive letters and hope
you're finding out that you're amazing, too. Uncle Ezra |
