Dear Doubly Devoted Niece,
Wish it were all up to me, because, in my opinion, a trip to Colorado should take precedence over just about anything else, especially if you're headed for the mountains!   But since most university guidelines don't follow this train of thought, I checked in with Human Resources Consultant Mary Ann Meeker in the University Human Resources Department.  Mary Ann says she needs to know more about your situation (for example, is your upcoming Cornell job also temporary?) in order to determine what will happen to your benefits if you take that extra week.  Mary Ann is dedicated to getting the straight scoop and she follows through on her phone messages, so you're sure to find the information you need by giving her a call at 255-3937.  Thanks, Mary Ann!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Cauliflower Ear,
Far from being heartless and insensitive, you take responsibility for your own feelings while empathizing with your friend's.  You deserve kudos, not criticism, for your ability to offer her so much listening during this rough period of her life, when your own life is so full.
        There's no simplistic answer to this bind; until she's more self-sufficient, you're bound to feel pulled first one way, then another.  That can be frustrating and disappointing, but the let-down you feel isn't because you're failing, but rather because you're trying to do so much so well.
        It may help to remember that you can give the most (and listening is a form of giving) when your own cup is full.  So doing the things that you find fun and relaxing or that keep your life running smoothly will indirectly benefit your friend, too.
        Friends pick up on our kind-heartedness and good intentions more than any one action.  So an occasional comment like, "I'd like to hear more, but I really need to leave for class now" -- said a minute or so before you REALLY have to leave so that you can take in at least part of that "one last thing" -- shouldn't jeopardize your relationship. When she can't accept your limits, it most likely is NOT because you've set inappropriate ones.  Rather, she hasn't found other people to depend on the way she depends on you...and, more than that, she hasn't found a center in herself that she can consistently depend on. So she feels adrift when you're occupied.
        As you're noticing, your friendship -- which needs fun as well as intensity -- will function best when you're on a more even par, each able to listen, each able to share.  I wonder if there ways you can steer your friend towards some additional outlets for her feelings, to make things more balanced between you.
        For instance, if you're relatively sure that one or two of your mutual friends can keep your confidence, you can talk the problem over with them to see if they can help you out in supporting this woman. Also, you can try subtly suggesting to your friend other ways to air her feelings:  "When I feel that much conflict about something, I write in my journal.  Sometimes I'm surprised at the kind of solutions that come up just by writing..."  or, "Wow!  You're really torn up about the way he treated you!  Would you consider talking to one of the peer counselors at EARS (211 WSH; 255-EARS) about that?  I hear that listening is what they do best...."
        Whether or not your suggestions "take", you'll know that you aren't leaving her stranded when you can't meet all her needs.  What she does to handle her problems is ultimately her own choice.  What you can provide is a backdrop of empathy -- which she'll feel even when you set limits -- and a model of how to take good care of yourself.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Love's Yoyo,
So in one way, this is one of the most alive, awake times of your life:  You know you can give love and receive love, not only platonically but also passionately.  When it comes to circumstances, though, you're painfully torn between your friendship with and commitment to your wife, and the feelings this new woman arouses in you.  If your choices come down to (1) staying with your wife and losing the passion, or (2) breaking your marriage in the pursuit of "true love", then you're right, either way something vitally important will be stifled for you.  But there's more to your choices than that.
        Each of us carries inside an image -- which may or may not be conscious -- of our ideal lover.  When we meet someone who makes our heart pound, we've seen a bit of this ideal in her or him.  So long as we fail to recognize that we're the source of the strong feelings, we'll idolize the person who brings them forth in us.
        But, as Jungian analyst and Episcopal priest John Sanford writes in THE INVISIBLE PARTNERS, "...a relationship found on the being-in-love state can never last.  The inability of the state of being in love to endure the stress of everyday human life is recognized by all great poets.  This is why the relationship of Romeo and Juliet had to end in death.  It would have been unthinkable for Shakespeare to have concluded his great love story by sending his loving couple to Sears to buy pans for their kitchen.  They would have quarreled in an instant over what frying pan to choose and how much it was going to cost, and the whole beautiful love story would have evaporated."
        You get at this point yourself when you say that, "thing may be different if we ever met.  But the point is that I now realize I'm missing something important...."  Yes, and the point is, to discover the nature of that fulfillment you're glimpsing, and to realize that no other person can hand it to you.  This sense of passion and inspiration does not reside in your new beloved, but rather, in you.
        None of this information determines your choices; it just gives you a different framework out of which to look at your problem.  You can ask yourself questions like, "What really did cement the relationship between me and my wife so that we decided to commit to each other?"  "How do I perceive marriage:  As a vehicle for continually growing in my understanding of myself and another, or as a source of complete satisfaction?"  "What do my feelings of bewilderment, remorse, failure, unhappiness tell me about how I'd like to live my life differently, even in the midst of my present circumstances?  What do my feelings of renewal, joy, passion, and desire tell me?"  "What are the many ways in which I can reclaim passion and creativity in my life, with or without major exterior changes?"
        These are complex questions which you may be pondering for at least a year or two, and which will tend towards fuller answers when your share their exploration with your wife.  Talking to her about how you feel something's missing will bring up pain...but more than likely you're not causing the pain, you're simply letting it surface.  Life carries a mixture of pain and pleasure, and if you avoid one or the other, pretty soon circumstances will knock you around until you strike a balance again.  So don't let hurt or unhappiness thwart your attempts to communicate with your wife, for that's the only road to recovering love and intimacy.
        Because of the complexity of the questions, and because of the related issues you mention -- your fears of being alone, your desire to please members of your family, your uncertainty about how to bring about real change -- this would be an excellent time to see a counselor, alone and/or as a couple.  If you're still in the Ithaca area, you can call Family and Children's Service (204 N. Cayuga Street; 273-7494) or the Tompkins County Mental Health Clinic (201 E. Green Street; 274-6200) either to make an appointment or get referrals to private therapists.  If you live elsewhere, you can ask friends or your doctor for referrals, or look in the Yellow Pages under headings like "Counseling" and "Psychotherapists".
        Sanford emphasizes that projection -- this process of seeing in another the best (or worst!) in ourselves -- "is neither good nor bad; it's what we do with it that counts."  If you use this opportunity to know yourself better, then none of the confusion, angst, or difficulty of this time will be wasted.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear The Grouch,
You wrote to me with a question -- which you asked not to have posted -- concerning workplace get-togethers and overtime.  I discussed the issues you raised with Theresa Rapacki, a Human Resources Consultant in the Human Resource Relations and Development branch of the University Human Resources Department (160 Day Hall; 255-7170), who had helpful feedback.  I recommend that you give her a call at 255-7170 to talk.  Whatever you say will be kept confidential; you also have the option of calling anonymously if you like.
        By the way, I only call you "Grouch" to make sure you recognize your letter.  To me, having serious concerns like yours is a far cry from grouchy.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Curiously Hungry,
Sounds like you're going through a major growth spurt...or is it just an attack of the munchies?  I asked Pat Bando, Associate Director of Dining (pb25@Cornell.edu; 255-5247), to answer your question; she replies:
        "Co-op customers are welcome to visit multiple co-op units within a meal period with most of our meal plans.  As explained in the Co-op contract (which each Co-op customer receives at the time of Co-op enrollement), customers who choose to dine at a CASH-OP facility are opting to utilize a cash credit toward an a-la-carte purchase of meals at Hughes Dining and Trillium or Sage's Late Lunch (M-F) or Ivy Room Late Lunch (Saturday and Sunday) or Late Night at either Robert Purcell or the Ivy Room.  In any of these cases the unlimited-seconds policy does not apply, and participants opting for cash credit dining cannot enter another dining unit during the same meal period."
        Thanks, Pat!  See you at lunch, Hungry!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Curious,
You hadn't heard?  The parallel event to "Fun in the Sun" is "Fun in the Mud", held every September in Beebe Lake.  Students, staff, and faculty gather to make mudpies, throw mud balls, and gambol through the goo....
        No?  You didn't see anyone down in the drained lake bed?  Well, then, the real story is that Beebe Lake gets drained annually so that inspectors can enter and check out the underground conduits that carry water to the electricity generating station.  Hmmm...these conduits may have potential for a labyrinthine "Fun in the Mud" activity....

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Ken,
The orchestra you've overheard is Cornell's Wind Symphony, which will be playing John William's music for a Family Week concert at Bailey Hall on Saturday, November 5, at 8:15pm, according to Band Director Mark Scatterday (255-3603).  The concert is free and open to the public, so you're more than welcome to come.  With all these sneak previews behind you, you'll know all the melodies by heart...if you didn't already from the movies!

Uncle Ezra   

Open to Greetings,
I've noticed that coolness on occasion, too, and I chalk it up to preoccupation or to a reserved social style with strangers.  If you've traveled much, you'll have noticed that in some places, people will give you a big smile and a "how's it going?" even if they've never seen you before; in other places (notably big cities), people's eyes won't even leave the sidewalk when you pass by.
        Cornell is made up of people from all kinds of backgrounds and cultural styles, so you're likely to get quite a range of responses when you try greet passersby.  Those moments when you get a eye-contact and a smile in return can brighten your whole day!  Then this vast campus has one less stranger.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Ken,
I'm glad to help.  Enjoy the concert!

Uncle Ezra