Dear Concerned Nephew,
The choice about whether or not to be parents is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, and I know it can be complicated emotionally.  I notice a mixed message in your letter -- "I want to keep the child" yet "abortion is our firm decision" -- which underscores your need to talk to someone about your feelings as well as your options.
        Here at Cornell, you can talk for free to Roz Kenworthy, a problem-pregnancy counselor at CGSS (Contraception, Gynecology, and Sexuality Services; third floor Gannett; 255-3978).  Roz will keep your situation completely confidential (none of the counseling sessions go into your medical records) and provide a combination of information and, if needed, emotional support to help you make choices best for you.  When you call, let the CGSS receptionist know that you need to speak with Roz as soon as possible, even if that means finding a time for a phone -- rather than a face-to-face -- conversation.
        Similarly, Planned Parenthood (314 W. State Street; 273-1513) offers confidential counseling services for $10 (plus $10-$16 on a sliding fee scale for a pregnancy test).  A counselor -- whether at CGSS, Planned Parenthood, or elsewhere -- would always especially want to talk with the pregnant woman, since the decision ultimately has to be hers.
        There are several different abortion providers in the area.  Where people go depends on a variety of factors (such as cost and timing) which Roz or a counselor at Planned Parenthood can describe. Likewise, when people decide to continue a pregnancy, a counselor like Roz can direct them to several counselors and agencies in the area offering needed support.  As far as cost goes, if you have student insurance, it pays the cost of an abortion; it also significantly defrays the cost of pregnancy.
        I spoke with Roz about your letter, and she says that it doesn't make any difference legally or otherwise that your beloved isn't an American.  She also says that your parents don't need to be involved unless you want them to be.
        You touch on your concerns about her parents not accepting you as a couple.  If you'd like to say more about that here, feel free; or you can talk with a counselor at Psychological Services (ground floor Gannett; 255-5208), EARS peer counseling (211 WSH; 255-EARS), or Cornell United Religious Work (CURW; Anabel Taylor Hall; 255-4214).
        Roz notes that we live in a healthy, energetic, sexually-active population, and contraceptives have varying success rates.  Unplanned pregnancies are a common occurrence, so she and other counselors deal with these issues often, and you are not alone.
        Thanks, Roz!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Teacher's Pet,
Getting that kind of attention from a professor -- especially one you like and respect so much -- can be both flattering and confusing. You should do exactly what you're doing in your letter:  Pause and think things over very carefully, realizing that you could be heading for a serious and potentially damaging situation.
        Even friendships like yours can be complicated at times, because there's a built-in power difference between teachers and students, whereas friends share equal footing.  Romance, of course, goes a step deeper than friendship, and, as you note, significantly alters the quality of the relationship, not necessarily for the better.
        One potential problem with romance is uncertainty about whether you're being graded because of your work or because of how the relationship is going.  You can be left puzzling over difficult questions like "Will it affect my grades if I don't consent to go along with what he wants?"  Additionally, if other students find out about the romance, concerns about favoritism can adversely affect the learning environment.  And getting tangled in a triangle of relationships can be painful for all three parties, especially when there's a longstanding commitment -- in this case, a marriage -- involved.
        These possibilities are hard to keep in perspective when you've got a close relationship with a professor.  After all, teaching is an intrinsically passionate profession:  Your teacher's love of his subject kindles a similar love in you.  Without an element of love, teaching would not inspire us...but the form that love takes makes an enormous difference in the learning process.
        Talking this situation over with someone who will keep it confidential and give you professional feedback can help you get clear about what to do.  Carolyn McPherson, Coordinator of Women's Services in the Office of Equal Opportunity (234 Day Hall; 255-3976), has discussed similar situations with students and welcomes you to make an appointment with her or, if you prefer, to call anonymously.
        I shared your letter with Carolyn, and she noted that Cornell does not have a policy forbidding professor-student romances, although many colleges and universities do.  However, such a relationship can be considered a breach of professional ethics, depending on the professor's behavior.  Taking into account that it's hard to give advice based on your abbreviated version of your story, Carolyn suggested that -- so long as you have concerns about entering a romance with your prof -- you make it clear that this is a friendship, nothing more.  She also recommends that you avoid going to his house; try to keep your interactions in places where other people are around.
        You can also consult with the harassment advisors in your college; if you're not sure who they are, you can ask Carolyn.  The Ezra Pointer to Personal Counseling Services on the main "Dear Uncle
Ezra" menu in Gopher/CUINFO lists additional counseling services like EARS, CURW, and Psychological Services that can help you look at what you're feeling and why.
        Thanks for courageously speaking up about your dilemma, and for giving your relationship the thoughtful consideration it deserves. And Carolyn, thanks for your help!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Wondering,
I relayed your question to Assistant Bursar Peter Olcott (260 Day Hall; 255-6413), who says that the folks in his office get asked this question a lot; so apparently you're not the only one who misses the convenience of credit-card use!   Peter explains that every time students use credit cards for Cornell expenses, Cornell has to pay a 3 percent recovery charge to the credit card company (Visa, Mastercard, etc.).  Using cards for bursar bills could potentially cost the university hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue, and the only way to recoup that lost money would be to raise tuition.
        So the bottom line is that if the bursar's office staff took credit cards, students would pay more money.  At this point in time, Cornell's finance committee members don't consider that fiscally feasible.
        Peter also mentioned that other colleges who accept credit cards run into hitches beyond mere cost.  For example, credit cards often don't cover the large balances which students have.  And sometimes students try to pay off their bill using a combination of five or six different credit cards, which can be extremely time consuming!
        If you want to discuss this issue with Peter or you have further questions, please feel free to give him a call at 255-6413.  Thanks, Peter!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear New Admirer,
I forwarded your letter Tom Hughes, a Technology Specialist at CIT (TBH1@Cornell.edu; 255-8960), who replies:
        "Thanks for the good idea.  We are now looking to see if we can find software we can put on the lab machines that will do exactly what you suggest.  If we are successful, a machine that has been shut down (and thereby cleaned up for the next person) will display a 'Clean' certificate of some kind.  If you have more ideas on improving the labs, we'd love to hear them."
        Thanks, Tom!  By the way, New Admirer, if you manage to save a little time, would you mind sending a portion my way?  ;-)

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Wondering,
I forwarded your letter to Michael O. Engle in the Reference Services Division of Uris Library (Urisref@Cornell.edu; 255-2339), who found the following information in PICTURESQUE EXPRESSIONS:  A THEMATIC DICTIONARY (2nd edition, 1985):
        "Ride shotgun:  To guard goods or protect persons susceptible to attack.  The expression originated with the custom of having armed guards riding beside stagecoach drivers in the days when they were frequently held up by bandits.  It gained new currency with books and films on organized crime, since gangster's bodyguards were often spoken of as riding shotgun.  The phrase is now used not only for one who provides armed security, but also for one who plays any sort of protective role, as witness these citations from Webster's Third:
        "'Armed security forces...have rideen shotgun on every Israeli civilian flight since the Athens raid.'  (Newsweek)
        "'...a front seat passenger riding shotgun and calling out road conditions ahead...'  (P. J. C. Friedlander)."
        Michael adds, "Years ago, when I was a joyriding youngster, anyone who rode in the front passenger seat was 'riding shotgun' simply by virtue of being in that seat."  Thanks, Michael!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Depressed After Visiting,
Coming back to a place that used to be your home, inhabited by your friends and peers, can be an unsettling experience.  It's not uncommon for alumni to return and find themselves missing the specialness of their own time at Cornell.  The faces on campus seem strange and new, not to mention younger than you!  And even the landscape changes over time.
        However, that nostalgia doesn't mean you need to stay away or feel cut off.  Right here at your fingertips, you can hook up with other alums by subscribing to the alumni mailing list -- CU-ALUM-L -- in which Cornell alumni talk about what's going on in their lives and with Cornell.  To subscribe, log into the computer account in which you would like to receive mail.  Send a message to the Internet address


        LISTSERV@CORNELL.EDU

Leave the subject field blank.  In the message field, type the following:


        SUBSCRIBE CU-ALUM-L real name

(substituting your own name for "real name").  Then send the message. You'll automatically get added to the mailing list, and can read and/or post messages.  If you have any questions about how to use the list, you can contact Steve Worona '70 in Cornell's Office of Information Technologies at (607) 255-8308 or SLW1@Cornell.edu.
        I spoke with Sally Cushing, Associate Director of Club Programs in the Alumni Affairs Office (607/255-3516), who says that opportunities for involvement are so plentiful that they're hard to succinctly describe.  They include joining a local Cornell club (if you live in an area with a high concentration of Cornellians), participating in class activities, fund-raising, and talking to prospective students.  Additionally, every department on campus has ways to get alums involved.
        Sally wondered if you've been receiving Alumni Affairs Office publications which describe many of the options open to you.  If not, make sure the Alumni Affairs staff have your current address by calling (607) 255-2390 or writing to Alumni House, 626 Thurston Avenue, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853.
        To narrow down the possibilities, you'll need to do some self-searching about how you'd like to be involved, based on your personal interests.  Once you've figured out the department(s) or kinds of activities that appeal to you, you can call the folks at Alumni Affairs so that they can direct you to the person(s) who can help you.
        Sally adds:  "Just like when you're a student:  It's all there. You just have to reach out and ask for it."  If you take a balanced approach that considers what you can give as well as what you can get, you'll soon find yourself happily reconnected.
        Thanks, Sally!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Looking for Cornell,
It's good to hear from you again, too!
        One of Cornell's greatest strengths lies in the diversity of nationalities represented here and the variety of languages spoken. So as someone whose native langauge is other than English, you enrich this learning environment for everyone who knows you...even when they don't realize it!
        If you'd like to hone your English-speaking skills and your confidence, you can try some of the suggestions in the recent 9/1/94 "Dear Uncle Ezra" posting,
Q5, from another person struggling to adjust here.  One idea -- attending the International Coffee Hour held every Thursday in the Big Red Barn from 3:30-5pm -- covers both your hope to improve your English and your desire to get to know people.
        Joining clubs can also be a great way to tap into Cornell's essence.  Most clubs include people who, like you, are practicing English rather than speaking it fluently, so you needn't feel out of place.  If you look on the main "Dear Uncle Ezra" menu in
Gopher/CUINFO, you'll find an Ezra Pointer to Student Organizations which describes International, Political and Social Action, and Public Service (as well as dozens of other) activities.
        I hope you can find the determination and courage you need to overcome your hesitation and sign up for one or more of these groups, because I'm sure you'd be a welcome asset to any of them.  Getting to know all of a huge place like Cornell is beyond any of us, but finding your own niche gives you a unique taste of the whole.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear NYS EMT,
Thanks for your eloquent and thorough description of the NYS vehicle and traffic laws.  I relayed your letter to Randy, who says he wasn't quoting directly from the law, but rather from memory, and that he thinks you're "right on the money".

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Really Lost,
Give the folks at Engineering Advising a call at 255-7414, or stop by their 167 Olin Hall office.  While you're there, you can also ask about possible courses of action when you don't click with your advisor, since the whole purpose of that relationship is to support you.
        If you'd like further support for sorting out career or personal life questions, check out the resources listed under the Ezra Pointer to "Personal Counseling Services" on the main "Dear Uncle Ezra" menu
in Gopher/CUINFO. Or feel free to write to me again and say more about how you're doing.  Cornell may be a big place, but it's made up of individual people who care and want to help.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Denis,
When it comes to decisions about life's purpose, each of us has our own awesome knowledge.  However, as anyone who has ever been confused knows, that knowledge sometimes gets covered up with fears, resentments, lack of confidence, and other obstructions.  When that happens, you can tap back into your own source of wisdom in several ways:
        1)  Talk with close friends, family members, a mentor, a clergy person, or a therapist about where you're at and where you'd like to be.  Here at Cornell we have several free, confidential counseling resources (see the Ezra Pointer to Personal Counseling Services on the main "Dear Uncle Ezra" menu in Gopher/CUINFO); your school most likely
offers similar services.
        2)  Keep a private journal in which you describe not only the events of your life but also how you feel, your dreams, your aspirations, your strengths and weaknesses, quotes that are meaningful to you, imaginary conversations with the people in your life, and so forth.  Not only does this give you a great chance to vent anything that bothers you; it also gives you a record of your life over time in which you can see patterns emerging.
        3)  Browse in your favorite bookstore.  What books attract you and why?  Search for the books and authors that draw out the best in you or highlight parts of yourself you barely knew about before.
        4)  Find a means of prayer and/or meditation that works for you. Some of the longings we have can only be fulfilled by reaching towards that which is vaster and more mysterious than our ordinary, everyday experience.  Books, tapes, workshops, and clergy people can help you learn more about meditation and prayer, if they're unfamiliar to you.
        5)  Create!  Everyone is an artist in his or her own way.  Draw, sculpt, sing, play your guitar, write poetry...whatever form of self-expression brings you joy.
        If you try even a few of these methods, you'll find the purpose of your life unfolding, one day at a time.  If you ever catch a glimpse of the whole thing, hold on to it as a treasure that can light up any difficult or perplexing moments that lie ahead.
        Computers are cool because they let you manipulate a universe using only your mind.  To wield such power through purely physical means is literally unimaginable.  To be limited only by one's mind is breathtaking.

Uncle Ezra