Dear Concerned Canadian in England,
Thanks for clarifying what the article said...that's a lot to remember from waiting-room reading!  I shared your update with Nianne Van Fleet, Clinical Operations Supervisor in CGSS (Contraception, Gynecology, and Sexuality Services; third floor Gannett; 255-3978), who says current literature on the topic mandated by the FDA (Federal Drug Administration) reports that cigarette smoking increases the risk of serious adverse affects on the heart and blood vessels from birth-control-pill use.  The risk increases with age and with heavy smoking (15 or more cigarettes a day, by the standards of this literature).  The risk is quite marked in women over 35 years of age.
        In other words, you have reason to be concerned about your friends who smoke and use the Pill, although the risk will vary according to their age, general health, and amount of smoking.  You may want to look for opportunities to share what you know with them, encouraging them to talk with their doctor about how they can reduce the risk...for instance, by using another kind of birth control or cutting back or quitting smoking.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Seeking Courage,
Rejection is a scary possibility, especially if it may mean losing or changing the tone of a friendship.  So it really does take courage to ask someone out, and it's natural to feel trepidation beforehand.  But in addition to weighing the fear, it helps to weigh the hope.  What if she says yes?  That would be scary, too, in that it would open up new terrain for you, but it would also be confidence-building and exciting.
        And even getting a "no", difficult as that would be, doesn't mean someone doesn't like you.  You've already described these women you'd like to ask out as "friends", so a "no" may mean anything from "I'm genuinely too busy right now" to "I'm already involved" to "I'm not ready yet, but ask again in a few weeks".  You're bound at very least to get some information you didn't have before, and that information most likely will NOT reflect on your character, but rather on the life and needs of the person you asked.
        Perhaps it helps to remember that courage doesn't mean having no fear; it means acting even when you understand and acknowledge your fear.  Think of your fears as a vulnerable part of you that needs your compassion but not necessarily your assent, except when there's real danger.  And trust you intuition to tell you the difference between real danger and a potentially healthy risk.
        If you need more encouragement, I recommend that you talk with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor.  Here at Cornell, EARS peer counseling (211 WSH; 255-EARS) and Psychological Services (ground floor Gannett; 255-5208) are both excellent counseling resources for exploring this kind of problem.  Be sure to give yourself plenty of credit for trying, whether you get a "no" or a "yes"!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Parking on Weekends,
I'm glad you tried again, since your first two efforts not only got cut off but also never arrived.  This reprise did, however, and I forwarded it to Judy Eckard, Executive Assistant in the Transportation Department (Judy_Eckard@qmrelay.mail.Cornell.edu; 255-2434) for more information.  Judy replies:
        "On-campus parking is restricted to permit-holders Monday through Friday, 7:30am-5pm, so there are many lots -- for instance, A Lot, the lot across the street from Martha Van Rensselaer, and the one at the foot of Libe Slope -- where you can park on weekends or after 5pm. However, be sure to read carefully signs at any campus parking lot to make sure you're aware of all restrictions.  Residence Hall parking areas are restricted to permit holders 24 hours a day, seven days a week, as are other restricted areas like life safety zones and reserved spaces.  For permit price information, please call 255-4600."
        Thanks, Judy!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Real-world Bound,
I second that "wow"!  It's heartwarming to know you've made it so far, and I deeply appreciate your warm support.
        Life does get complicated at graduation when you're going separate ways from the one you love.  For starters, it's just plain sad to say goodbye, not knowing what the future holds.  Missing each other is a healthy reaction that underscores how much you do care...but that reassurance doesn't make separation hurt less.
        All kinds of questions go along with being in love and being apart.  How will our feelings change over time?  How can we make quality time for each other?  When will we live in the same place again?  How would a commitment change our relationship, and is that what we want?  While all the questions feel disorienting and confusing at the moment, discovering what new avenues they open in you is part of what a mature long-distance relationship is all about.
        You're already courageously attempting to give your partner freedom and to respect his thoughts and feelings as much as your own. Those attributes will stand you in good stead as you try to keep communication open and caring over the miles.  But mixed with your desire to give him room is a natural desire to understand the nature of the bond between you.  Commitment doesn't have to mean a ball and chain; it can mean dedication, trust, genuine understanding, and a linking of hearts.  So although you know the dangers of holding him too tight, don't let that cut you off from exploring where the relationship is headed.
        Maybe neither of you can answer that yet, and "interrogation" sounds like a potentially hurtful way to find out.  But you CAN let your own feelings be known, inasmuch as you know them.  For instance, you can tell him what you say here:  That you're moved by the way loving effort has brought you two so close together, and you know you want to be with him a long time.  To say that to him -- in writing or over the phone -- lets him know where you're at and doesn't force any kind of response from him.  It's honest, but not pushy.  And yes, "letting it ride" is another possible option, in which you continue to let him know you love him and you care, and see whether and when the time arises to say more.
        You may want to look back through the "Dear Uncle Ezra" archives
at letters which explore long-distance relationships, ike Q11 in the 4/11/95 posting and pages 34-39 (two letters) in the 06/90 posting. You may also want to talk to friends at Cornell who have or will soon be going through physical separation from someone they love.
        The upcoming months of separation will be life-changing for both of you, and will help you become more certain about whether your relationship can weather times apart as well as times together.  If you keep a connection with Cornell, I hope you'll let me know (maybe after another four years!) how things evolve.  As you know, all kinds of positive change -- unforeseeable at the moment -- can happen!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Just Curious,
After reading your letter, I really looked forward to finding out the answer, since -- like you -- I could hardly imagine such a law in these days of designated drivers.  University Lieutenant Randy Hausner (rhh5@Cornell.edu; 255-4623) checked into this law and replies:
        "In about 1975, New York struck down its Public Intoxication Law.  Up to that point, that was the law for which people were most frequently arrested in the state.  Prior to that we, too, had a suitable law to charge someone for being in a car drunk, as officers apparently still do in Indiana.
        "We currently have no corresponding law in NYS.  If you are not driving the car, you cannot be charged for being drunk.  A drunk passenger accompanying a practicing driver who has only a learner's permit may be an exception, as would be an underage drunk passenger. Drugs are also a different story.
        "My advice is:  If you're drunk, don't drive.  If you're in a car with a drunk driver, get out of the car as soon as possible.  Better yet, don't get in in the first place...the risks aren't worth it."
        Thanks, Randy!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Grad Niece,
Thanks for the additional encouragement backed by your own positive discovery that you didn't have to suffer unnecessarily.  CGSS (you got it right...Contraception, Gynecology, and Sexuality Services) is on the third floor of Gannett, 255-3978.  Every staff person I've met or spoken with there has been extremely warm, caring, and helpful.
        And thanks, too, for recommending Neil Fiore's book.  I haven't read it, but I'm going to get a copy, both because of your recommendation and because of the intriguing title.  I don't know yet what Fiore himself means by The Now Habit, but I know that being present to the task at hand is often, for me, the best and really the only way to get through huge "to do" piles.  And actually, doing whatever's at hand in the moment is a more comfortable feeling than worrying because I'm putting things off!  But of course, writing to your uncle can never be considered true procrastination, since you have such worthwhile things to say.  ;-)

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Frustrated,
A counselor at Psychological Services (ground floor Gannett; 255-5208) or Roz Kenworthy at CGSS (Contraception, Gynecology, and Sexuality Services; third floor Gannett; 255-3978) can help you figure out whether any emotional dynamics influence your responses, beyond the conditioning you suspect.  For instance, some men who don't ejaculate during shared sex are concerned about pregnancy or the symbolism that the act of orgasmic intercourse carries for them.  For these people, relaxation and release comes only in committed relationships.  Figuring out any underlying issues like these -- or being reassured that there aren't any and looking solely at altering conditioning -- is the best way to work with the pattern you describe.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Movie-monger Nephew,
Wow...you must really pay attention to the details at movies!  I posed your question to Rick Lightbody (255-3342), a media specialist and film buff at Uris Library, who was amazed that he'd never noticed the initials before.  He did some research, and found out that they stand for "International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees and Moving Picture Machine Operators of the U.S. and Canada"  (with a name like that, I'd abbreviate too!).  The union includes not only projectionists, but also technical specialists in the production of film and video as well as theater.  So the IATSE clover insignia is similar to the union trademark for the printers' union that you see on the bottom of some printed products, except that this is for film technicians.
        Thanks, Rick!

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Curious,
The vines that climb many campus walls have nothing to do with the name.  According to the DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS (Harper & Row) in the Uris Library reference section, about a century ago four schools -- Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Princeton -- formed an inter-scholastic league for athletic competition.  "This league was known officially as the 'Four League' but, in the academic tradition of the day, the Roman numeral 'IV' was used.  You can see this on trophies of these schools dating well back into the last century....When referred to vocally it became the 'Ivy League'.
        "In the 1920's and '30's, these four schools were big names in football.  Their major opponents -- Brown, Dartmouth, Cornell, and Pennsylvania -- were included by custom in that group, which is today referred to as the 'Ivy League', although it no longer consists of four schools.
        It's just as well that we've stuck with the original name, since 'VIII' -- vee aiaiai! -- is a lot weirder to say.

Uncle Ezra   

Dearest Uncle,
I sent you a letter (message?) before break, but haven't received a reply.  Should I resend? What's up?
        Well, here's my question anyway. Why can't bonuses be used during cash-op? Would it be immoral to convert a bonus into say, $5.70 in credit if your parents wanted to eat in the Ivy Room?
        I'd ask campus dining myself, but I'm sure you have more weight in getting answers than I!

                                                             A Happy Diner

                                                      who could be happier

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Puzzled,
It's frustrating as well as confusing when you get mixed messages from this woman that leave you unclear about how to proceed.  If she consistently ignored you, you might decide to forget her; and if she was consistently friendly, your relationship could continue to deepen.  As is, it's understandable that you question which signals to trust.
        One approach would be to point out to her the discrepancy in a kind but honest way, such as, "I like you and have been wanting to get to know you better.  Only I'm confused about where you're coming from, since sometimes you're so open to talking and sometimes you seem so preoccupied" (or however you want to phrase it tactfully).  That's risky, but you're liable to find out, one way or the other, how she's feeling.  You also may get insights into the reasons behind her reactions, so that you won't need to guess.
        Another approach, which you mention, is to decide for yourself whether you like her enough to keep trying even when you're not sure how you're faring in her eyes.  So long as you don't pin all your hopes on her, and you keep creating a satisfying life for yourself regardless of her response, there's little harm and possibly much good in continuing to be kind and caring.  You can be hurt, though, if you invest lots of energy in your relationship with her only to be rejected; at that point, you'd need to grieve your loss and give yourself credit for having been loving.
        And third, there's the other option you mention:  You may want to keep interactions with her to a minimum and focus your energy on other relationships and parts of your life.  Again, there's no harm except for the sense of loss you'll feel for what might have been.
        You'll need to weigh these options in terms of what you have to lose and gain in each, as well as what you have to give.  Keep respect for yourself foremost in your considerations, with respect for her as the corollary, and you're sure to benefit in some way from this experience.

Uncle Ezra   

Dear Distant Niece,
No wonder you're hurt and confused, when your friend says one thing and then does another...or, more painful still, acts behind your back for reasons you can't fathom.  And to top off your frustration, your discussions about these incidents only make matters worse.
        It's impossible to know WHY he's acting this way without knowing him better, but in looking -- as you do here -- at HOW he responds, you can get some clues about how to approach your end of the deal. First of all, he feels defensive in the presence of anything even remotely resembling accusation.  Have you tried letting your point of view take the lead when you talk with him?  For instance, "I was so touched when I was having a problem [you can describe it] and you offered to listen anytime.  Then, when I called and wanted a listening ear, I felt really hurt when you interrupted me twice and then hung up."
        Try to keep any feedback very specific and relate it to his behavior, not to his overall personality.  If he acted obnoxiously, describe exactly what he did, rather than saying, "You were obnoxious." Also, try to give feedback as soon after a troublesome incident as possible, at a moment when you suspect he's relatively calm and ready to listen.
        It's especially important to talk through your own feelings with a close friend beforehand or write about them in a private journal. Then you won't need a conversation with him to serve a double purpose as a chance to vent your anger as well as give feedback.
        You'll also want to take some time to clarify, for yourself, what you want and need, and to identify your many resources for meeting those needs.  Look for a copy of Harriet Goldhor Lerner's THE DANCE OF ANGER (Perennial/Harper & Row) -- staff at a local bookstore can special order it for you if it's not in stock or available at your library -- and do some more reading about how to change patterns in close friendships.  Lerner has a section about "breaking the pursuit cycle" that sounds much like your description of your relationship: One person trying to make contact while the other pulls away.  Lerner points out that "When a pursuer learns to back off and put her energies into her own life -- especially if she can do this with dignity and without hostility -- the distancer is more likely to recognize his own needs for contact and closeness...and begin to pursue."  You may discover in yourself a new sense of independence that's a perfect complement for getting to know this man better in a more balanced, less emotionally charged way.

Uncle Ezra